One of my longtime friends is a cokehead. Every so often I join him and indulge, but I'm not a daily user. I'm a casual sniffer. He's always been generous with me, and I appreciate that.

He called me on Tuesday asking for money. His phone had been turned off, so he borrowed one from his girlfriend's father. For emergency purposes only. (they have two kids) He used all the minutes on it in the act of setting up an elaborate multiperson cocaine deal. He needed me to call in and add some minutes using my debit card. He only had cash. He promised to bring me the money on Wednesday.

Never trust a junkie. Everybody knows that.

He's been a friend for ten years. I knew that this could spell trouble, but I couldn't say no. I'm nearly broke. I have just enough money for gasoline until payday. All luxuries involve free admission and free drinks this weekend. I'm teetering on the edge. If he were to fail I'd be stuck begging for loans. I've had to do that a lot lately and it burns. I feel like such a clown every time I do it. I feel defective and pathetic. Friendship means a lot to me, so against my better instincts I helped him out.

So Wednesday comes and goes with no word from him. He finally called last night, but didn't have the money. He had to wait for yet another deal to go down before he'd have the cash. I called every hour for the rest of the night, trying to figure out when I'd get this money back. He had to wait for his girl and the kids to go to sleep before he could sneak out and come visit. A grown man. Crawling out the window or tiptoeing down the stairs.

He never came, of course, and he isn't answering his phone today. Did I really expect any different? My other friends always tell me that I'm too skeptical about everything and should open up and trust people more than I do. They say I'd be nicer.

Yeah, right. Go buy a doormat.
4:47 PM - Bottle Rocket Fire Alarm