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Friday, May 06, 2005

Branding, Tipping, Laughing

I checked the mail when I arrived home yesterday, and to my great surprise, I received a postcard from a childhood friend. I hadn't heard from Chuck since he quit high school to join the Marines nine years ago. Somehow he tracked me down, and he sent me this:



On the back he wrote:

Steve,

I just bought a cattle ranch a few miles outside Tlaxcala! I'm gonna start a new gamblin man's sport, cow racing! Come on down for a steak and a race! The senoritas is reeeeal friendly round here, ya know what I mean? Ha ha!

Hope to see you soon,

Chuck 'The Tiller' Stakefalter


Southern Mexico. Oh my. I'm afraid to go visit. I've heard about the crooked cops and banditos. I've heard about drinking the water and getting dysentery. Bloody mucus ridden diarrhea? No thank you. Tourists can go to resort cities, which is great, but this invitation is different. Do I really want to venture into the lonely dusty desert to some far flung cruddy ranch full of starving cattle and swarming flies?

Maybe I was underestimating Chuck. He must be a hell of a successful cowhand to have mustered the capital to start a new sport. Still, I had trouble imagining cow racing. What could it be? Some ugly notions crossed my mind. I feel compelled to share them.

What if this was a jockey sport like horse racing? Would Chuck pay some local village idiots in pajamas to follow the pooping cows with electric prods? Would these short hungry little natives stumble behind the moaning beasts, cursing, praying, and frying their few remaining brain cells under the punishing equatorial sun? I can imagine the desperate jockeys slipping and skidding on gleaming loafs of grassfed manure.

Even the most dedicated gambler would not have the stomach for such a pathetic spectacle. Maybe a more sadistic sport was more Chuck's style. He was a marine once upon a time, after all.

Maybe he was having slaughtering races for violent people. I've written about the slaughterhouse before. Some of these fuckers might just get a kick out of a relay race. The first "lap" would be spiking the skulls, the second would be hatcheting the heads right off, the third would be hanging the corpse, the fourth would be draining the blood, the fifth would be skinning the beef, and who knows what they could come up with for the rest. They could have teams with sponsors and logos and television rights and everything. It would be popular in third world countries and jail rec rooms. The A1 Sauce company would sponsor that in a heartbeat.



Click on the above photo to see a real slaughter. I decided to go with the safer, friendlier picture you see above for those of you that are A) unwilling to view the process that feeds you B) vegetarians or vegans C) weak. Go ahead, there's even a kid in the linked picture watching daddy eviscerate the animal, and she isn't flinching.

What else could he mean by cow racing? If I was forced to come up with something, I'd put cows on rollerskates and push them down hills. I'd record the terrified "Mooooo!" sounds and make a Christmas music tape out of them. The dog and cat ones sell very well to old ladies who knit their own sweaters, so why not a tape of dying cattle singing "Deck The Halls?"

Sick. Very very sick. I halted my train of thought. Bad momentum. Bad. I decided to write back to tell him to open a restaurant instead. Everyone loves a good juicy steak.
11:15 AM - Bottle Rocket Fire Alarm

20 Comments:

May 06, 2005 11:15 AM, Blogger ty bluesmith said...

i have no friends. i'm pretending that card was sent to me just so i don't feel so bad.

 
May 06, 2005 12:40 PM, Blogger Kerouaced said...

That was entertaining. Is this guy for real? It takes a special man to race cows. Maybe you eat the losers...

 
May 06, 2005 12:48 PM, Blogger Bottle Rocket Fire Alarm said...

Fuck no, he's fiction. I conjured that waterhead out of thin air.

 
May 06, 2005 1:16 PM, Blogger Kerouaced said...

That makes it even better! The invite was the magic touch that made it seem plausible...

 
May 06, 2005 1:45 PM, Blogger HarleyWriter said...

Greetings from another Cow-Town!

 
May 06, 2005 1:52 PM, Anonymous Bobby said...

Nah, man. They teach cows how to drive and it’s like NASCAR.

 
May 06, 2005 2:18 PM, Blogger OldHorsetailSnake said...

Dear Rocket: Thank you for sharing your ugly notions. These are among the ugliest notators you have ever notioned.

(P.S. Do the cow jockeys have to be little guys? I'm looking for work.)

 
May 06, 2005 2:53 PM, Blogger Chris said...

In Arkansas, we get the cows to move faster by grabbing their tails and cranking them up and down like a car jack. You get shit on when you do it, but my dad says that's just the smell of hard work.

 
May 06, 2005 3:42 PM, Blogger Lostinspace said...

i'm going to send the slaughtering photo to every fucking vegetarian that i ever dated. ha. yes, it's true. everyone does LOVE a juicy steak. :)

 
May 06, 2005 5:29 PM, Blogger Stace said...

You are a nut!!! AND that picture was horrible. Now I want a hamburger. :)

 
May 06, 2005 6:42 PM, Blogger Isabella said...

but still, thats kind of awesome that he wrote to you and remembered you and is doing something so outrageous -- although who knows if he is serious. Regardless, you should go.

 
May 06, 2005 7:10 PM, Blogger You've Got What I Need... said...

Why is he 'The Tiller'? That's what I want to know.

Also, if Mariah Carey can sell at Christmas time anyone can... especially dying cows. There's less than 7 degrees of separation between the two anyway.

 
May 06, 2005 7:58 PM, Blogger Wino McHackenpuke said...

I love flesh. That gory picture was arousing.

I'm going to go fry up some hamburger.

 
May 07, 2005 1:46 PM, Blogger Saucy Monk said...

enuff said. Now lets go get us a blue-rare steak and look at more of those photos.

 
May 07, 2005 3:58 PM, Blogger clothosfate said...

If you can't stand to see it slaughtered, I say don't eat it. I personally would prefer to eat meat that I raised and assisted in the slaughter of. Its kinda hard to do living in the city, I think my neibors might call the cops on me if the caught wind of bloody, dying animals in my backyard. Hmmmmm... this opens way for a new story I think...

 
May 07, 2005 9:12 PM, Blogger karen gsteiger said...

As John Cleese once said, "If God hadn't meant for us to eat animals, He wouldn't have made them out of meat..."

 
May 07, 2005 9:13 PM, Blogger SJH said...

This post inspired me to go out and buy a steak and eat it rare.

 
May 07, 2005 10:04 PM, Blogger Wino McHackenpuke said...

It inspired me to buy a steak and eat it raw.

I love that John Cleese quote!

 
May 08, 2005 10:04 PM, Blogger random-girl said...

i like your writing style.

i've been to a slaugther house once. it was for work (i was doing dairy farm research) and my colleague that came with me was a vegetarian/feminist/free-thinker/health-freak/follower-of-anything-in-fad.

we had warned her it won't be pretty but she insisted on doing the work. needless to say, she cried and we ended up having to take care of her. and then listen to her lecture us on why McDonalds should go to hell.

really, i wanted to choke her.

 
May 09, 2005 12:15 PM, Blogger Bottle Rocket Fire Alarm said...

Thank you all.

Hoss, you're hired. Good luck and try to stay well hydrated.

Pony, Maybe I'll tell you why he's called the Tiller sometime in the future. As I recall it has something to do with mud and sex.

 

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