Situation Normal. Atmosphere Breathable. Brainstem Injected. Dialogue Engaged.
stg-roadrunner-gfx
Monday, March 14, 2005

Shame Game

Sometimes I read other people's lists, sometimes I ignore them. Until recently I thought listmaking was a lazy way to express oneself and a poor excuse for creativity. Then I made a list, and now I have to stop being a snobby shit and read lists for forty-eight hours straight in penance for my arrogance. Here's a list that was inspired by Internet Addiction Word Therapy. Go visit. See sidebar.

1. I owned one pair of pants in junior high school. When I got holes in the knees, I sewed carpet over them. Then I decided to sew on barbie clothes, plaid, patches, airplane pictures, puffy stripes, and velcro. Also, one wool glove to my ass.

2. My mom threw them away a few years later. I'd worn them everyday for almost two years, washing them weekly or so. She got me new clothes.

3. I peed in my bed until I was twelve. I was cured when I was eleven but I was lazy and it was warm so I kept going for an extra year.

4. I didnt switch to boxers until I was 19. I didn't hit puberty until 16. Now I am tall. Late bloomer incarnate.

5. I had long hair until I was 22. It was shaved on the sides and back but long from the top, the opposite of a mullet. A sensitive guy ponytail. One day I looked in the mirror and decided I looked like a douchebag. I went to the barber. My little sister has the ponytail in a shoebox. I told her to do her dusting with it.

6. I love stapling signs to telephone poles.

7. I collect magnets. I have a hundred. My current roommates let me put them all on the fridge for six months. That was nice while it lasted.

8. I like to make poop jokes at the dinner table when my sisters are there. They think it's gross but they laugh.

9. I am going to be a horrible alcoholic just like my father, grandfather, and great grandfather on dad's side, and grandmother on my mother's side. My sisters know this. They drink too but don't seem to think it will happen to them. I drink a lot more than them. Sometimes with them.

10. My dad knows this about me and he seems strangely comforted by it. He drinks a fifth of Ten High every night. Sometimes I do too and I cradle the bottle like it's a little baby and I rock it back and forth and say "daddy, daddy, daddy."
6:01 AM - Bottle Rocket Fire Alarm

4 Comments:

March 14, 2005 12:26 PM, Blogger ty bluesmith said...

i usually hate those lists, too. pretty much up until i made my own.

yours, however, is how a ten things list should be.

seriously, though. tightie whities at 16 still?

what about the grapes, man? weren't your boys all squished?

 
March 14, 2005 12:32 PM, Blogger Bottle Rocket Fire Alarm said...

I wore everything is sizes far too large. So it was more like an underskirt that rubbed the skin from my thighs than a cotton grape kneader. My overpants were so big that I almost took off like a kite when a strong wind blew. My clothes fit somewhat better these days. I'm getting better at the sizes thing.

 
March 14, 2005 7:45 PM, Blogger Latigo Flint said...

#10 is just about the most beautiful thing I've ever read.

 
March 16, 2005 3:56 PM, Anonymous sarcastrix said...

Also tall. Also late to puberty. Coincidence?

Poop jokes are awesome. Like I always say, sooner or later all conversations turn to poop.

 

Post a Comment

left-arrow Home

stg-shark
Cross Examination and Self Reference
Light And Glare
Muck Gripe
Hellbent and Furious
Shoelace Noose Considerations
Homeward Bound
Mouthbreathing Foreign Drug Fiends
Concrete Mattress
Piwo Jasne Pelne Okocimskie
Grimace's Appropriate Name
August 2002
September 2002
October 2002
November 2002
December 2002
January 2003
February 2003
March 2003
April 2003
May 2003
September 2003
October 2003
November 2003
December 2003
January 2004
February 2004
August 2004
December 2004
January 2005
February 2005
March 2005
April 2005
May 2005
June 2005
July 2005
August 2005
September 2005
October 2005
November 2005
December 2005
January 2006
February 2006
March 2006
April 2006
May 2006
June 2006
July 2006
August 2006
September 2006
October 2006
November 2006
December 2006
January 2007
February 2007
April 2007
May 2007
June 2007
July 2007
August 2007
September 2007
February 2008
May 2008
August 2008
March 2009
April 2009
May 2009
December 2009
February 2010
March 2010
April 2010
May 2010
August 2010
August 2011
September 2011
February 2012
June 2012
July 2012
August 2012
October 2012
November 2012
May 2013
August 2013
September 2013
December 2013
May 2014
October 2014
November 2014
December 2016