Situation Normal. Atmosphere Breathable. Brainstem Injected. Dialogue Engaged.
Monday, January 31, 2005

Jackson Pollock vs. David Koresh

I got drunk last Thursday. Alone, to protect the innocent. I drank a twelver of beer and six or seven whiskey shots. I stubbed my toe on a coffee table. A sizable portion of the toenail on my middle right toe cracked and shot off like shrapnel. I didn't notice until the next day when I realized that I'd left blood blossoms all over the carpet. Normally I'd approve of this naturally occuring abstract art improvement of my carpet. Not so this time. It wasn't my carpet. So I cleaned it up. Since I didn't notice the injury right away I never got to soak another band-aid for my bloodstain collection. Just kidding. About the collection. Sort of. I only keep them when they qualify as art. Eventually I will display them, framed for classiness, within the walls of my mammoth monolithic compound.

What compound? Well....

Insert a rant about consumer culture and the idiocy of television here. More of the same, this time about the ubiquity of advertising. Cool. Next imagine an angry diatribe about the evil necessity of revolving credit here. Great. We're on our way. Finally, let's add something unprovable but likely true about the government. Excellent. Now we can skip straight to the part where I start a cult.

I will need the following people. Apply within the comments area.

Munitions expert. You must be missing a digit. This way I'll know you've learned the hard way to take proper precautions. Facial tics are a plus.

Heart remover. You get to rip still-beating hearts from the chests of screaming infidels. Chant composition skills are a plus. Bulging eyes, long fingernails, and bad teeth required.

Religious freak. You quote scripture to suit my devious ends. Hypnotism is required for brainwashing purposes. You also get to pick out the kool-aid flavor. I am partial to grape. Hopefully you are, too.

Pimp. Any good cult needs nubile virgins. Or approximations of them. This is your job. Promise cocaine and Jagermeister to female recruits. I will gladly supply these staples of cult consumption.

Blacksmith. As we grow my compound may need bars on the windows. You will also make crowbars for our roaming packs of hooligans.

Union contractor: As we grow my compound may need the windows sealed up with masonry. You are also responsible for maintenance of any secret underground chambers I decide upon, regardless of architectural prudence or village ordinance.

Politician. You know the deal. We don't have to discuss it here, right?

Now we all get to pick new names for ourselves. I got dibs on Jesus.

10:24 AM - Bottle Rocket Fire Alarm


January 31, 2005 12:36 PM, Blogger sic said...

Ooh! Ooh! Ooh! [waves hand in air like the teacher's pet that she always wanted to be]

I want to remove the still-beating hearts!

My eyes don't bulge, but they frequently glare. My nails are the opposite of long; they all broke off. And my teeth aren't so much bad as vampire-shaped.


January 31, 2005 12:41 PM, Blogger Stace said...

I wanna be the P-I-M-P!!!! Got it? If you got something to say about that, please talk to my hoes, that follow shortly behind me.


January 31, 2005 2:34 PM, Blogger bethany said...

I dont really fit the description of any of your needs. I do, however, have a penchant for coke and Jagermeister, so count me in as a nubile virgin. Um, technical virgin that is.

January 31, 2005 5:10 PM, Blogger Wyatt Junker said...

I don't have good credit and my glands have an unusual nagging odor, but my pimp hand is strong for smacking.

I think I can help you out.

January 31, 2005 6:24 PM, Blogger Stace said...

I added you to my links!!! Feel special. Ok? ;-)

February 01, 2005 1:02 PM, Blogger sCruuw said...

I 'listened' to this post to me in Natural Voice reader...downloadable here :

sounded like a very important 007 mission! The monotone computer generated reading was so serious it busted me up! Still cracking me up off to listen to Wyatt's entire blog read by the 'Reader Man'.

February 01, 2005 2:47 PM, Blogger Bottle Rocket Fire Alarm said...

You're all hired. Candi, you are minister of propoganda. You get to make empty promises.

February 02, 2005 1:53 PM, Blogger sCruuw said...

Sweet! I will try to model my ministry after 'Bagdad Bob'! And I will be no less informative than Aljazeera!

February 02, 2005 1:56 PM, Blogger sCruuw said...

'than' should be 'as'..

My double posting and corrections and removing of posts...shows my impulsive side, sorry...gotta lay off the caffeine!

February 02, 2005 6:12 PM, Blogger Marilyndrew said...

stupid drunk story: in college i fell out of bed (alone) and smacked my forehead on the nightstand so hard I had a black eye for a week. i had to go to the emergency room the next day because my eyes were black and I thought my nose was broken. i also had to function and go to both work and class with 2 black eyes and a damn lame story.

and i wanna sign up to be a virgin

October 02, 2005 6:20 PM, Blogger payday loan said...

do you agree? -the payday cash loan guy

October 04, 2005 8:00 AM, Blogger Quit Smoking said...

I am looking for ideas to start my own blog about ebooks and you have give me a few ideas. Thank you. Good blog. I will check it each week.

October 04, 2005 4:57 PM, Blogger Dr. X said...

Great job! Another decent payday loan site to add to my list! Hope you don't mind I leave mine here,
one hour payday loan


Post a Comment

left-arrow Home

Vitriolic Misanthropy
No Good Deed Goes Unpunished
Ballads About Food
One Utopian's Assorted Marginalia
Bad Recipes
Of Mice And Vegetables
Dogs In A Blender
Packaged Rebellion
Crumbling Smokestacks
Paul For Mayor
August 2002
September 2002
October 2002
November 2002
December 2002
January 2003
February 2003
March 2003
April 2003
May 2003
September 2003
October 2003
November 2003
December 2003
January 2004
February 2004
August 2004
December 2004
January 2005
February 2005
March 2005
April 2005
May 2005
June 2005
July 2005
August 2005
September 2005
October 2005
November 2005
December 2005
January 2006
February 2006
March 2006
April 2006
May 2006
June 2006
July 2006
August 2006
September 2006
October 2006
November 2006
December 2006
January 2007
February 2007
April 2007
May 2007
June 2007
July 2007
August 2007
September 2007
February 2008
May 2008
August 2008
March 2009
April 2009
May 2009
December 2009
February 2010
March 2010
April 2010
May 2010
August 2010
August 2011
September 2011
February 2012
June 2012
July 2012
August 2012
October 2012
November 2012
May 2013
August 2013
September 2013
December 2013
May 2014
October 2014
November 2014
December 2016