Wednesday, June 20, 2012
Zod's 2011 Almanac
After sixteen weeks of 16 Teams Enter, 1 Team Leaves, all that remains is one final contest, and from it, three players remaining to start. I hold a 100-64 lead over The Shu Dungeon. I have Drew Brees ready to rock. Shu Mei has both Matt Ryan and Pierre Thomas. Barring a disaster, His Imperial Majesty Emperor Zod shall triumph, fulfilling his destiny, completing his sixteen week march to glory.
"History is written by the winners." - George Orwell
It's time for me to arrogantly gloat, perhaps prematurely, and meanwhile provide an unofficial history of the inaugural year of this fine league.
This, of course, means liberal quoting of myself. Also, quite possibly, you. Whom am I addressing here? Well, ask yourself one question: Am I a loser? Before you get all huffy and defensive, first be honest: did you win? The answer for all fifteen of you will be: no, I did not win, and therefore, yes, I am a loser. There you go. Easy flowchart.
It's possible that you believe I got lucky. I can imagine you rationalizing: "Yeah, talk shit Steve, but without Brees, you'd have gotten absolutely nowhere." Well, that's completely true. Here's me on 8/31, in my draft review BEG FOR MERCY article:
"Quarterback touchdowns score 6 points, with bonuses for deep bombs, and a substantial 5 point bonus upon reaching 300 accumulated passing yards. Combine the high QB scoring with the scarcity caused by 16 teams requiring one, and I expect to see an early QB run. They are at a premium."
"Round 1: 10 of the first 16 picks are running backs. This bodes well for the mighty Zod. The top remaining options are Brees and Rivers. Emperor Zod, with the final pick of round one, gleefully selects Drew Brees.(16)"
Great Moments In 16:1 History #1 - Week 1
The Poopy Pants Destroyers slaughtered Dingers and Wife Blessers, 173-136. The subsequent brain damage incurred behind the woodshed eventually led a battered and confused Kristian Goodman to discard his Elvis costume, take up methamphetamines, and change his name to Los Pollos Hermanos. This development would not, however, be the first identity crisis in 16:1.
Emperor Zod was ranked 15th in the first Thunderdome rankings, ahead only of the team that took the Steelers DST in the 3rd, and had his "best" draft pick Chad Ochocinco in the 4th.
The owner of that 16th ranked team, Patrick Warner, had so little self-respect, he couldn't even be bothered to capitalize his own name, or that of his team, i am pachango. Zod knew he deserved to be ranked FAR above such a pitiful, self-loathing creature like pachango. An ignominious beginning, a galling insult, certainly, but Zod ignored Commissioner Ed's critique of his backfield. Zod said this before week 2:
"Zod needs no running backs. Such lifeforms are constantly recycled, and Zod will raise one up when he sees fit."
...in response to:
Khan Noonien Singh (or maybe Magnus Alexandros II, or Rick Dacey, or possibly some other name completely, depending on his mood, golly, another identity problem) called out Zod, claiming Zod lacked the mandate of heaven, and could not proclaim himself Emperor. Zod scoffed at Barfight Empire's "assassins" and later tracked him down and disposed him him in week 12, 145-104.
Great Moments is 16:1 History #2 - Week 3
Anthony Napolitano was the first team to use identity confusion to his advantage, dropping the name "Italian Actors Showdown" to become "Larry Dallas." I presume this was a week after Tom Brady scored 68 points in leading a comeback against the Dumpster Savages during week 1. Still, Anthony came up painfully short, 144-143. So he changed his name and challenged Ed to $150 stakes for their week 3 contest, with the proceeds sweetening the eventual league champion's pot of gold. Ant won, 129-74.
Zod called out Crash before week 3. Crash served me my first loss 196-147, but neglected to talk smack until he had it in the bag. Such cowardice would eventually lead to karmic retribution, and I took him down in week 10, 186-147. Crash had to put his broom back in the pantry, unused. Still, Crash would go on to edge me by 2 points for the Regular Season Total Points Award. This, combined with his early victory over me, has earned him a place as my female sidekick next year. He is Ursa.
Great Moments in 16:1 History #3 - Week 7
In a meeting of 5-1 teams, the Shane Harrell's PPR Pimp Dawgs really screwed the pooch, (intended) losing to Emperor Zod. The Pimp Dawgs were sent into an ugly downward spiral, losing all but one of his remaining six contests. His sole victory came at the expense of the lowly pachango.
After week 8, Clearly Mental had reached the top of the pile. Ed cursed him by choosing a picture of Fred Jackson for the Thunderdome rankings. Jackson was injured and placed on IR not long afterwards. Steven White's squad still came strong into the playoffs, defeating Crash's Crew in week 14. He finally fell before Shu in week 15.
Great Moments in 16:1 History #4 - Week 9
Vincent Boccia lit his "Dumpster Savages" on fire, becoming _. Eventually, he changed to White Men With Black Names, mysteriously choosing Chipper Jones over Khalil Greene for his team logo. Nobody understood; still don't. Soon thereafter, Chris Chico changed from "It's On Like Ndamukong" to BEST. CHEERLEADERS. EVER. Zod suspected they were bored. Certainly demoralized. Maybe they just wanted to be like Ben Fulker, who morphed from Red Rangers to Benitos Banditos after week 1. Can we lock team names next year, please?
Week 13 finally came around, and with it, finally, a slugfest between the noisiest, meanest, toughest shit fuck bastard assholes in the league. In a meaningless battle for seeding, in which byes were already secured, Shu and Zod barked and howled. Shu became the third team to humble the mighty Zod, albeit temporarily. Those who had done so before, Crash's Crew and Open Up And Say Ashomugha!, eventually went on to misfortune and ruin. Shu would soon learn.
Great Moments In 16:1 History #5 - Week 10
Dacey posts to Patrick Warner: "And try to write emails that don't sound like chinese descriptions of american movies on the backs of bootlegs." Five stars and two thumbs up for the line of the year, which mercilessly guillotined Warner's ongoing performance art act.
Well, now it's time to finish this thing. Shu, you need a miracle to take me down now. Ain't gonna happen. Prepare for a post-Christmas dessert, a big slice of humble pie with whipped cream on top. For your noble effort this year, you can be my male sidekick next year, Non.
Here's how I ended my Draft Review article:
"I believe I have a better than average shot to win this from the bottom of the draft pile."
"I am coming to your planet. I will rule without mercy."
"KNEEL BEFORE ZOD!"
Thanks to Ed Bonfanti for the great league, and to all of you for being good sports and loud trash talkers. It made the league a blast to participate in. I'll see you all next year. You'll see me there, drafting dead last.
Again. 10:35 PM - Bottle Rocket Fire Alarm
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