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Monday, March 14, 2005

Shame Game

Sometimes I read other people's lists, sometimes I ignore them. Until recently I thought listmaking was a lazy way to express oneself and a poor excuse for creativity. Then I made a list, and now I have to stop being a snobby shit and read lists for forty-eight hours straight in penance for my arrogance. Here's a list that was inspired by Internet Addiction Word Therapy. Go visit. See sidebar.

1. I owned one pair of pants in junior high school. When I got holes in the knees, I sewed carpet over them. Then I decided to sew on barbie clothes, plaid, patches, airplane pictures, puffy stripes, and velcro. Also, one wool glove to my ass.

2. My mom threw them away a few years later. I'd worn them everyday for almost two years, washing them weekly or so. She got me new clothes.

3. I peed in my bed until I was twelve. I was cured when I was eleven but I was lazy and it was warm so I kept going for an extra year.

4. I didnt switch to boxers until I was 19. I didn't hit puberty until 16. Now I am tall. Late bloomer incarnate.

5. I had long hair until I was 22. It was shaved on the sides and back but long from the top, the opposite of a mullet. A sensitive guy ponytail. One day I looked in the mirror and decided I looked like a douchebag. I went to the barber. My little sister has the ponytail in a shoebox. I told her to do her dusting with it.

6. I love stapling signs to telephone poles.

7. I collect magnets. I have a hundred. My current roommates let me put them all on the fridge for six months. That was nice while it lasted.

8. I like to make poop jokes at the dinner table when my sisters are there. They think it's gross but they laugh.

9. I am going to be a horrible alcoholic just like my father, grandfather, and great grandfather on dad's side, and grandmother on my mother's side. My sisters know this. They drink too but don't seem to think it will happen to them. I drink a lot more than them. Sometimes with them.

10. My dad knows this about me and he seems strangely comforted by it. He drinks a fifth of Ten High every night. Sometimes I do too and I cradle the bottle like it's a little baby and I rock it back and forth and say "daddy, daddy, daddy."
6:01 AM - Bottle Rocket Fire Alarm


March 14, 2005 12:26 PM, Blogger ty bluesmith said...

i usually hate those lists, too. pretty much up until i made my own.

yours, however, is how a ten things list should be.

seriously, though. tightie whities at 16 still?

what about the grapes, man? weren't your boys all squished?

March 14, 2005 12:32 PM, Blogger Bottle Rocket Fire Alarm said...

I wore everything is sizes far too large. So it was more like an underskirt that rubbed the skin from my thighs than a cotton grape kneader. My overpants were so big that I almost took off like a kite when a strong wind blew. My clothes fit somewhat better these days. I'm getting better at the sizes thing.

March 14, 2005 7:45 PM, Blogger Latigo Flint said...

#10 is just about the most beautiful thing I've ever read.

March 16, 2005 3:56 PM, Anonymous sarcastrix said...

Also tall. Also late to puberty. Coincidence?

Poop jokes are awesome. Like I always say, sooner or later all conversations turn to poop.


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