“This is a strange conversation to have.”

“Especially considering you’re both parts of it. You’re talking to yourself.”

“Technically, yes, but in order to have this discussion, I have to imbue you with a personality and all sorts of traits. I think most guys do this. At least, I hope so.”

“I don’t talk. I’m not supposed to talk. I get hard and I squirt. I love surfing pussies. Or, far more often, your hands, you hopeless loser. Why do I need a personality? I suppose you want to name me now."

“If you earn it. Anyways, I want to congratulate you, I mean congratulate me, or… whatever. I’m just happy with your growth.”

“My growth.”

“Yeah. Let me explain. All throughout my teenage years I thought you were pretty small, even though you match up to the so-called average six inches. Still, I felt small, mainly because of Dad.”

“This is disgusting.”

“Yeah, yeah, I know. Now shut up and let me finish. Dad would always pass out wasted and so forth, and often he’d be dangling out from his loose and stained tighty whiteys. Compared to you, he was enormous. A real snake. I always thought I got the bad end of family genetics on the whole dick deal. Fortunately, I was wrong.”

“This is too weird for me, and I’m just a cheerful dick who doesn’t get enough sunlight. Would you stop?”

“No. See, I figured it all out. You got a promotion. You’re bigger now than you were even a month ago, and we’re well past puberty. By all rights, you should stay the same, for the most part. But you’re growing. Mainly in girth, not in length, but growing nonetheless. I couldn’t be more thrilled. Here’s my theory. After the third girl, you got a level up, kind of like a video game.”

“You are such a dork.”

“No you’re the dork. Bad choice of words. Try nerd or geek for me in this instance.”

“Christ.”

“I hope you aren’t religious.”

“I just go with the flow, in more ways than one. You’re fond of religious profanity, and I’m just following your lead.”

“Of course. So anyways, you’re thicker, stronger, and more effective now. Thanks and keep up the good work.”

"Are you sure you aren't imagining things? You did just mow the lawn recently."

"Nope, I'm sure."

“You’re still not keeping me busy enough. I’m bored stupid down here.”

“Shut up. Life is improving and you know it. So stop complaining and keep your head up.” 12:41 PM - Bottle Rocket Fire Alarm