Situation Normal. Atmosphere Breathable. Brainstem Injected. Dialogue Engaged.
stg-roadrunner-gfx
Monday, June 06, 2005

Lackluster Sanitation Science


One of many handcut glass decorations adorning the main room at Joyblue. Not bad, if you like this sort of thing.





Ten dollars buys you a bottomless glass for two hours at Joyblue on Friday night, 8pm to 10pm. A few likeminded saucehounds and I wandered over to indulge ourselves.

What kind of name is Joyblue? Pretentious. Prissy. Dull. Edgeless. This was all fine with me. I wanted affordable alcohol and the promise of an early night. If I had my way we'd have stayed inside and sung bad karaoke again. Sadly, that notion was vetoed. Oh well. If I could last through a few hours of public wallet rape, my compatriots would eventually tire and then we'd go home and play darts.

I entered. Pedestrian house music limped lazily from stacks of blown speakers. The uninspired DJ bobbed his head without enthusiam, a fishing lure cut adrift from its line. Three television sets were tuned to a sports news channel. The scrolling scoreboard ran across the screen's bottom like a poor man's stock ticker. Soft blue light backlit liquor bottles and spiky haircuts. Young people sat subdued, waiting for later and louder hours.

I loitered. I leaned. I imparted pearls of wit to my unimpressed brethren. We played conversation tennis, banter racket, bearable with gin. Finally my bladder alarm rang and I went to urinate with glorious abandon. The bathroom was a clautrophobic little closet with two urinals, a sink, no dividers, and no toilet. Strange. Relieved, I exited. I gave my amigos the sitrep. Noah appeared concerned.

"Hey Noah, you okay?"

"Dude, why would they have two pissers and no can? What if people gotta shit?"

"You holding one in or just feeling righteous in general?"

"A little of both. There's a lot of bullshit things pissing me off today. Needing diapers at a hipster bar is not one I expected to deal with."

"Are you gonna do it?"

"Do what?"

"Shit in the sink. Or even the urinal. Hold it until the last possible moment, build up some pressure, then WHOOSH! KERSPLAT! Use that serious torque to blast that white porcelain brown. I'll grab you some cocktail napkins to bring in there. You'll need 'em to mop the sop off your aching bung."

"You're fucking sick, Steve."

As the ten o'clock hour approached I grew restless. I watched the television, following the scores of the Cubs and White Sox games. The fuzzy picture on the screen next to a speaker stack jumped with the bass thumps. Lines of static squiggled with each 4/4 drop. Time to migrate. I corralled my friends. All of them were located easily except Noah. Had he left to go find someplace with respectable facilities?

We stood outside. Partygoers passed through the threshhold wielding Red Bulls and Marlboro Lights and golf visors. Still no Noah. He did not respond to multiple phone calls.

We were about to abandon hope when Noah game scampering out, breathing heavily, glancing behind him.

"Let's go. Now. Come on guys! Stop fucking around and let's fuck off! Time to jet!

"What's your rush?"

"Remember that Stilton I ate for lunch?"

"Stilton?"

"Yeah, at Goose Island. The holy mother of all stinkburgers."

"You did it, didn't you?"

"Yep. There was no lock so I had to bar the door with my leg while I percolated some thick mudbubbles from my colon. I filled the sink halfway."

"....."

"Man, that was the biggest rush I ever got from pooing. I gotta try this in more places. Man, was I sweating! You shoulda seen me. I was breathing hard and pushing too. I felt like a pregnant chick giving labor. Sort of. Except from my ass. I almost puked, too. It smelled so fucking bad, you have no idea dude."

"Noah, you're a hero among men. I'd shake your hand, or high-five you, but frankly, I don't want to touch you. I'll buy you a round next time in honor of your glorious defecation. I want to be just like you when I grow up."


The Goose Island Brew Pub's Legendary Stilton Burger is a half pound of black pepper crusted burger, grilled and topped with roasted garlic cloves, Stilton cheese and Düsseldorf mustard on a pumpernickel roll. They use a lot of garlic. A lot. The burger pictured above is NOT a Stilton burger. There's no picures of one online, sadly.
1:45 PM - Bottle Rocket Fire Alarm

6 Comments:

June 06, 2005 2:18 PM, Anonymous sarcastrix said...

It never occurred to him to use the women's bathroom?

 
June 06, 2005 2:35 PM, Blogger Windjammer said...

Oh man, that's classic! Do you suppose they'd have to remodel now? If that don't get the point across, nothing will!

 
June 06, 2005 2:53 PM, Blogger Bottle Rocket Fire Alarm said...

There was a line for the women's. His pants were in peril.

 
June 06, 2005 8:08 PM, Blogger Kerouaced said...

That is nasty. I would hate to be the poor bastard that had to clean that sink out. He would need a biohazard suit...
Kerouaced

 
June 07, 2005 8:27 AM, Blogger Wardo said...

No toilet - in a bar? Of all the stupid places not to provide that vital accessory. Of any place to expect to find shit in the sink ANYWAY, a bar would be the place.

They deserve this punishment for their incredible lack of foresight.

-A

 
June 07, 2005 10:55 AM, Blogger P/O said...

holy crap!
(sorry, had to.)

 

Post a Comment

left-arrow Home

stg-shark
I Eat With a Blender And A Funnel
Familus Horribilus
Robots Of Trichobezoar
Squirrels With Attitudes
Chorizo Abortion Spackle
My Worst Summer
Calcium Deposits
One Nun's Frustration
Euthanasia, Cremation, Scattering
Palsy Parade
August 2002
September 2002
October 2002
November 2002
December 2002
January 2003
February 2003
March 2003
April 2003
May 2003
September 2003
October 2003
November 2003
December 2003
January 2004
February 2004
August 2004
December 2004
January 2005
February 2005
March 2005
April 2005
May 2005
June 2005
July 2005
August 2005
September 2005
October 2005
November 2005
December 2005
January 2006
February 2006
March 2006
April 2006
May 2006
June 2006
July 2006
August 2006
September 2006
October 2006
November 2006
December 2006
January 2007
February 2007
April 2007
May 2007
June 2007
July 2007
August 2007
September 2007
February 2008
May 2008
August 2008
March 2009
April 2009
May 2009
December 2009
February 2010
March 2010
April 2010
May 2010
August 2010
August 2011
September 2011
February 2012
June 2012
July 2012
August 2012
October 2012
November 2012
May 2013
August 2013
September 2013
December 2013
May 2014
October 2014
November 2014
December 2016