Situation Normal. Atmosphere Breathable. Brainstem Injected. Dialogue Engaged.
Tuesday, February 28, 2006

Hold The Ketchup

“Excuse me, can you please warm this for twenty seconds for me?”

“Miss, the microwaves are only for products bought here. Company policy. I’m sorry.”

“So if I buy one of those greasy breakfast biscuits, you can cook these together?”

“What is it, anyways?”

“It’s uh… a breadstick. Yeah. I’m on a starch diet and um… I can only eat a certain amount at a time. I’ll give the sandwich to my boyfriend, I guess. He’s out in the car."

The fidgety girl handed over the paper towel wrapped breadstick to the convenient store clerk, who promptly ushered both items into the microwave. Unlike most microwaves, this one did not allow for custom cooking times. There were only three buttons: 1 minute, 2 minutes, and 5 minutes. The clerk pressed 1.

“That doesn’t smell like bread. What is that?”

“It’s done! I gotta go. Give it over! Hurry up!”

The clerk opened the metal box, interrupting the humming heat. He reached for the sandwich first and placed it on the counter.

“Would you like a bag for these?”

“Yeah, sure, just hurry up, I’m late for work.”

“Easy lady, I’m working on it.”

He reached for the breadstick and removed it from the microwave.

“Ow! Shit! Fuck! That’s hot!”

He dropped it on the counter and the paper towel unraveled. Tumbling out was a steaming penis with heat blisters. It rolled back towards the clerk and fell to the floor behind the counter. A trickle of urine dribbled out on the tiles.

“Oh my GOD! What the hell-?”

“Gimme my dick back. Now, asshole, or I’ll tear your eyes from your head.”

“Step back, you crazy bitch. I’m calling the cops. I don’t know why you cut off somebody’s dick, and I don’t know why you’re microwaving the fucking thing at a 7-11, but you’re going to jail. So fucking gross. I can’t believe this shit!”

According to police reports, the cock in question was a prosthetic device used to deliver OPP (other people’s piss) into the cup during a drug test. Apparently, they also measure urine temperature to make sure it isn’t cold. For obvious reasons. This little scene is sadly based on reality. Hello, Philadelphia, I'm looking at you. Your reputation as a cultural mecca just skyrocketed.

I'm Not Kidding, Read This And Then This.
12:40 PM - Bottle Rocket Fire Alarm


February 28, 2006 1:01 PM, Blogger Mishka said...

Only you could find an article like this...thanks for opening my eyes. I didn't even know they made these things.

February 28, 2006 1:34 PM, Blogger r-e-n spells ren but i'm raw said...




February 28, 2006 3:09 PM, Blogger karen gsteiger said...

I think you should make a habit of dramatizing fucked-up newstories...God, that was fabulous! I wonder if she was just planning to whip out her fake dick during the test? "Oh, they'll never catch on..."

February 28, 2006 5:55 PM, Blogger hijacked frequencies said...


NOW i've heard it all.

February 28, 2006 6:54 PM, Blogger Lostinspace said...

wow. you really have got to be shitting me. ha.

February 28, 2006 9:09 PM, Blogger Wino McHackenpuke said...

Nice. This one actually reads like it should have been posted on The Handsomes.

Brief and to the point; suitably disgusting.

Yeah, definitely.

March 02, 2006 9:17 AM, Blogger P/O said...

wow. thanks for making my morning. no, my week. no, my... well anyway.


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