Situation Normal. Atmosphere Breathable. Brainstem Injected. Dialogue Engaged.
Friday, March 10, 2006

The Last Gasp Part One

Elmer clutched the edge of the cafeteria table and lowered his skinny, wrinkled, ancient ass onto a folding chair. He flutterblasted a sharp, dry fart from his weary posterior. It swirled in his diapers like a Depression era dustbowl.

“Ah fiddlesticks. I cain’t even sit mah old butt down without risking a hem’ridge anymore. That ‘un almost tore me. Oof.”

White clad orderlies delivered trays of bland, saltless food guaranteed to make bedpan duty less goopy and keep the old fucks’ heart rates low enough to be considered merely semi-catastrophic. Yet no matter how flavorless or inoffensive the culinary fare, the elderly residents would still rupture and croak with metronomic frequency. It was important for the sales force to keep a steady stream of corpses in waiting signing up. Otherwise, cash flow would dry up faster than a menopausal pussy.

One such orderly, Roy, had scored his employment at Shady Oaks via a family connection. His uncle was the “hospitality director” and had hired his sister’s son as a favor. Roy was a nasty little shit with jail tattoos and a barely repressed heroin reflex. For him, access to the aged and helpless was a golden opportunity to vent his misanthropy and sadism upon a captive population of the withered and feeble. It was bully heaven.

He stood near the door of the cafeteria, mop and bucket ignored at his side, arms crossed, looking with contempt upon the assembled group of the unloved and forgotten. Although their children may be waiting for each one to conclude life with a merciful death, Roy liked to imagine better methods of passing for each than a gentle cessation of breathing during restful sleep. These were still daydreams. Roy had not yet graduated from skinning squirrels and stomping cats to real thing: killing actual people. He knew the time would come very soon. A man could only hold such urges at bay for a limited amount of time.

He scanned the liverspotted crowd, pondering potential first victims. His eyes settled upon good old Elmer.

Elmer was eating his tray of chicken, corn, and jello with a moderate amount of success. The onset of Parkinson’s disease had begun, and his motor functions were starting to deteriorate. As he lifted a spoonful of corn to his lips, his hand shook, causing suicidal kernels to dive from the lip of the spoon. They would bounce from the trampoline of jello and launch onto the table. Elmer’s adam’s apple shook and swayed, causing his neck to take on a decidedly turkeylike appearance. Roy mentally dubbed Elmer “old gobbly.”

Elmer tried to spoon his corn into his mouth, licking his thin dry lips to help the corn stick when his aim was slightly off. He looked much like a lizard, running his thin tongue over his nearly nonexistent lips. Lips which sunk in when his dentures were out, like now. He didn’t need them for food this soft.

To Roy, Elmer looked barely human when he tried to eat. He thought it might just be fun to kill Elmer by force feeding him. Yeah... That sounded like fun.


This first chapter was inspired by seeing an old lady gingerly nibbling an ice cream cone in front of the White Hen Pantry in Schaumburg the other day. I just started with the imagery of old folks eating and it grew from there.
10:40 AM - Bottle Rocket Fire Alarm


March 10, 2006 3:29 PM, Blogger Anonysis said...

I am afraid for Elmer!

March 12, 2006 5:32 AM, Blogger if_i_had_a_hammer said...

one day i was at this burrito joint just outside of downtown. me and two of the people i work with were having a fun discussion about goth clubs (i've never been to one) and other such vulgar things. two elderly people were sitting at the booth next to us.

we were cussing and laughing and whatnot, but from time to time, i'd look at the two old people, who reminded me of the couple from that American Gothic painting. their faces were sullen, sunken in and stoic. one time, i looked over and noticed they were gone. I hadn't seen them leave. then, i saw them through the big window that looked out onto the main street. the old man was doubled over and vomiting while the old woman stood next to him, watching with the same sullen look. it was really sad. the other two guys i was with didn't notice. it made me never want to get old. but my burrito was still pretty damn good.

March 13, 2006 10:28 AM, Anonymous sarcastrix said...

Frankly, I think I'm afraid for Roy. I have a suspicion that Elmer's not who he appears to be.

Or maybe I just read/watch too much sci-fi...

March 13, 2006 1:44 PM, Anonymous red said...

I hope sarcastrix is right... I feel so bad for the old and useless. Mostly because someday i'll be one (if all goes according to plan). pleeeeeease let Elmer kick Roy's disrespectful ass!

March 15, 2006 3:26 PM, Blogger karen gsteiger said...

This story promises to be delightfully unpleasant. My money's on Elmer...

March 17, 2006 2:09 PM, Blogger Anonysis said...

where are you Steve?

March 17, 2006 4:25 PM, Blogger Bottle Rocket Fire Alarm said...


I went to lunch with Anita today. We atlked about this.

I'm still trying to decide if Roy kills Elmer and Elmer comes back as a ghost, or if Elmer uses some old folks Macguyver type trickery to take out Roy, or if maybe some aliens or demons arrive and change the dynamics completely.

I have a few other ideas as well. Next week sometime.

March 18, 2006 12:29 PM, Blogger Story Blook said...

I vote for Elmer coming back as a violent revenge Filled spirit and kicking the shyt outta Roy .. tee hee.

March 20, 2006 10:36 AM, Anonymous red said...

gasp!! Maybe Elmer ISN'T old, he's just a majorly washed up heroin addict that's been following Roy... for reasons yet to be imagined....


Post a Comment

left-arrow Home

Palais du Hammersmeeth
Magellan's Pants
Hold The Ketchup
Ink Inc. Part Five
Ink Inc. Part Four
Ink Inc. Part Three
Ink Inc. Part Two
Fortune Teller
August 2002
September 2002
October 2002
November 2002
December 2002
January 2003
February 2003
March 2003
April 2003
May 2003
September 2003
October 2003
November 2003
December 2003
January 2004
February 2004
August 2004
December 2004
January 2005
February 2005
March 2005
April 2005
May 2005
June 2005
July 2005
August 2005
September 2005
October 2005
November 2005
December 2005
January 2006
February 2006
March 2006
April 2006
May 2006
June 2006
July 2006
August 2006
September 2006
October 2006
November 2006
December 2006
January 2007
February 2007
April 2007
May 2007
June 2007
July 2007
August 2007
September 2007
February 2008
May 2008
August 2008
March 2009
April 2009
May 2009
December 2009
February 2010
March 2010
April 2010
May 2010
August 2010
August 2011
September 2011
February 2012
June 2012
July 2012
August 2012
October 2012
November 2012
May 2013
August 2013
September 2013
December 2013
May 2014
October 2014
November 2014
December 2016