I saw a commercial for a dog breeding championship on television last night. There was the requisite dramatic voice over intoning "the finest dogs from the world over come together for one special event, and from hundreds of specialty breeds, only one will emerge triumphant, etc, etc." The background music was Europe's "The Final Countdown." I recognized it from a VH1 Least Metal Moments program.

It struck me that the band Europe look like poodles. Standing on their hind legs. They sound kind of yippy. I banished this thought.

Another angle might be less disturbing. The Final Countdown, that's another heavy metal armageddon reference, right? I'll assume so. I'm not willing to read the lyrics to verify that. Some things even I won't do. What kind of violent end-of-the-world flavor could be added to a dog show to make it palatable?

What if this Westminster Kennel Club event, or whatever the fuck it is, was converted to a Running Man style show? I know dog fights are illegal, but euthanizing them isn't. So fuck the humane society. Instead of having these slobbering shedding beasts prance in circles, let's have them bobsled! Let's make them bungee jump! I'll watch that dog show! Poodles on the trapeze! Splat!

Yeah, so I don't like dogs, and you think I'm a cruel sicko. Fuck you. If the animal was ugly you wouldn't care. I don't think you give a tin shit about maggots, hyenas, or pythons. It's that doggy's glowing wet idiot unblinking eyes that create that reaction in your maternal underbrain. Those eyes don't make me say "Awww, how cute." Not at all. I think dogs are foul, disgusting creatures.

And no, I don't actually harm animals, but my loathing for certain ones allows me to entertain myself by imagining comic pratfalls befalling them. Think of it as America's Funniest Home Videos. Like people skiing into trees and accidentally racking their testicles, except with dumb pets.

My favorite would always be the gimpy three-legged dog that keeps falling over.
10:01 AM - Bottle Rocket Fire Alarm