Tinfoil Viking Science: Metabolic Amnesty

Situation Normal. Atmosphere Breathable. Brainstem Injected. Dialogue Engaged.

Monday, April 25, 2005

Metabolic Amnesty

I came home Saturday morning just before the sun struck my window, forcing me to let the blinds down. I brought a few people with me. We'd seen a cover band at 50 North. I was drunk and swaying and extremely grateful to be a passenger. I can only remember vague phantoms of exaggerated facial expressions, but it's safe to assume I had decent fun.

The bar had become a surreal stumble into my past. I saw several people from Zippy's, a fast food restaurant where I used to sling pizzas. For a brief moment I felt like I'd erased ten years and gone back to the days of mescaline and malt liquor. I drowned the feeling with dollar beers. I was already sauced before I got picked up, so I was soon beyond hope. I didn't fall, puke, shout, or fight, so I figure I did okay, even if my best accomplishment was standing upright. Some days low expectations are just fine.

When we got back to my place I distributed cold cans of beer to all present. I kept trying to find something nice to play on my stereo, but everytime I played a request I felt boiling tar scald the skin from my inner ear, and everytime I picked a song I got rolling eyes and sighing disdain. As the drunk got drunker nobody noticed anymore. We all slurped bowls of the hockeyneck soup I'd composed in the kitchen on Friday afternoon. I didn't like it very much.

I tracked mud through the kitchen. The next day I found my shoes encrusted, so I know I was the guilty foot. I figure I must've walked through the sodden lawn when I got dispatched on an emergency tampon run.

I went to the gas station and eyed the Tampax with concern. Would a certain variety be deemed an insult? I don't want the heavy flow tampons, right? That would be akin to accusing her of being a menstrual geyser. Let's see here, satin teen? Nope, definitely not. She might need the whole box at once if those are pencil sized. Aha! Original! I bought those. I was implying nothing with Original. No complaints were issued. The gauntlet of possible unintentional inferences was braved without reprimand.

The morning passed and I slept. I drifted in and out of sleep as the afternoon wore on, unsure whether I'd rather be awake or sleeping.

Two days later I feel the same way.

7:45 AM - Bottle Rocket Fire Alarm

11 Comments:

April 25, 2005 9:34 AM, Dave Morris said...: Menstrual geyser evokes a visual I'm not sure I'll ever be able to erase.

Original tampons are always the way to go. I have no idea why they need a variety that rivals Baskin Robbins. It only serves to confuse the male go-fers.
April 25, 2005 9:40 AM, Saucy Monk said...: Mr. Fire Alarm, I must thank ye for ye have finally solved my year-long dilemma of finding the right name for my children's book. Little did I have to struggle to realize Menstrual Geyser perfectly describes the tome I've been writing to help young girls deal with their coming-of-age. Perfect. You will be named in my dedication, ofcourse.
April 25, 2005 10:19 AM, Stace said...: Holy cow you were man enough to do the tampon run, ROCK ON!!!

As for the 2 days later, feeling the same way. . . . I HATE IT WHEN THAT HAPPENS.
April 25, 2005 1:34 PM, Other Brother said...: You must be setting this girl up for future sex by showing you care. Unless you swam the red river. Otherwise, why would you subject yourself to the embarassment?
April 25, 2005 1:45 PM, Kerouaced said...: "Some days low expectations are just fine." Yes, yes they are.
April 25, 2005 3:05 PM, clothosfate said...: drunken tampon run. not a first for women, but I think you may rank in the few guys who have had the experience, and bravo on a job well done without any scars to rememebr it by... except maybe the 'menstrual geyser'... yep that may leave a scar.

yes, you are the man... steve ;)
April 25, 2005 3:12 PM, Caroline said...: Dude, I don't think I could convince any of my guy friends look at a clean tampon still in the wrapper let alone purchase a box of them. I'm impressed
April 25, 2005 3:12 PM, Caroline said...: This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
April 25, 2005 5:24 PM, Anonymous said...: Heavy flow is better than original for cleaning shoes, though.
April 25, 2005 9:22 PM, Cindy-Lou said...: I can't imagine that she sent you without instructions. Risky behavior.
April 26, 2005 9:12 AM, Bottle Rocket Fire Alarm said...: John, Thankee.

Dave, at least I didn't evoke a menstrual volcano.

Sir Monk, You are most welcome. I expect a complimentary copy. Thank you.

Staci, I'm a modern fella.

Darrel, embarrassment? Of what do you speak? Am I supposed to blush in a checkout line because evolution created the ovulation cycle? I think not.

Steve, yep. Some days should be easy.

Clothosfate, I doubt that. Next up: maxi pads.

Caroline, Thank you. Your guy friends are dorks.

Hoss, I use CLR. It's two for one on TV.

Cindy Lou, everything is a test. That's what they say.