Situation Normal. Atmosphere Breathable. Brainstem Injected. Dialogue Engaged.
Tuesday, March 22, 2005

I'll Hire Snipers

Paul For Mayor
My Initial Reaction

Vagina Piercing, Tattoos, Kiddieland, Twin Peaks: The River Grove Mayoral Battle

In the first link above you can visit the website for a mayoral candidate in my fair village. Actually we're a tiny little patch of land squeezed between Elmwood Park and Franklin Park, two larger and better known suburbs. We get treated like the proverbial little brother who gets the condescending pats on the head and the raggedy hand me down clothing. Those towns get all the good tax revenues and we get potholes.

Below that is a link to my initial take on the mayoral race. It was prompted by a garish mailing from Paul Collurafici. The other candidate is Marilynn May. Her street team has taken to planting white signs in every lawn in River Grove. They are so prevalent that I'm the only house on my end of the street without one. Probably since I removed it and destroyed it. They didn't ask for my permission, you see. Paul, at least, has been vocal and plaintive instead of silent and assuming. He gets my vote on this merit alone. I probably won't attend his second meet and greet, which is tonight, but I will punch the ballot for him. My precinct votes in a burrito shack. Really. It's awesome.

I don't like this uptight establishment May woman. She's expecting victory on strength of momentum alone. I don't care if she was the dead mayor's wife or the PTA chairwoman or the.... whatever she's done until now. Nobody plants a political sign in my lawn in the dark of night without asking. Nobody. She probably recuited a bunch of glee club highschool goody twoshoes from the local church social to prance about the village with these damn placards. These children probably felt like little legal vandals, dabbling in lawn sign politics instead of toilet papering trees. She probably bought the giggling little shitheads ice cream cones and varsity letters for their efforts. I would love to release fire ants and sewer rats into her headquarters in retaliation, but I swore off politics last November.

But don't let that stop you.
10:21 AM - Bottle Rocket Fire Alarm


March 22, 2005 1:03 PM, Blogger Mishka said...

I would be sending a letter to the editor so all voters would know that most of those signs are only there because people are too lazy to remove them, not because they actually support her.

A lot of people are like sheep when it comes to voting and if they think everyone is going to vote for her because she has so popular (obviously due to signage), then she might get the vote because everyone wants to say that they voted for a "winner"....that kind of crap just irritates me.

March 22, 2005 1:31 PM, Blogger Wino McHackenpuke said...

This woman had her minions infiltrate your property and spear your lawn without asking! That's unacceptable, and I wouldn't stand for it, either!

I think it would be appropriate if you took a bunch of her rival candidate's signs and, under the cover of darkness, jabbed a forest of them into HER front lawn! Ha ha ha ha ha!!

But at the very least, send this she-pirate a letter explaining that she lost your vote because of her lack of courtesy.....and add something about "staying in the kitchen" so it really hits home.


March 22, 2005 2:02 PM, Blogger ty bluesmith said...


i think i remember you alluding somewhere to the fact that elections are fake, right? what gives?

March 22, 2005 3:01 PM, Blogger Bottle Rocket Fire Alarm said...

Ack! Now I have to be consistent, too?

Local elections for population ten thousand villages, little sliver wedges of land, are more likely to be accessable and hands-on than say, a federal election or a statewide election.

I wrote before that I don't care a whole lot about this election, since I'm moving in July. It's fun to watch and comment on it, though. That Chicago Sun-Times story in the thrid link above is surreal and I'm lucky I get to witness the shenanigans.

March 22, 2005 3:35 PM, Blogger Other Brother said...

Evil shenanigans

March 22, 2005 8:20 PM, Blogger Lightning Bug's Butt said...

The only time I care about the mayor is when they try to step up the penalty for peeping toms.

And when there's a pothole on my street.

March 23, 2005 1:34 AM, Blogger simpleton said...

I once watched my mayor and his opponent have a fist fight over signs near my workplace (which was also a polling precinct.)

One would put a sign down, then the other guy would put one down 6 inches in front of the other guy's sign, and back and forth.

By the time the Chief of Police was on the scene, it had already become a brawl.

March 23, 2005 7:23 AM, Anonymous sarcastrix said...

So why does my statcounter keep telling me you're in Texas?

March 23, 2005 9:21 AM, Blogger Bottle Rocket Fire Alarm said...

The service provider for my employer keep our server there, I guess. I haven't totally figured that out.

My provider at home shows as Schiller Park or Lombard, IL.

March 23, 2005 2:19 PM, Blogger Kerouaced said...

Your civic duty is to put mustaches on all this woman's campaign posters. I would recommend a Sharpie for such purposes.

During election time I plant numerous signs all over my front yard and place them enticingly close to the road, just daring someone to come up and try to steal one by the cover of night. So far I've had no takers, although all my neighbors' signs disappear throughout the course of an election. Finally, all those years of campaigning have paid off. I am finally known as the crazy guy at the top of the hill that you'd better not mess with.


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