Friday, April 01, 2005
Tinfoil Viking Science
Have you ever experienced a twitch? Sure you have. There are different kinds. Maybe a facial twitch. The outside corner of your eye spasms and you half-blink involuntarily a few times. Maybe a nerve in your wrist jumps, causing your skin to tremble like the lid of a boiling pot. Maybe you feel a twinge under your knee and your leg kicks out and punts a toy across the floor.
Then the biological glitch mysteriously vanishes. You're left wondering what microscopic gremlins are cartwheeling through your innards wreaking havoc, cackling with destructive glee. Is there a medical explanation? Do you have a newly mutated ailment that's never afflicted a human before? You rub your chin and wonder if you will get your own disease like Parkinson or Gehrig. You look around to see if anybody saw your slight jerking motions.
The paranoia has begun. You have something to hide. Maybe. It could be gone. Hopefully it is gone.
I'm here to tell you this is not your fault. It was not caused by an unhealthy diet. It was not caused by the ingestion of hallucinogenic drugs back when you were in college. It is not a reaction to the particles of scum floating through the air due to your negligence with the vacuum.
Whoa! Let go of me! Slow down your freakout. I'm not suggesting that your wife poisoned your coffee. She did not inject your bran muffin with ammonia. Nobody is actively trying to ruin you. Well, no human person at least.
You see, there is a far more insidious and terrifying force undermining your bodily self control. You are not alone. Upstanding citizens across the globe are being manipulated by a mysterious force far, far above us. I can't tell you if it's a god or an alien or radiation from another galaxy.
But I am sure it is there. Affecting us. Targeting us. Manipulating us. If action is not taken, this will get worse. We will progress from mere twitchiness to full fledged seizure or worse, automation.
I do not want to scream on the inside while some bizarre force compels me to perform hideous acts of brutality. Or comedy. Comedy might be worse. Duck quacking, chicken clucking, disco dancing. I suppose it depends on whether this invisible puppeteer is malevolent or prankish.
Something must be done. I've spent my entire life preparing for this fight. I have done calculations so complex the human genome would urinate its trousers in shame. I have performed experiments so volatile that volcanos would chill out and go dormant out of humble respect.
I have discovered many means of combating this debasing assault upon your nervous system, but only one way is cheap, efficient, and practical. Only one method does not require millions of dollars worth of sophisticated equipment. Only one way necessitates no painful clamps or hourly injections.
It is truly a marvel. This hat. Just a hat, yes! The brain is the key to your body, you see. It is the floodgate through which your vulnerability has been assaulted. Here, take this hat. Try it on. I have fashioned this one from aluminum foil. Just for you. The aluminum blocks the imperceptible rays. The viking fins redirect them, bouncing the harmful pulses of energy back out into space where they will harm no terran lifeform.
I can only save your life. I can only save your autonomy over your vessel. The rest is up to you. Is is your duty to explain this to others. Spread the message. Make them understand that your hat is not a scarlet letter of insanity, but instead a declaration of your self control and power over the universe. Explain to them how they lack immunity to god, aliens, and gamma rays. Tell them blinking is unnatural, not a regular bodily function to moisten the eyeballs.
They need help, just like you did. I did my part.
Now this in your hands. Your hands. 11:11 AM - Bottle Rocket Fire Alarm
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