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Friday, May 20, 2005

Palsy Parade

As I was driven to work this morning I had the luxury of watching the bleak airport scenery instead of the road ahead. As my roommate and I sped along Irving Park Road past O'Hare International, I spied a police SUV pulled off into the dirt, facing towards a small patch of forest.

The forest is a modest shallow ring of trees circling a series of dirt mounds. Dump trucks haul this dirt to various ignored Chicagoland locations like railyards, landfills, campgrounds, and construction zones, where they spill it in haphazard cascades of crumbled earth.

The vehicle was running and the door was open. On the side it was marked "Special Police." I'm used to seeing plenty of Jeeps and SUVs marked "U.S. Customs" around here. They parade around with dogs that sniff Mexican crotches for heroin. The officers molest the immigrants' asses for green cards and pesos and think it's funny to ask for lawnmower licenses.

The Special Police must be something else. What is special, exactly? As a small child, I thought I was special. Mommy said so. As I got older I learned that special means retarded, crippled, diseased, or extremely dumb. I was glad not to be special. Glad to be a commonplace average boring normal person. Anything but SPESHUL.

Apparently now we train and hire police for the express civic responsibility of tracking down wayward retards. Do we have a problem with strays? I wouldn't be surprised to learn that drooling idiots are sneaking into the Korea Air building in hopes of getting shipped to the north pole to play with Santy Claus. Perhaps some of them have weaker imaginations and just want to joyride on the luggage conveyors. The social tards just want to pogo around the terminals flapping their limp wrists all about while the poop seeps through their ill-fitting pants.

They're everywhere, not just in McDonald's commercials. We have a tard invasion on our hands. Anarchy has broken out and these slackeyed meltyfaced infantile flappy skinned gurgling retards are fleeing short yellow busses everywhere, refusing the tyranny of patronizing special ed teachers in favor of mindless capering throughout our transportation hubs.

This morning I witnessed one such episode, though only from the periphery. On the other side of the forest patch, beyond my vision, a howling laughing moron boy was scampering away in untied shoes. He thought the cop was circle racing with him.

I think the cops will get frusrated eventually, and they will start pounding dents into the soft retard skulls with their steel flashlights. They'll have to change the paint on their SUVs to read "Evolution Police."
10:21 AM - Bottle Rocket Fire Alarm


May 20, 2005 10:21 AM, Blogger Kerouaced said...

You are too cruel...and funny as hell...

May 20, 2005 1:50 PM, Blogger EcamirG said...


May 20, 2005 2:03 PM, Blogger Stace said...

You crack me up. . . .Nothing else. . .you crack me up

May 20, 2005 5:14 PM, Blogger Bottle Rocket Fire Alarm said...

Corky behind the counter in a McDonald's uniform in the classic late 80's commercial, wrist curled against his chest:

"Hah meh ah hep yoo?"

May 20, 2005 6:39 PM, Blogger Chris said...

My house is situated on the side of a hill overlooking the local high school football stadium. Just as we were becoming bored with the usual football and soccer games, along came the Special Olympics. And let me tell you, it was definitely a special moment at our house that magical Saturday morning. We had a great time on the back deck, cooking burgers, drinking beer, and cheering on our favorite almond-eyed kids in the 500 meter walk. We were all winners that day.

May 20, 2005 6:56 PM, Blogger OldHorsetailSnake said...

Ever since "Rodney Does L.A.," beating with steel flashlights has been banned. Titanium is now the beater of choice.

May 21, 2005 12:16 PM, Blogger Dave Morris said...

You. Will. Go. To. Hell.

(if there is a hell)

I feel like just my commenting will send me to an extra-long visit to purgatory.

Shoot, who am I kidding. There's no purgatory either. Let the pointing and snickering continue!

May 21, 2005 2:34 PM, Blogger You've Got What I Need... said...

Are you saying that there isn't a Santy Clause?

May 21, 2005 3:12 PM, Blogger Latigo Flint said...

There exists an incredible capacity for cruelty in this wretched town.

May 22, 2005 8:47 AM, Blogger Mister Jinxy said...

That post is so wrong in so many ways, but the picture of the equestrian 'tard made me laugh.

May 22, 2005 5:48 PM, Blogger ty bluesmith said...

everything stace and ker said

May 22, 2005 6:53 PM, Blogger You Can't Afford Me said...

i was walking with my daughter home from school the other day and in reference to the smaller school bus that passed us, she asked "mommy, why is that school bus so short?"

i didn't know what to say.

May 23, 2005 10:19 AM, Blogger Wino McHackenpuke said...

Sandra: "Well sugar pie, that's the retard bus, and because they don't have souls like you and the other normal children, their bus doesn't need to be as big!"

Kid: "Oh! I understand now, Mommy!"

May 23, 2005 5:45 PM, Blogger You Can't Afford Me said...

oh, that's horrible. i don't think i could say that to her.

though you did make me laugh with that answer.

May 31, 2005 1:22 AM, Blogger alice said...

ill no doubt get put to the slaughter for this comment but youre a big meany!!.

i refuse to support this shameless display of slander... umm, whoops, guess i just did.


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