Wednesday, January 26, 2005
One Utopian's Assorted Marginalia
I love posting comments to people, and since I'm a lazy shit today with no intention of summoning freshly baked commentary, I'm going to assemble my favorite comments into a Voltron entry.
On Gulf War II: Imprudent Son
I support the war because everybody knows Saddam Hussein came here and used robot hijackers to destroy the twin towers. I also support the war because everybody knows that Osama Bin Laden is from Saudi Iraqia, the same place as Saddam. They are practicaly the same person. I also support the war because of the WMDs in abundance that they were going to use on Kansas and Idaho. That sneaky fella Saddam fed them all to his cats before we found them to make George look dumb, but I know better.
On a story published in the Algona Register (Iowa) on Thursday 1/13/05
I, for one, am opposed to keg registration. What else is there for teenagers in Algona to do besides drink themselves blind? I reckon if people start getting busted for contributing to delinquency because of that law, they'll stop buying beer for kids.
Therefore, the kids will take their fathers' corn scythes and hold up liquor stores. They'll plant marijuana crops in all the secret kid places that are instantly forgotten by people when they turn 18. They'll eventually become Satanic and kill their parents, take over Algona, repeal that law, and turn the place into a Logan's Run type society except that execution takes place at 21 not 30 and the method of death is alcohol poisoning. It sounds pretty cool actually.
On murdering pop stars named Simpson:
Can you just turn off your TV and end your exposure to the both of them if they bother you so much? Do your peers spend endless minutes discussing them? If that's the case, I understand your hatred.
I just don't think a knife to the jugular is good enough if your hatred burns so brightly. Maybe instead you should have them immolated in gasoline one limb at a time, broadcasting their facial expressions in slow motion in a sidebar window with football commentators announcing it. That would do your hatred justice. You might even make money if you started a weekly series on TV like American Idol, except the public gets to choose which celebrity dies/gets maimed and what method is used.
Anyways, I'm just trying to help. I really think you should read a book instead.
On horrifying celebrity plastic surgery results:
If only some genius would just kidnap Stephen Hawking and force him to create a facial hologram projector that could be worn as a necklace, we wouldn't have these disturbing melted visages. People could grow old gracefully underneath their holomasks.
Eventually this would lead to some sick psuedo-utopian society, and if your holo broke down and your true age was revealed in public, the pretty police would shotgun you out of existence, and life would suck and be more superficial than it is now. But in the short term, somebody could get really rich.
On parents finding your site:
My parents would never find my site, but if they did, they wouldn't read about how I covered dad with sliced cotto salami when he was passed out naked and drunk, or how I found those nude pictures from their honeymoon at Pike's Peak Colorado, or how often I peed out my bedroom window because I didn't want to let the the smoke out of my room, all because I never wrote it down. You should brain your dad with a skillet and then repeat a new madeup word over and over, one you never used here, and maybe he'll forget everything and you can be his special little angel again. When he gets home from the hospital I mean.
8:54 AM - Bottle Rocket Fire Alarm
Of Mice And Vegetables
Dogs In A Blender
Paul For Mayor
The Horse I Rode In On
Fencepost Chode Indentations