So where is this elusive J.D. Power, and who are his associates?

I've always wanted a position of authority from which I could nobly proclaim authoritative declarations into echoing chambers. My word would be gold. I could say that your pizza shop makes the best midsize luxury pepperoni panzerotti in five counties, and people would order them freeze-dried to preserve for future generations.

I'm not talking about a position as a quote whore. I won't be spewing out movie review crap for box covers. I won't be Joel Siegel from Good Morning America. It's apparent to me that all you have to do with him is pop a quarter in, turn the crank, and instantly receive a "Stunning dramatic intensity!" or "Sheer comedic genius!" I don't watch morning shows because I work and generally hate television programming anyways, but I know Mr. Siegel because his defecation is splattered on the packaging of every DVD I've ever bought. Something like 100. That goes for Peter Travers from Rolling Stone, too.

So. Back to J.D Power. I know what his awards looks like. They're regularly featured in car commericals, and they're shown over a white background, as if they are magical awards that can only be viewed in an alternate reality void. I know that J.D. doesn't just hand out awards, he goes so far as to rank the cars on lists. He is always mentioned with reverence and pride, as if he's the automotive Jesus.

I don't buy it. I think Power is a jittery cokehead with a messiah complex. There's no way he was born with that name. He picked it out of a pro wresting merchandise catalog. J.D. probably stands for Jack Daniels and he thought this up one night after peeing his pants.

Since the car companies will do anything to sell cars, they'd probably take an award if I sent it to them. Watch your screens. Coming soon: car ads boasting that their vehicle won the "Rocket Fire Nader Award for Best Funeral Economy."
10:17 AM - Bottle Rocket Fire Alarm