Tinfoil Viking Science: Emperor Zod: Ace Reporter

Situation Normal. Atmosphere Breathable. Brainstem Injected. Dialogue Engaged.

Wednesday, September 18, 2013

Emperor Zod: Ace Reporter

Teen wunderkind and all around nice kid Zodrick Brundlebunk got out of school at precisely 3:25 pm. The earnest and intelligent lad stuffed his most important possessions into his trusty knapsack: a few pencils, a notepad, and his primary instrument of mayhem, a laptop.

Zodrick sprinted to the local internet cafe, where he bought a triple expresso, sat down, and proceeded to whip out his machine. He signed on to Twitter. His mission? Why, young Zodrick wanted nothing more than to harass each and every last beat reporter employed by any local newspaper within 50 miles of one of the 32 NFL teams. That, and obsessively refresh the player news feed on rotoworld. Vigilance is the price of success.

With a singular focus, he collected scouting intelligence to prepare for week three. Below is the information he assembled about both about his team, and that of his opponent, MidWestUnderdogg, owned by one mysterious and (heretofore) silent Mr. Bryan Moore.

In the news:

Colin Kaepernick (Emperor Zod) was quoted on Tuesday as saying: "I got mugged by the 12th Man in Seattle last Sunday, but Zod's troops carried us. Regardless, I gotta play better. That shit ain't gonna to happen to me in Indianapolis this week."

Drew Brees (MidWestUnderdogg) commented Monday: "I used to play for Zod. Great owner. We won a ring together. I play for the Dogg now, but I've never met the owner. Moore, I think his name is. Kind of a recluse, I hear."

Robbie Gould (MidwestUnderdogg) was almost arrested late Wednesday afternoon in Wrigleyville. Witnesses claim Gould urinated on a flowerbed in front of a home on the 1700 block of West Addison Avenue. Police arrived too late to secure an arrest, and later declined to comment. Rumor has it Robbie was later seen stumbling into a Taco Burrito King with a large wet spot on his crotch.

Meteorologists in Cleveland forecast a heavy front of Adrian Peterson (Emperor Zod) moving in from northwest of the city this weekend. They warned residents to stay in their homes unless absolutely necessary. One weatherman was quoted as saying "Adrian Peterson is to Cleveland as Godzilla is to Tokyo."

As young Zodrick continued his review of Bryan Moore's team, he realized that he owned each and every one of Bryan's players somewhere in each of the other eight leagues he participated in outside the Thunderdome. Welker, Bowe, Cook, Moreno, McFadden, each and every one. He did not, therefore, wish to undermine (talk shit about) those players. So he refrained, meanwhile cursing under his breath.

Except for one guy in Bryan's starting lineup. That guy, Zodrick thought, fuck him. Fuck Nate Burleson. He alone would key Bryan Moore and MidwestUnderDogg's downfall.

Young Zod smiled. He cracked his knuckles, reached for the keyboard, and began tweeting unsubstantiated rumors.

9:37 PM - Bottle Rocket Fire Alarm