Situation Normal. Atmosphere Breathable. Brainstem Injected. Dialogue Engaged.
Thursday, March 02, 2006

Magellan's Pants

“This is a strange conversation to have.”

“Especially considering you’re both parts of it. You’re talking to yourself.”

“Technically, yes, but in order to have this discussion, I have to imbue you with a personality and all sorts of traits. I think most guys do this. At least, I hope so.”

“I don’t talk. I’m not supposed to talk. I get hard and I squirt. I love surfing pussies. Or, far more often, your hands, you hopeless loser. Why do I need a personality? I suppose you want to name me now."

“If you earn it. Anyways, I want to congratulate you, I mean congratulate me, or… whatever. I’m just happy with your growth.”

“My growth.”

“Yeah. Let me explain. All throughout my teenage years I thought you were pretty small, even though you match up to the so-called average six inches. Still, I felt small, mainly because of Dad.”

“This is disgusting.”

“Yeah, yeah, I know. Now shut up and let me finish. Dad would always pass out wasted and so forth, and often he’d be dangling out from his loose and stained tighty whiteys. Compared to you, he was enormous. A real snake. I always thought I got the bad end of family genetics on the whole dick deal. Fortunately, I was wrong.”

“This is too weird for me, and I’m just a cheerful dick who doesn’t get enough sunlight. Would you stop?”

“No. See, I figured it all out. You got a promotion. You’re bigger now than you were even a month ago, and we’re well past puberty. By all rights, you should stay the same, for the most part. But you’re growing. Mainly in girth, not in length, but growing nonetheless. I couldn’t be more thrilled. Here’s my theory. After the third girl, you got a level up, kind of like a video game.”

“You are such a dork.”

“No you’re the dork. Bad choice of words. Try nerd or geek for me in this instance.”


“I hope you aren’t religious.”

“I just go with the flow, in more ways than one. You’re fond of religious profanity, and I’m just following your lead.”

“Of course. So anyways, you’re thicker, stronger, and more effective now. Thanks and keep up the good work.”

"Are you sure you aren't imagining things? You did just mow the lawn recently."

"Nope, I'm sure."

“You’re still not keeping me busy enough. I’m bored stupid down here.”

“Shut up. Life is improving and you know it. So stop complaining and keep your head up.”
12:41 PM - Bottle Rocket Fire Alarm


March 02, 2006 5:06 PM, Anonymous Anita said...

ummm,....ok. I'm happy for you? And yeah, visions of Dad screwed me up for life too - don't think I'm going to have an epiphany to the contrast like you though. I'm just forever scarred. Glad you got something positive out of it, I think.

March 03, 2006 10:53 AM, Blogger Anonysis said...

Strike a pose.....
Strike a pose.....
All you need is your own imagination, so use it thats what its for.........You're a superstar, yes thats what you are you know it, Cmon..Vogue.........

March 03, 2006 1:33 PM, Blogger Belldoorlover said...

Ha ha ha ha. That rocked.

March 03, 2006 1:43 PM, Blogger You've Got What I Need... said...

Level up. HA!

March 03, 2006 11:12 PM, Blogger Nobody special said...

Stroke that ego. lol

March 07, 2006 1:11 AM, Blogger Alecia said...

omg - that was so creative and humorous guy all at the same time. very illuminating for us women. But, I guess congrats are in order. Yay for penile growth.

March 07, 2006 2:09 AM, Blogger karen gsteiger said...

Congratulations, Steve! I'm always happy to see you succeed in all...facets of your life.

I think that you might want to restrategize your marketing here, though. Take it from me--I've based my whole persona on the trusty formula of "trauma + self-deprecating humor"...and where has it gotten me? Staying up too late on the Internet, ignoring my pet and husband, and dreading my return to my thankless job 6.5 hours from now.

You deserve much better than that. So I think you should rework your whole approach...sell it!

"NEW AND IMPROVED!!! Steve's STATE-OF-THE-ART available in a LARGER, EVEN MORE SATISFYING size and a variety of SCRUMPTIOUS flavors! Choose from creme brulee, Nutella, and currywurst. Ladies, don't miss this ONCE-IN-A-LIFETIME opportunity...Steve's NEW AND IMPROVED STATE-OF-THE-ART AND CONSIDERABLY LARGER dick is only available for a limited NOW!"

My boss is really fond of the term "state-of-the-art." And he's really successful, so he should know.

There. See if that doesn't get you some positive results.

March 07, 2006 2:36 AM, Blogger Latigo Flint said...

Self-exploration... I've always been a real sucker for it.

(Wait, not in that way though!)

March 07, 2006 1:42 PM, Anonymous red said...

congrats on your, umm, big acheivment. but i really wanted to comment on the pic of the Atari controller...holy memories.

March 13, 2006 10:17 AM, Anonymous sarcastrix said...

I was sure I left a comment here.

Huh... I wonder what I said.


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