Situation Normal. Atmosphere Breathable. Brainstem Injected. Dialogue Engaged.
Thursday, April 14, 2005

Static Thesaurus Science

I'm sitting underneath a blinking florescent light. It's trying to communicate a secret message to me in morse corde, but my eyes cannot discern its rapid flicker nuance. Nor can I write at hummingbird speed.

I could try to modulate my brain synapses into algebraic twinkle receptors and sublimate the information. As I absorb the alabaster light it would percolate in my subconscious, eventually floating to the surface of my mind like fart bubbles in the bathtub.

But I won't. That might cause permanent damage, and I'd become a peculiar rarity: a self-induced autistic. My whole body would become different modes of blink. Eyelids shuttering, tongue wagging, legs kicking, arms flexing. All while doing situps. Forever. I'd be a human cuckoo clock perpetually stuck at the top of the hour. I'd certainly die of malnutrition if I wasn't sedated and clamped to a plank.

Oh. It stopped. Back to solid glow. Now I'll never have a chance to figure it out. Were the bulbs asking for a new ballast? Perhaps the electricity was imbalanced and the tubes are in danger of sufferring a drastically reduced lifespan. I'm sort of glad it's over. It would be a shame if the message was so mundane.

I would've spend so much time deciphering the message with my magical cereal box decoder ring / brain. I would've proved the awareness and intelligence of inanimate objects. A breakthrough. Yet none of it worthwhile because of the pedestrian banality the light chose for its first foray into human communication. I'd be the laughing stock of the whitejacket community.

Nah. I'll just keep looking for aliens instead.
10:36 AM - Bottle Rocket Fire Alarm


April 14, 2005 12:47 PM, Blogger Mokuyobi said...

dude, get a yo-yo or something.

April 14, 2005 2:22 PM, Blogger Kerouaced said...

"I'd certainly die of malnutrition if I wasn't sedated and clamped to a plank." That had me grinning so hard I thought my lips would split.

I quickly checked Dusty's blog. If she is horny perhaps she could have sex with her yo-yo.

April 14, 2005 3:59 PM, Anonymous OldHorsetailSnake said...

Rocket: That WAS the aliens, sending SOS thru the tubes. What a dimwad. You blew your last chance for a tour of Deneb.

April 14, 2005 4:04 PM, Blogger Bottle Rocket Fire Alarm said...

Damn. Double damn.

April 14, 2005 4:44 PM, Blogger Mokuyobi said...

have sex with a yo-yo? how is that even possible? Come on, you can do better than that. Also, nice to know you actually read the blog and not just, oh, let's say the first line. ;)

April 14, 2005 6:32 PM, Blogger clothosfate said...

Some people have a problem with only reading the first line of things... sadly they are aplenty and come in all shapes and sizes. ;p
I think the aliens have already found you man... and yet, I have this weird experience where street lights tend to turn off when I walk beneath them.


April 14, 2005 10:06 PM, Blogger Kerouaced said...

Dusty, that was just a flippant comment nothing dastardly behind it. I did read your entry but quickly because I was at work...

April 18, 2005 7:41 PM, Blogger Matteus Von Mustard said...

i wish you luck on your further efforts to prove the intelligence of random household objects. i think this would be of great value to human kind.


Post a Comment

left-arrow Home

Steel Wool Underwear
Lobotomy Lottery
The Eulogy Continues
Grumpy Old Saucebrains
Buzzsaw Killjoy Mudslurping Pigfucker
Public Service Announcement
Class of '84
Magic Soup
Just A Bit Outside
August 2002
September 2002
October 2002
November 2002
December 2002
January 2003
February 2003
March 2003
April 2003
May 2003
September 2003
October 2003
November 2003
December 2003
January 2004
February 2004
August 2004
December 2004
January 2005
February 2005
March 2005
April 2005
May 2005
June 2005
July 2005
August 2005
September 2005
October 2005
November 2005
December 2005
January 2006
February 2006
March 2006
April 2006
May 2006
June 2006
July 2006
August 2006
September 2006
October 2006
November 2006
December 2006
January 2007
February 2007
April 2007
May 2007
June 2007
July 2007
August 2007
September 2007
February 2008
May 2008
August 2008
March 2009
April 2009
May 2009
December 2009
February 2010
March 2010
April 2010
May 2010
August 2010
August 2011
September 2011
February 2012
June 2012
July 2012
August 2012
October 2012
November 2012
May 2013
August 2013
September 2013
December 2013
May 2014
October 2014
November 2014
December 2016