Situation Normal. Atmosphere Breathable. Brainstem Injected. Dialogue Engaged.
Monday, February 07, 2005

Tin Soldiers / Four Dead

I went to a birthday party on the south side on Saturday night and got nicely saucy. I took it slow and managed to avoid combining vodka and keg beer, my surefire downfall of late. There was a big unwashed crankypants wearing a black and green Ohio hoodie trudging about the party looking like somebody had shat on his waffles that morning. When we met by chance at the keg, I asked him if he'd attended a school in that state.

"No, this was five dollars."

Even though I had the answer, I decided it would be clever to ask him if he listens to Neil Young. I should've assumed that he'd be a Lynyrd Skynyrd fan that took "Southern Man" personally. As it turns out he had no idea who Neil Young is and had never heard "Ohio." So naturally I took to calling him Neil Young for the rest of the evening. I wasn't trying to be an asshole, but I was a little too pleased by my inside joke. He scowled and eventually began calling me inaccurate racial slurs. I apologized and asked his name. His response was to knock my beer from my hands.

I really wanted to violently assault him, but the host yanked me from Neil's sight. I managed to stay away from the fat fuck for almost an hour. At this point my buzz had begun to overcome logic and reason. My compadres all asked me to kindly restrain myself and be the bigger man, not to fight, and not to provoke. I did manage that but I was not willing to banish myself to one room to avoid Neil. I roamed freely and glared at the shitball whenever he came into radar range. He continued to avoid my gaze and kept his lumpy potato ass in motion. He never stood still.

Strangly enough his brother shares my name, Steve. He said that "Neil" usually isn't such a bastard. I thanked him for being cool about the situation and said that I hoped we wouldn't end up on opposite sides of a rumble. He agreed.

On the way home I had bad gas. I almost euthanized my fellow passengers. I couldn't hold those beauties in. To my credit, I rolled down my window and invited them to do the same. Sorry you guys. MGD can do that.

We were going to have a nice little morning bender at the former roomie's house, but I couldn't breathe the air due to the ferret musk. Usually it's just a bad smell for me endure, but this time my windpipe clenched tight and I felt as if I were breathing through a straw. I went outside and was told to stop being a baby. It was a fair comment, since my disdain for his pets is well known. In this case I wasn't having a drunken hissyfit, I was experiencing a genuine allergic reaction. Oh well. Finally I left and got home to crash. Merciful sleep.
9:16 AM - Bottle Rocket Fire Alarm


February 07, 2005 11:14 AM, Blogger Wyatt Junker said...

Sounds like you and I were at the same party. How do I know this? Because I was that asshole you described. I always crash bar mitzvahs.

And FYI, that wasn't an Ohio hoodie, it was my yarmulke.

Careful about starting shit next time though, or I'll suicide bomb yer ass right up.

February 07, 2005 11:25 AM, Blogger ManNMotion said...

Good comment, responded in my blog as well as making some (admittedly minor) changes in my post.

February 07, 2005 1:17 PM, Blogger Stace said...

Do you have an inhaler for shit like that? As for "Neil" glad you kept your composure, that is always a plus. ;-)

February 07, 2005 1:23 PM, Blogger Bottle Rocket Fire Alarm said...

Nope. I had an inhaler for asthma when I was a kid.

I'd never had an allergic reaction until Saturday night. I think my lungs are vulnerable to thick second hand smoke and disgusting mammal pheremones now. Hopefully it's temporary while my lungs clean themselves out from 10 years of smoking.

February 07, 2005 1:25 PM, Blogger Stace said...

Well if you smoked and you had those problems YOU DESERVE IT!!! Just kidding, no one does but glad you are alive and can write about it today. ;-)

February 07, 2005 1:37 PM, Blogger Bookfraud said...

Farting and fights, who could ask for more. "Inaccurate racial slurs" -- I hate when that happens. I'm always being called a "stupid Australian" by the dumb fat fucks of the world.

February 07, 2005 3:30 PM, Blogger sCruuw said...

"inaccurate racial slurs" are the best!

I like the ones about Antonio Banderas or
Richard Gere.

Or are those Lifestyle Slurs?

February 07, 2005 6:26 PM, Blogger daniel said...

"On the way home I had bad gas. I almost euthanized my fellow passengers. I couldn't hold those beauties in."

Yessss. Nothing like that to entertain a party trip!

Stories of neil crack me up. Sounds like a pud-puller.

February 08, 2005 12:26 PM, Blogger Bottle Rocket Fire Alarm said...

Candi, I never heard about Banderas, although I know he married Melanie Griffith. I don't know what the word is for "my sexual orientation is that I fuck aliens disguised as washed up yuppie women addicted to plastic surgery" but I'm sure Funk & Wagnall's is working on it.

I heard all about the gerbils and Gere, though. I don't hold it against him. You would've tried it too if you starred in Dr. T & The Women.

February 08, 2005 3:53 PM, Blogger Wino McHackenpuke said...

So because that guy had a sweatshirt with Ohio written on it and Neil Young has a song titled "Ohio" you thought pointing that out was a good idea?

Man, you're lucky "Neil" didn't beat the shit out of you.

February 08, 2005 4:19 PM, Blogger Bottle Rocket Fire Alarm said...

Everybody should go read Mr. McHackenPuke. He's a haystraw in a needlestack.

February 10, 2005 7:40 AM, Blogger Kerouaced said...

Who the Hell doesn't know who Neil Young is? Thank God you didn't fight that fat bastard you don't need a lawsuit on your hands. And how have ferrets--filthy, viscious, stinking--become commonplace in homes throughout America? I loathe those anorexic rats.


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