Monday, March 20, 2006
I was greeted by an angry bear when I walked into work this morning. I did a quadruple take and wondered to myself: Is that an angry bear standing before me, reaching out with mangy paws to gouge away at my flesh, to rupture my vitals and drain my life onto the ugly carpet?
The bear was stationary. I found this fortunate, as my wrangling skills are, uh… a little rusty. I haven’t done the whole Jeremiah Johnson thing since I was twelve, and those were just possums.
Somebody just died and left his taxidermy collection to the president of this little technology company. The president thought it would be cute to deliver a couple corpses to the office, where they’d await the arrival of easily terrified employees on Monday.
The other one is an enormous elk head. Twenty three points on the antlers. Dismebodied as it is, it doesn’t quite conjure that high a level of fright. At least, it wouldn’t unless I mounted it in somebody’s shower, where it would likely cause an accidental eyeball piercing. Not very fashionable. Perhaps if I put a walkie talkie inside… nah.
Later that morning a pair of door to door salemen came to the office. They were selling Disney children’s books, and asked if I might be interested in a two for one special.
“I already sold both of my children into slavery. Try next door at the dentist’s office.”
My coworkers patted me on the back. "You tell 'em, Steve."
One of the Disney fucks returned. She asked us a question.
“May I use your bathroom?”
I had wheeled the bear into the bathroom several hours previous. Our toilet paper dispenser is in an awkward spot, so I decided to have the bear hold the toilet paper roll in a more convenient location. It also gave me somebody to talk to while I pinched out yesterday’s White Castle and Nutty Bars.
“Sure, go right ahead, bathroom’s right there.”
What happened next will forever be a highlight of my life. I cannot do her reaction any justice with mere words, but I’ll drop a few choice quotes for you.
“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! There’s, there’s a… aw hell naw!”
“Tha fuck is this? Y’all gotta bear in that muh-fucka? Is you dudes crazy? All worshipping the devil in yo little cracker cult? I finna quit this job. I cain’t hannle none a this no mo!”
“Y’all is crazy. That’s it.”
3:05 PM - Bottle Rocket Fire Alarm
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