Situation Normal. Atmosphere Breathable. Brainstem Injected. Dialogue Engaged.
Wednesday, February 02, 2005

Corpse Putrefaction Calculations

My former roomie called twice today. He wanted some free plane tickets the first time. I won them almost a year ago from WMVP ESPN 1000 AM here in Chicago. I have to use both round trip tickets by the beginning of March, and I have no money for vacation. So I've been offering them around to family members, friends, and other assorted malcontents. People are shocked when I tell them that I will send them and a friend anywhere in the continental 48 states for free. Round trip. They twitch their heads like aliens have just failed to broadcast backwards Latin limericks into their heads. They gaze, empty and dreamy, until the flint sparks and their headlights resume shining. They wake and ask me "Did you just try to give me plane tickets?"

"Why yes, I did."

"Oh." Back they go to the faraway place, dreaming of sunny beaches and drunken spring break college girls. I go find alcohol and the strange offering is quickly forgotten. This has been going on for two weeks now. Finally I might have a taker.

He called me again two hours later to tell me to look for his street on the news tonight. It was my turn to go zombie. "Wait, what the fuck did you say, and why?"

"They found a dead body in a van outside my apartment. It's been there for two weeks. I guess some lady called the cops."

"Cool! Did you talk to reporters? Did you tell them he seemed normal, kept to himself, was friendly, you know, the usual garbage that attention whores spew out for the chance to see their mugs on TV? How did that neighbor lady know there was a corpse in there? Did she just call it in for a parking violation, and the body tumbled out when the tow truck tipped the van? Or did she smell it? Did YOU smell it? Was there a cascading waterfall of tiny maggots splashing out of the undercarriage and flowing in a bubbly twitching stream towards the nearest sewer grate? Tell me tell me tell me!"

He couldn't answer any of the questions. I was disappointed. He even avoided the cops because he loathes being questioned by them. I wanted all the gory details.

Everybody at work is disgusted with me because I think this is cool. They think I'm supposed to feel sorry and behave with suitable solemnity in respect for the dead.
3:34 PM - Bottle Rocket Fire Alarm


February 02, 2005 4:18 PM, Blogger Wyatt Junker said...

Oh man. Where's your other picture where you look like a troubled thyroid case? I love that one.

Kobain mastered it. And Johnny Rotten before him. And your pic., the one before this one had all the authority of an uncontrollable goiter.

I'm gonna miss it.

February 02, 2005 4:39 PM, Blogger Bottle Rocket Fire Alarm said...

It'll be back. I rotate mug shots. This one is my gin & tonic Sean Connery voice face.

Next up is me stoned stupid with a giant spliff sitting unlit in my mouth. In high school I used to tell people I'm the best joint roller in five counties. This was a return to form 7 years later.

After that, thyroid goat boy will make it's triumphant return. I was trying to look like I was holding in puke (in my throat, not my mouth) and squeezing outwards to fight constipation, simultaneously.

February 02, 2005 7:31 PM, Blogger Wyatt Junker said...

The holding in puke shots like a blowfish are priceless. Very Dizzy Gillespie of you.

February 02, 2005 8:20 PM, Blogger Blog ho said...

good writing. it would be odd if everyone you offered the tickets to had someone die on their street...decaying in a van.

February 03, 2005 8:20 AM, Blogger daniel said...

Obviously enough people are feeling morbid for a stranger. I want more gore-basking!

I'm with Junker. Not in a "holding-hands and taking windy-walks" kinda way, but in a "bring on the goiter thyroid swollen stuff" way. Do it for the chicks. (and also, fittingly with your blog title, it will prove to all your male stalkers that they should focus their dilating-attention elsewhere, as it is obvious that you have a gag-reflex).

February 03, 2005 2:45 PM, Blogger Tonka said...

Hey, in response to the note that you left me...

It's not Portugeuse, it's Slovak. And the reason it is Slovak is because I am Slovak (100%) and I am proud of that. And the thing about the cheeses, cheese singles arent all that great, but there's more of them than any other cheese, at least in the stores around here. So, you never know, they may take over the world. I wouldn't presonally support them, but its possible.

About what you wrote, I'd be a little wierded out, and I'd probably forget in a couple of days, but details might have been somewhat nice. Did the guy take the plane tickets? =P

Peace Out.

February 03, 2005 2:57 PM, Blogger Stace said...

YOU ARE JUST LIKE ME, wanting all the gory details!!! Nice, you need to pry it out of him, of find the full story SOMEWHERE!!!! Oh as for the plane tickets. . . WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME, I am going to Boston for Easter I could have used those. GRRR. ;-)

February 03, 2005 3:52 PM, Blogger sic said...

As if Dead Dude cares whether you're all solemn... He probably has much more important stuff on his mind now.

February 04, 2005 7:50 AM, Blogger SJH said...

Isn't it funny how people can "solemly revere" dead people they've never met and still pass the homeless guy without dropping a dime?


Post a Comment

left-arrow Home

Plastic Saturns vs. Dashboard Daisies
Pants On Fire
Jackson Pollock vs. David Koresh
Vitriolic Misanthropy
No Good Deed Goes Unpunished
Ballads About Food
One Utopian's Assorted Marginalia
Bad Recipes
Of Mice And Vegetables
Dogs In A Blender
August 2002
September 2002
October 2002
November 2002
December 2002
January 2003
February 2003
March 2003
April 2003
May 2003
September 2003
October 2003
November 2003
December 2003
January 2004
February 2004
August 2004
December 2004
January 2005
February 2005
March 2005
April 2005
May 2005
June 2005
July 2005
August 2005
September 2005
October 2005
November 2005
December 2005
January 2006
February 2006
March 2006
April 2006
May 2006
June 2006
July 2006
August 2006
September 2006
October 2006
November 2006
December 2006
January 2007
February 2007
April 2007
May 2007
June 2007
July 2007
August 2007
September 2007
February 2008
May 2008
August 2008
March 2009
April 2009
May 2009
December 2009
February 2010
March 2010
April 2010
May 2010
August 2010
August 2011
September 2011
February 2012
June 2012
July 2012
August 2012
October 2012
November 2012
May 2013
August 2013
September 2013
December 2013
May 2014
October 2014
November 2014
December 2016