I have my shitty maroon dodge intrepid back in semi-operational order. I still owe a bunch on the loan, and I just spent a gargantuan amount getting my transmission rebuilt. I could've had it cheaply replaced instead of rebuilt, but the weaker warranty would've expired right before it took another crap on my cringing face. By my calculations.

So I have a dilemma. I need more income. It's time to begin my assault on cafepress. Important questions to ask: Why is my t-shirt design special? What sets me apart, puts me a step above, elevates my product's worthiness? I shall focus with laser beam precision until the above are answered throroughly and excessively. Time for a list. I hate lists. It will probably be full of words I hate, too, like snark and blog. I'll try to stick to versions I prefer like sarcasm and journal. See, I'm already losing focus and getting sidetracked by my brain-abrading irritations.

#1. Art. I draw pretty damn wonderful tribal art. I've been tattooed on two people. Their idea, not mine. Time to get the scanner kicking. The roomie Tom has one. He's also a far more accomplished artist than I, with natural talent and formal education. I know he needs money, too. He'll eat this idea up like peppermint candy. He can open up shop, too.

#2.Wit. Punk shirts are full of things like upside-down flags, sneering politicians, swear words, and commerially hawked anti-commercialism. I can blend my sour stew of juvenalia and skin-peeling hatred to create some truly offensive paraphrenalia. The first will have a yellow ribbon on it and read "FUCK FAKE SYMPATHY" or maybe "FOR NODDING APPROVAL IN CHURCH PARKING LOTS." Maybe that's too subtle, and I should go with something heartwarming like "FUCK THE TROOPS." If people can make fun of Jesus in public and get away with it, why not American soldiers? Although really, it's not them I'm aiming for, it's the gullible domestic public. Perhaps a red ribbon shirt with "SUPPORT PRESIDENTIAL LITERACY." Hmm, Presidential Grammar, there's a good band name. There I go getting sidetracked again.

#3. Promotion. There's the standards of URL stickers on tollbooths and flyers at clubs, but if I want to get some really big attention, I need to piss off a large segment of the American public. I remember watching cable news during the Democratic National Convention and Planned Parenthood made a huge splash of outrage and publicity over their "I LOVE ABORTION" t-shirts. I need to think like them. O'Reilly can fellate me in the green room and I'll boost his ratings and dodge angry sniper assassins in return.

This is gonna be great.
11:24 AM - Bottle Rocket Fire Alarm