Situation Normal. Atmosphere Breathable. Brainstem Injected. Dialogue Engaged.
stg-roadrunner-gfx
Tuesday, February 28, 2006

Hold The Ketchup



“Excuse me, can you please warm this for twenty seconds for me?”

“Miss, the microwaves are only for products bought here. Company policy. I’m sorry.”

“So if I buy one of those greasy breakfast biscuits, you can cook these together?”

“What is it, anyways?”

“It’s uh… a breadstick. Yeah. I’m on a starch diet and um… I can only eat a certain amount at a time. I’ll give the sandwich to my boyfriend, I guess. He’s out in the car."

The fidgety girl handed over the paper towel wrapped breadstick to the convenient store clerk, who promptly ushered both items into the microwave. Unlike most microwaves, this one did not allow for custom cooking times. There were only three buttons: 1 minute, 2 minutes, and 5 minutes. The clerk pressed 1.

“That doesn’t smell like bread. What is that?”

“It’s done! I gotta go. Give it over! Hurry up!”

The clerk opened the metal box, interrupting the humming heat. He reached for the sandwich first and placed it on the counter.

“Would you like a bag for these?”

“Yeah, sure, just hurry up, I’m late for work.”

“Easy lady, I’m working on it.”

He reached for the breadstick and removed it from the microwave.

“Ow! Shit! Fuck! That’s hot!”

He dropped it on the counter and the paper towel unraveled. Tumbling out was a steaming penis with heat blisters. It rolled back towards the clerk and fell to the floor behind the counter. A trickle of urine dribbled out on the tiles.

“Oh my GOD! What the hell-?”

“Gimme my dick back. Now, asshole, or I’ll tear your eyes from your head.”

“Step back, you crazy bitch. I’m calling the cops. I don’t know why you cut off somebody’s dick, and I don’t know why you’re microwaving the fucking thing at a 7-11, but you’re going to jail. So fucking gross. I can’t believe this shit!”

According to police reports, the cock in question was a prosthetic device used to deliver OPP (other people’s piss) into the cup during a drug test. Apparently, they also measure urine temperature to make sure it isn’t cold. For obvious reasons. This little scene is sadly based on reality. Hello, Philadelphia, I'm looking at you. Your reputation as a cultural mecca just skyrocketed.

I'm Not Kidding, Read This And Then This.
12:40 PM - Bottle Rocket Fire Alarm

7 Comments:

February 28, 2006 1:01 PM, Blogger Mishka said...

Only you could find an article like this...thanks for opening my eyes. I didn't even know they made these things.

 
February 28, 2006 1:34 PM, Blogger r-e-n spells ren but i'm raw said...

that

fukin

rocked

 
February 28, 2006 3:09 PM, Blogger karen gsteiger said...

I think you should make a habit of dramatizing fucked-up newstories...God, that was fabulous! I wonder if she was just planning to whip out her fake dick during the test? "Oh, they'll never catch on..."

 
February 28, 2006 5:55 PM, Blogger hijacked frequencies said...

jesussssssssssssssss

NOW i've heard it all.

 
February 28, 2006 6:54 PM, Blogger Lostinspace said...

wow. you really have got to be shitting me. ha.

 
February 28, 2006 9:09 PM, Blogger Wino McHackenpuke said...

Nice. This one actually reads like it should have been posted on The Handsomes.

Brief and to the point; suitably disgusting.

Yeah, definitely.

 
March 02, 2006 9:17 AM, Blogger P/O said...

wow. thanks for making my morning. no, my week. no, my... well anyway.

 

Post a Comment

left-arrow Home

stg-shark
Ink Inc. Part Five
Ink Inc. Part Four
Ambushed!
Ink Inc. Part Three
Ink Inc. Part Two
Fortune Teller
Flipsider
Ink Inc. Part One
Shattered Mirror
Candlewax Courage
August 2002
September 2002
October 2002
November 2002
December 2002
January 2003
February 2003
March 2003
April 2003
May 2003
September 2003
October 2003
November 2003
December 2003
January 2004
February 2004
August 2004
December 2004
January 2005
February 2005
March 2005
April 2005
May 2005
June 2005
July 2005
August 2005
September 2005
October 2005
November 2005
December 2005
January 2006
February 2006
March 2006
April 2006
May 2006
June 2006
July 2006
August 2006
September 2006
October 2006
November 2006
December 2006
January 2007
February 2007
April 2007
May 2007
June 2007
July 2007
August 2007
September 2007
February 2008
May 2008
August 2008
March 2009
April 2009
May 2009
December 2009
February 2010
March 2010
April 2010
May 2010
August 2010
August 2011
September 2011
February 2012
June 2012
July 2012
August 2012
October 2012
November 2012
May 2013
August 2013
September 2013
December 2013
May 2014
October 2014
November 2014
December 2016