Situation Normal. Atmosphere Breathable. Brainstem Injected. Dialogue Engaged.
Wednesday, March 09, 2005

Muck Gripe

The donation debate continues. Today I have fifty computers in various states of disrepair stacked in teetering columns, held together by the McGrease that permeated the atmosphere of their former residences. When I removed them from our inventory cage my fingers were coated in soda syrup, fry grease, and curdled mayonaise. New colors were invented.

We removed them from restaurants over a six month period. They were used as servers for credit card sliders in stores throughout the midwest. These few remaining metallic crudmuffins are those deemed too damaged for resale but not worthless enough for disposal. We're going to cobble the parts together into as many functional units as possible. Small business packrat mentality.

The're running an old operating system. They have weak processors, low capacity storage drives and little memory. We certainly won't find any willing buyers. Now they're talking about donating them to schools. These days computers in schools are not rare. They all have them. Decent ones. We'd have to go to a very poor neighborhood to offload these shitbombs and even then it would be more of an insult than a generous gesture.

Besides, they're caked in grime. Are we really going to spend money on high potency chemicals to dissolve this putrid muck? I say there will be no miraculous tax write-off.

I'll win in the end. They'll come to realize that the labor and transportation costs far outweigh the meager imaginary write-off. I'll fill the dumpster up, and soon after more landfill space will harbor our decaying plastic waste.
1:55 PM - Bottle Rocket Fire Alarm


March 09, 2005 8:19 PM, Blogger ty bluesmith said...

solid. thank/you

March 09, 2005 11:07 PM, Blogger Latigo Flint said...

I am so going to start using the word crudmuffin!

March 09, 2005 11:10 PM, Blogger Kilroy Trout said...

Here is what I would do:

1. Take computers to empty parking lot late at night.
2. Take one hit of acid and down a few beers.
3. With 15-20 ft section of rope, tie two or three computers to one end and the other to back of car.
4. Drive at high speed in large circles; watch impressive show of sparks as computers disintegrate.
5. Repeat steps 2-4 until all computers have been disassembled.

March 10, 2005 8:18 AM, Blogger Other Brother said...

or you could get a Louisville Slugger and an old Geto Boys CD (the one with "Damn it feels good to be a gangsta"). Then replay the scene from Office Space by bashing the computers to little pieces. (In the movie they hit a fax/copier machine, but who cares about details, right?)

March 10, 2005 4:55 PM, Blogger Bottle Rocket Fire Alarm said...

You are all awesome. I will pass along the notions to my coworkers for approval.


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