Situation Normal. Atmosphere Breathable. Brainstem Injected. Dialogue Engaged.
Monday, April 25, 2005

Metabolic Amnesty

I came home Saturday morning just before the sun struck my window, forcing me to let the blinds down. I brought a few people with me. We'd seen a cover band at 50 North. I was drunk and swaying and extremely grateful to be a passenger. I can only remember vague phantoms of exaggerated facial expressions, but it's safe to assume I had decent fun.

The bar had become a surreal stumble into my past. I saw several people from Zippy's, a fast food restaurant where I used to sling pizzas. For a brief moment I felt like I'd erased ten years and gone back to the days of mescaline and malt liquor. I drowned the feeling with dollar beers. I was already sauced before I got picked up, so I was soon beyond hope. I didn't fall, puke, shout, or fight, so I figure I did okay, even if my best accomplishment was standing upright. Some days low expectations are just fine.

When we got back to my place I distributed cold cans of beer to all present. I kept trying to find something nice to play on my stereo, but everytime I played a request I felt boiling tar scald the skin from my inner ear, and everytime I picked a song I got rolling eyes and sighing disdain. As the drunk got drunker nobody noticed anymore. We all slurped bowls of the hockeyneck soup I'd composed in the kitchen on Friday afternoon. I didn't like it very much.

I tracked mud through the kitchen. The next day I found my shoes encrusted, so I know I was the guilty foot. I figure I must've walked through the sodden lawn when I got dispatched on an emergency tampon run.

I went to the gas station and eyed the Tampax with concern. Would a certain variety be deemed an insult? I don't want the heavy flow tampons, right? That would be akin to accusing her of being a menstrual geyser. Let's see here, satin teen? Nope, definitely not. She might need the whole box at once if those are pencil sized. Aha! Original! I bought those. I was implying nothing with Original. No complaints were issued. The gauntlet of possible unintentional inferences was braved without reprimand.

The morning passed and I slept. I drifted in and out of sleep as the afternoon wore on, unsure whether I'd rather be awake or sleeping.

Two days later I feel the same way.
7:45 AM - Bottle Rocket Fire Alarm


April 25, 2005 8:02 AM, Blogger ty bluesmith said...

i'm here first oh lackluster comment leavers.

steve you are the man.

April 25, 2005 9:34 AM, Blogger Dave Morris said...

Menstrual geyser evokes a visual I'm not sure I'll ever be able to erase.

Original tampons are always the way to go. I have no idea why they need a variety that rivals Baskin Robbins. It only serves to confuse the male go-fers.

April 25, 2005 9:40 AM, Blogger Saucy Monk said...

Mr. Fire Alarm, I must thank ye for ye have finally solved my year-long dilemma of finding the right name for my children's book. Little did I have to struggle to realize Menstrual Geyser perfectly describes the tome I've been writing to help young girls deal with their coming-of-age. Perfect. You will be named in my dedication, ofcourse.

April 25, 2005 10:19 AM, Blogger Stace said...

Holy cow you were man enough to do the tampon run, ROCK ON!!!

As for the 2 days later, feeling the same way. . . . I HATE IT WHEN THAT HAPPENS.

April 25, 2005 1:34 PM, Blogger Other Brother said...

You must be setting this girl up for future sex by showing you care. Unless you swam the red river. Otherwise, why would you subject yourself to the embarassment?

April 25, 2005 1:45 PM, Blogger Kerouaced said...

"Some days low expectations are just fine." Yes, yes they are.

April 25, 2005 3:05 PM, Blogger clothosfate said...

drunken tampon run. not a first for women, but I think you may rank in the few guys who have had the experience, and bravo on a job well done without any scars to rememebr it by... except maybe the 'menstrual geyser'... yep that may leave a scar.

yes, you are the man... steve ;)

April 25, 2005 3:12 PM, Blogger Belldoorlover said...

Dude, I don't think I could convince any of my guy friends look at a clean tampon still in the wrapper let alone purchase a box of them. I'm impressed

April 25, 2005 3:12 PM, Blogger Belldoorlover said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

April 25, 2005 5:24 PM, Anonymous Old Horsetail Snake said...

Heavy flow is better than original for cleaning shoes, though.

April 25, 2005 9:22 PM, Blogger Cindy-Lou said...

I can't imagine that she sent you without instructions. Risky behavior.

April 26, 2005 9:12 AM, Blogger Bottle Rocket Fire Alarm said...

John, Thankee.

Dave, at least I didn't evoke a menstrual volcano.

Sir Monk, You are most welcome. I expect a complimentary copy. Thank you.

Staci, I'm a modern fella.

Darrel, embarrassment? Of what do you speak? Am I supposed to blush in a checkout line because evolution created the ovulation cycle? I think not.

Steve, yep. Some days should be easy.

Clothosfate, I doubt that. Next up: maxi pads.

Caroline, Thank you. Your guy friends are dorks.

Hoss, I use CLR. It's two for one on TV.

Cindy Lou, everything is a test. That's what they say.


Post a Comment

left-arrow Home

Napalm Suntan
Nosehair Curling Science
Brain Diaper
Monopoly At Dawn
Gone Walkabout
Antler Sunday
A Brief History
Mean Spirited Urine
Playing Nice
Static Thesaurus Science
August 2002
September 2002
October 2002
November 2002
December 2002
January 2003
February 2003
March 2003
April 2003
May 2003
September 2003
October 2003
November 2003
December 2003
January 2004
February 2004
August 2004
December 2004
January 2005
February 2005
March 2005
April 2005
May 2005
June 2005
July 2005
August 2005
September 2005
October 2005
November 2005
December 2005
January 2006
February 2006
March 2006
April 2006
May 2006
June 2006
July 2006
August 2006
September 2006
October 2006
November 2006
December 2006
January 2007
February 2007
April 2007
May 2007
June 2007
July 2007
August 2007
September 2007
February 2008
May 2008
August 2008
March 2009
April 2009
May 2009
December 2009
February 2010
March 2010
April 2010
May 2010
August 2010
August 2011
September 2011
February 2012
June 2012
July 2012
August 2012
October 2012
November 2012
May 2013
August 2013
September 2013
December 2013
May 2014
October 2014
November 2014
December 2016