Situation Normal. Atmosphere Breathable. Brainstem Injected. Dialogue Engaged.
Wednesday, January 26, 2005

One Utopian's Assorted Marginalia

I love posting comments to people, and since I'm a lazy shit today with no intention of summoning freshly baked commentary, I'm going to assemble my favorite comments into a Voltron entry.

On Gulf War II: Imprudent Son

I support the war because everybody knows Saddam Hussein came here and used robot hijackers to destroy the twin towers. I also support the war because everybody knows that Osama Bin Laden is from Saudi Iraqia, the same place as Saddam. They are practicaly the same person. I also support the war because of the WMDs in abundance that they were going to use on Kansas and Idaho. That sneaky fella Saddam fed them all to his cats before we found them to make George look dumb, but I know better.

On a story published in the Algona Register (Iowa) on Thursday 1/13/05

I, for one, am opposed to keg registration. What else is there for teenagers in Algona to do besides drink themselves blind? I reckon if people start getting busted for contributing to delinquency because of that law, they'll stop buying beer for kids.

Therefore, the kids will take their fathers' corn scythes and hold up liquor stores. They'll plant marijuana crops in all the secret kid places that are instantly forgotten by people when they turn 18. They'll eventually become Satanic and kill their parents, take over Algona, repeal that law, and turn the place into a Logan's Run type society except that execution takes place at 21 not 30 and the method of death is alcohol poisoning. It sounds pretty cool actually.

On murdering pop stars named Simpson:

Can you just turn off your TV and end your exposure to the both of them if they bother you so much? Do your peers spend endless minutes discussing them? If that's the case, I understand your hatred.

I just don't think a knife to the jugular is good enough if your hatred burns so brightly. Maybe instead you should have them immolated in gasoline one limb at a time, broadcasting their facial expressions in slow motion in a sidebar window with football commentators announcing it. That would do your hatred justice. You might even make money if you started a weekly series on TV like American Idol, except the public gets to choose which celebrity dies/gets maimed and what method is used.

Anyways, I'm just trying to help. I really think you should read a book instead.

On horrifying celebrity plastic surgery results:

If only some genius would just kidnap Stephen Hawking and force him to create a facial hologram projector that could be worn as a necklace, we wouldn't have these disturbing melted visages. People could grow old gracefully underneath their holomasks.

Eventually this would lead to some sick psuedo-utopian society, and if your holo broke down and your true age was revealed in public, the pretty police would shotgun you out of existence, and life would suck and be more superficial than it is now. But in the short term, somebody could get really rich.

On parents finding your site:

My parents would never find my site, but if they did, they wouldn't read about how I covered dad with sliced cotto salami when he was passed out naked and drunk, or how I found those nude pictures from their honeymoon at Pike's Peak Colorado, or how often I peed out my bedroom window because I didn't want to let the the smoke out of my room, all because I never wrote it down. You should brain your dad with a skillet and then repeat a new madeup word over and over, one you never used here, and maybe he'll forget everything and you can be his special little angel again. When he gets home from the hospital I mean.

8:54 AM - Bottle Rocket Fire Alarm


January 26, 2005 1:16 PM, Blogger Staci said...

Not really for the war, b/c of all the people we have lost.
Underage drinking-uh don't care it is their liver not mine.
Plastic surgery-want it. Won't ever get it though. Call me "chicken shit"
Parents finding my site-not worried my mom knows everything anyway.

As for me cooking, hahahahaha no I don't do that. SERIOUSLY!!!

January 26, 2005 2:46 PM, Blogger bethany said...

Wow, Voltron, nice. Is it ok that as a girl I did not want to be the Pink Princess one, but wanted to be the Green Geeky one? I think that speaks volumes for who I am today.


Post a Comment

left-arrow Home

Bad Recipes
Of Mice And Vegetables
Dogs In A Blender
Packaged Rebellion
Crumbling Smokestacks
Paul For Mayor
The Horse I Rode In On
Fencepost Chode Indentations
Sorry Chuck
Crossover Drugs
August 2002
September 2002
October 2002
November 2002
December 2002
January 2003
February 2003
March 2003
April 2003
May 2003
September 2003
October 2003
November 2003
December 2003
January 2004
February 2004
August 2004
December 2004
January 2005
February 2005
March 2005
April 2005
May 2005
June 2005
July 2005
August 2005
September 2005
October 2005
November 2005
December 2005
January 2006
February 2006
March 2006
April 2006
May 2006
June 2006
July 2006
August 2006
September 2006
October 2006
November 2006
December 2006
January 2007
February 2007
April 2007
May 2007
June 2007
July 2007
August 2007
September 2007
February 2008
May 2008
August 2008
March 2009
April 2009
May 2009
December 2009
February 2010
March 2010
April 2010
May 2010
August 2010
August 2011
September 2011
February 2012
June 2012
July 2012
August 2012
October 2012
November 2012
May 2013
August 2013
September 2013
December 2013
May 2014
October 2014
November 2014
December 2016