Situation Normal. Atmosphere Breathable. Brainstem Injected. Dialogue Engaged.
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Thursday, April 14, 2005

Static Thesaurus Science

I'm sitting underneath a blinking florescent light. It's trying to communicate a secret message to me in morse corde, but my eyes cannot discern its rapid flicker nuance. Nor can I write at hummingbird speed.

I could try to modulate my brain synapses into algebraic twinkle receptors and sublimate the information. As I absorb the alabaster light it would percolate in my subconscious, eventually floating to the surface of my mind like fart bubbles in the bathtub.

But I won't. That might cause permanent damage, and I'd become a peculiar rarity: a self-induced autistic. My whole body would become different modes of blink. Eyelids shuttering, tongue wagging, legs kicking, arms flexing. All while doing situps. Forever. I'd be a human cuckoo clock perpetually stuck at the top of the hour. I'd certainly die of malnutrition if I wasn't sedated and clamped to a plank.

Oh. It stopped. Back to solid glow. Now I'll never have a chance to figure it out. Were the bulbs asking for a new ballast? Perhaps the electricity was imbalanced and the tubes are in danger of sufferring a drastically reduced lifespan. I'm sort of glad it's over. It would be a shame if the message was so mundane.

I would've spend so much time deciphering the message with my magical cereal box decoder ring / brain. I would've proved the awareness and intelligence of inanimate objects. A breakthrough. Yet none of it worthwhile because of the pedestrian banality the light chose for its first foray into human communication. I'd be the laughing stock of the whitejacket community.

Nah. I'll just keep looking for aliens instead.
10:36 AM - Bottle Rocket Fire Alarm

8 Comments:

April 14, 2005 12:47 PM, Blogger Mokuyobi said...

dude, get a yo-yo or something.

 
April 14, 2005 2:22 PM, Blogger Kerouaced said...

"I'd certainly die of malnutrition if I wasn't sedated and clamped to a plank." That had me grinning so hard I thought my lips would split.

I quickly checked Dusty's blog. If she is horny perhaps she could have sex with her yo-yo.

 
April 14, 2005 3:59 PM, Anonymous OldHorsetailSnake said...

Rocket: That WAS the aliens, sending SOS thru the tubes. What a dimwad. You blew your last chance for a tour of Deneb.

 
April 14, 2005 4:04 PM, Blogger Bottle Rocket Fire Alarm said...

Damn. Double damn.

 
April 14, 2005 4:44 PM, Blogger Mokuyobi said...

have sex with a yo-yo? how is that even possible? Come on, you can do better than that. Also, nice to know you actually read the blog and not just, oh, let's say the first line. ;)

 
April 14, 2005 6:32 PM, Blogger clothosfate said...

Some people have a problem with only reading the first line of things... sadly they are aplenty and come in all shapes and sizes. ;p
I think the aliens have already found you man... and yet, I have this weird experience where street lights tend to turn off when I walk beneath them.

oooOOOooo

 
April 14, 2005 10:06 PM, Blogger Kerouaced said...

Dusty, that was just a flippant comment nothing dastardly behind it. I did read your entry but quickly because I was at work...

 
April 18, 2005 7:41 PM, Blogger Matteus Von Mustard said...

i wish you luck on your further efforts to prove the intelligence of random household objects. i think this would be of great value to human kind.

 

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