Situation Normal. Atmosphere Breathable. Brainstem Injected. Dialogue Engaged.
Tuesday, April 05, 2005

Just A Bit Outside

Pumpkin Chuckin'. Rock Droppin'. Basketball. I usually ignore it. Not my sport. Recently I've been sucked through the straw into the maw. The Illini and the Bulls are the mad fad rage hereabouts. So I've been watching.

If you watch sports you know where to find the mute button on your remote. All sports broadcasts use talking heads to cram their wisdom into the empty space: the pregame ad blasting, the timeout downtime, and the post game mopping. Yesterday I had to vent on a message board about the yammering gerbils affectionately referred to as "commentators" or "analysts."

Jay Bilas. I have no idea what exactly he said. When he began I was immediately struck with horror and fear and could not comprehend his words. All sound was the bleating of dying sheep as the terrifying display commenced.

When he talks he looks like he's chewing Russian prison food. His squirrel cheeks flex out and his quivering dimples twitch around like spastic commas. His bright white teeth are blinding and deadly as the reaper's scythe.

Go away, Jay Bilas. You picked Illinois on Mike & Mike's radio show this morning so I don't hate you completely. But still. Enough with the swirly psychopath eyeballing. It's killing my sperm and spoiling all the food in my fridge.

Dick Vitale needs to be reburied. Somebody unzip the skin and reveal the remote control metallic robot underneath. That voice feels like sandpaper scrubbing my armpits until they bleed. That shiny head is an antenna for alien transmissions from Pluto. Don't say "BABY!" one more time or I'll hunt you down and choke you with uncooked chicken gizzards you rooty tooty old whorebag.

There. I feel better now. All ready for tonight's game.

- - - - -

That was yesterday. Today I'm hungover and thankful for baseball. Basketball makes me twitchy. It isn't my natural diet and doesn't sit well in my stomach. I tend to lean forward and I clench my fists and my eyes get dry and I punch the air and I pull my hair.

Fuck that.

Baseball lets me sink into my chair and pick my nose in peace. I can sit under a blanket of peanut shells and popcorn kernels and fart stale beer towards the television when the pitcher walks a run home. I can sleep at night.

The Cubs won yesterday and they're in first place. April is good month for Cubs fans.
10:00 AM - Bottle Rocket Fire Alarm


April 05, 2005 11:14 AM, Blogger ty bluesmith said...

dude. you are so on the money. i prefer the radio call but even still, last night we were like, why don't you call him over and blow him, to the commentators every time they gave one of those [racist]

"keywan's mother died of heroine addiction and his dad was in prison for killing keywan's grandmother. he's a cabrini green success story,"


just terrible. i just want to see the game. i haven't been able to watch Sportscenter for two years at least.

April 05, 2005 1:22 PM, Blogger Anonysis said...

I stayed home hungover all day and ate a large potion of Pad Thai and watched the baseball game. I am feeling better than ever now.

April 05, 2005 1:22 PM, Blogger Kerouaced said...

Ha, that was good. I mute the set and if its not something I'm real interested in I read and look up every once in a while to see what the score is...

April 05, 2005 2:23 PM, Blogger Bottle Rocket Fire Alarm said...

John, I know wht you mean. During the Illinois - Louisville game on Saturday they were telling the story of two Louisville players who had a special connection because they both had murdered brothers. They even did the whole schlocky "one family adopts the other player as a surrogate son" tearjerk routine.

It's not as bad as the Olympics with their tumor parents and missing testicles, but it's close.

Anonysis, was that the pad thai you made last week or did you try another batch?

Steve, that's exactly what I did on Sunday night. I read the last few chapters of The Narrows by Michael Connelly while I watched the Opening Night.

April 05, 2005 2:59 PM, Blogger Anonysis said...

I caved and bought it at Chabaa, a noodle place near the house. Good stuff there too. I have not given up yet on perfecting my recipe. You will get an invitation when I do.

April 06, 2005 4:56 AM, Blogger if_i_had_a_hammer said...

i can't get into basketball either--all that running around and scoring, and i think glowering looks are a foul.

my life revolves around the baseball season. the worst thing about being trapped in the valley without espn is that i can't watch basball on a regular basis, and when i can it's the A's or giants. i got mlb gameday audio so i can listen to the mets. unfortunately, most of the games are on while i'm at work, so i have to remember not to snap at coworkers out of leas cubs fans have one good month.


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