“There’s some poop. It looks like pulpy licorice chunks. Right there on the staircase. There’s another one. And another. I saw some in the kitchen, too, and in the lounge. Pretty soon we’ll have a whole carpet of ferret dookus to soften our heels. Quite charming.”

“Yeah, I know. It’s my job to clean that up, so don’t worry about it.”

“I’m not worried. I have a strong immune system. It’s just…”

“Yeah?”

“Ecology. We have an ecosystem. I’ve never been a fan of pets. Never been a fan of domesticated lessers. I’m having a tough time adjusting. There’s cat hair everywhere. Now ferret rope. It’s a lot to adjust to, especially for a cold bastard like me.”

“Don’t be a grump.”

“Remember at your last apartment? I told you I’d crush that fucking ferret’s skull with my heel if it wandered into toe nipping range. Now that happens daily and all I can do is hiss at it like a fucking feline or crush it. I don’t wanna crush your pet. Not much, anyways. But it’s really hard to hold back when it knocks over the toilet brush holder and rolls around in it. That’s disgusting, you know. I’m laughing too, but that’s horrible.”

“Better get used to it.”

“I’m trying, that’s what I’m saying.”

“You get along with Suzy okay.”

“Suzy cuddles up next to me because I’m the only human without another animal’s funkstench lathered all over me. She’s just settling for the only untainted person. There’s no genuine affection."

"You're wrong, she really likes you."

"I don’t mind her that much, I admit. It’s cutting into my stubborn ‘I hate animals’ stance, but don’t you dare go labeling me a cat person. I’m still a spider person. For sure.”

“Cat person, cat person, na-na-na-na-naaa-naaa!”

“I wonder if they taste good?”

“Stop it.” 3:57 PM - Bottle Rocket Fire Alarm