Situation Normal. Atmosphere Breathable. Brainstem Injected. Dialogue Engaged.
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Thursday, February 03, 2005

Tract Pull

Last night I navigated a gauntlet of pickle sucking hobos to reach a fast food joint at Western & Milwaukee. They each wanted a miniscule chunk of my meager income so that they, too, could bask in the glory of .49/.59 burger day. I hate McD's food, but those prices are cheap enough that I cheerfully discard my moral outrage and highbrow disdain for their soggy food product. Actually I still avoid them but I had to go there to install security cameras anyways, so I ate some cheeseburgers. I insisted upon my condiments. They tried to charge me .50 for lettuce. As a contractor I was able to namecheck the owner and the flustered immigrant quickly acquiesced.

Later that evening I got to stand on the roof. That's my favorite thing about this job, standing on roofs and watching the flurries of human activity on the snowy city streets below.

It was just past midnight. I was watching people walk down stairs from the El platform when my phone rang loudly. I was startled and nearly slipped on a patch of ice. That would've resulted in me getting a bloody ride down the sloped red roof and down into the back seat of some hapless drive-thru customer. I steadied myself.

It was the third call of the day from the former roomie. No mentions of airplane tickets or corpses this time. Not exactly. He wanted me to help him carry somebody up three flights of stairs.

"If he's dead, just put him in the van."

"Ha ha, Steve. He's drunk, he puked in my car and on my sidewalk. It's too cold outside to leave him in my car."

I wasn't done working so he had to loiter for a while. By the time I arrived I needed to shit very badly. He was drunk, although not so severely as his snoring friend. He couldn't understand that I'd be unable to help carry a 200 pound person if I had ploppy splashes of diarrhea cascading down my legs, eternally staining my white pants. I yelled until he finally let me in.

"I shit here on the stoop or up there, but either way Shawn is not getting carried up until I vacate my bowels! Urrggh! Now!"

That'll teach me to eat at McD's. I made it to the toilet in time. The cats were unable to exit the bathroom fast enough and were trapped in there when I closed the door. They left scratch marks on the door.
1:55 PM - Bottle Rocket Fire Alarm

9 Comments:

February 03, 2005 3:06 PM, Blogger Stace said...

YOU ARE SO DISGUSTING!!!!!!!!!!! LOL but I sure did laugh my ass off. What exactly do you do, b/c at midnight, I would hope my ass would be in bed.

 
February 03, 2005 3:08 PM, Blogger ella said...

Yup those sound like symptoms of eating McD's to me,so much for my lunch though.Interesting blog

 
February 03, 2005 3:11 PM, Blogger You've Got What I Need... said...

Pickle sucking hobos? That's sort of smutty.

 
February 03, 2005 3:42 PM, Blogger Bottle Rocket Fire Alarm said...

Anastacia, I'm a purchasing & inventory manager for a company that does fast food register systems, closed cicuit television, and camera security. I used to be a field contractor and sometimes they still send me out to help when we're short on labor. I did a 17 hour workday yesterday. I'm only doing 5 today.

To all: The perturbed crackhead photo of me is back by popular demand. Damn you all.

 
February 03, 2005 3:56 PM, Blogger sic said...

I'd comment, but I don't really know what to say.

 
February 03, 2005 4:28 PM, Blogger sCruuw said...

I had MCD's yesterday too...nuggets

I love their Iced Tea.

 
February 03, 2005 5:44 PM, Blogger Wyatt Junker said...

'As a contractor I was able to namecheck the owner and the flustered immigrant quickly acquiesced.'

I love that line because its exactly what I do when I find that they short my order. I grab them by their collars screaming WHERE'S YOUR GREEN CARD? They usually comp me a free meal by then after I leave them shaking.

 
February 03, 2005 7:52 PM, Blogger daniel said...

Love blogs about having a crunk.

 
February 04, 2005 10:16 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

That's hilarious. Scat humor is the best. By the way, there's a really great Cuban place right down the street from that McDonald's. It's called Irazu and its about a block or two east on Milwaukee. Good stuff if you're looking for food that won't cause an emergency dump.

-jamie

 

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