Wednesday, February 02, 2005
Corpse Putrefaction Calculations
My former roomie called twice today. He wanted some free plane tickets the first time. I won them almost a year ago from WMVP ESPN 1000 AM here in Chicago. I have to use both round trip tickets by the beginning of March, and I have no money for vacation. So I've been offering them around to family members, friends, and other assorted malcontents. People are shocked when I tell them that I will send them and a friend anywhere in the continental 48 states for free. Round trip. They twitch their heads like aliens have just failed to broadcast backwards Latin limericks into their heads. They gaze, empty and dreamy, until the flint sparks and their headlights resume shining. They wake and ask me "Did you just try to give me plane tickets?"
"Why yes, I did."
"Oh." Back they go to the faraway place, dreaming of sunny beaches and drunken spring break college girls. I go find alcohol and the strange offering is quickly forgotten. This has been going on for two weeks now. Finally I might have a taker.
He called me again two hours later to tell me to look for his street on the news tonight. It was my turn to go zombie. "Wait, what the fuck did you say, and why?"
"They found a dead body in a van outside my apartment. It's been there for two weeks. I guess some lady called the cops."
"Cool! Did you talk to reporters? Did you tell them he seemed normal, kept to himself, was friendly, you know, the usual garbage that attention whores spew out for the chance to see their mugs on TV? How did that neighbor lady know there was a corpse in there? Did she just call it in for a parking violation, and the body tumbled out when the tow truck tipped the van? Or did she smell it? Did YOU smell it? Was there a cascading waterfall of tiny maggots splashing out of the undercarriage and flowing in a bubbly twitching stream towards the nearest sewer grate? Tell me tell me tell me!"
He couldn't answer any of the questions. I was disappointed. He even avoided the cops because he loathes being questioned by them. I wanted all the gory details.
Everybody at work is disgusted with me because I think this is cool. They think I'm supposed to feel sorry and behave with suitable solemnity in respect for the dead.
3:34 PM - Bottle Rocket Fire Alarm
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