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Thursday, November 29, 2012

My Match Bio

This is a work in progress, but it's about time I put my best foot forward. I'm giving online dating a shot. Here's what I've got so far. I expect to be flooded with date requests from a horde of admirers any moment now.

I like exotic cuisine, mass market paperbacks, and MSNBC. I cook frequently with great enthusiasm but little skill.

I am not goal oriented. In fact, I am a listless castaway lacking ambition. I have no direction in life, about which I am ambivalent. I am not funny, interesting, or engaging in any fashion. I am cheap furniture. To put this in a positive light, I am somewhat tolerable.

Punctuality is not my strong suit. If we meet, lie to me about the time, otherwise I will be thirty minutes late.

I do take responsibility for my decisions. That's a plus. Unfortunately, my decisions are rarely correct.

I am also honest to fault. I stress fault. Hence the self-indictment you've read so far.

My sense of style? No. That's an oxymoron. I wear t-shirts with visual puns, political candidates, or musical act logos upon them. I should have stopped dressing like a 24 year old hipster years ago, but apparently these garments serve as an identity substitute for me, and like a wailing child who will not relinquish his pacifier, I continue to purchase these abominations. I wear black jeans year round, which fortunately requires no imagination. Yes, I own more than one pair. Four, in fact. I am not scummy.

I've quit smoking three times now, for four months each time. My dedication to anything even slightly challenging is practically nil. I'm awfully young to be running out the clock on life, but I just don't have any passion for anything. I should probably take up heroin, but those dealers don't deliver, and driving to the west side involves traffic. Too much hassle.

If I was rich, I would never, ever, leave my house. Groceries and supplies would be delivered. I would stay in, criminally over spice all my food, read pedestrian contemporary "literature," build jigsaw puzzles, and drink myself stupid every Sunday of the football season. I'm not rich, but I already accomplish a lot of these, which may strike you as impressive.

I live alone, thankfully, and find both cats and dogs supremely annoying, although dogs are much, much worse. I used to own a tarantula, which constantly got tangled in my hair (It's short now, obviously) when I let it crawl on my head.

I have no tattoos. I have no objection to them, I just want to wait for prison before I make any life-altering decisions.

I drink four or five tall energy drinks per day. I tremble constantly. My hands are like hummingbird wings.

You are smart, informed, and opinionated. Nerdy is good. I like activists and feminists. I'll tag along for a good protest. If you need somebody to listen as you spew bellowing tirades and righteous indignation (about any subject important to you) I will gladly listen and respond, hopefully in a manner that is not mumbled and monosyllabic.

Drop me line. After our date, all the other guys won't seem as terrible.
5:39 AM - Bottle Rocket Fire Alarm


November 30, 2012 11:54 PM, Blogger ... said...

Oh my gosh, that is terrific! You'll find a date for sure!

May 26, 2013 12:04 AM, Blogger Aaron B. Brown said...

Hey mother fucker it's six months into 2013, you better post something. Don't tell me you got a wife out of that last post

September 15, 2013 9:28 PM, Blogger Lostinspace said...

I have not been on here in years. But I always want to read you. Hope you are well, my friend.


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