Situation Normal. Atmosphere Breathable. Brainstem Injected. Dialogue Engaged.
Thursday, March 03, 2005

Concrete Mattress

Working the early shift has a few drawbacks.

Last night the company president called me to ask for a bracket. I had picked it up from a vendor on my way home earlier in the evening, so I volunteered to deliver it in Chicago after rush hour.

I called a friend since I was, you know, in the neighborhood. He cajoled me into taking a ride with him to go drink shots. I made myself abundantly clear: I must be back to my vehicle by midnight. Under no circumstances would I permit myself to miss any work the next morning. I'm covering the phones for people away on a business trip. I must rise at 5 am and deliver myself to Schaumburg by 6 am.

They rely on me here. I like my job.

So. He's in bartending school. Yesterday was his second day. He already fancies himself a stud bartender and is talking about the movie Cocktail too much. He pluralizes it and calls it Cocktails. I tried to correct him, but whatever.

So I'm gazing worriedly at an array of various fruity schnapps bottles. Queasy trepidation.

I prefer gin or bourbon. Vocally. I suppose you can't mix shots with those, unless you count hyperventilation as an ingredient. Then again, the last time I drank gin in public, (excluding last Saturday) I poured drinks over my head on purpose and lost my pants, so maybe something that tastes bad will keep me in check.

Fruity candy booze is for underage drinking. Right? Am I that out of touch? Don't answer that. Sugary drinks give me headaches and I usually end up telling dead baby jokes to Catholics. Guaranteed disaster. This time things went smoothly and I didn't make any enemies. I found no Kick Me signs affixed to my back upon arriving home.

I had a good time and we managed to leave by 12:30. Not bad. When we departed, a girl offered me a strange hot pink hat. I explained (once again) that I am impervious to cold and wear no jacket. I am the master of my environment therefore need no protection from the elements. She looked at me oddly and proceeded to jam it on my head and "bust it to the right." Her words. As we all drove away a squad of latino gangbangers pointed at me and cackled madly from the high seats of their minivan. I was so funny they clutched at the bandanas slung around their necks. The hat came off quickly.

The discussion turned to cats and I said horrible things about felines, canines, and vermin. My eyes itch just thinking about them. They are disgusting feces factories that try to moisten our faces with crotch brewed saliva. Gross.

Finally we got back to my car and I bade farewell to the bartender and the pink hat girl.

Now I want more sleep. The floor here is hard, but I think it would take electric spikes to keep me from lying on it. No one else will arrive until nine. That gives me two hours.
7:00 AM - Bottle Rocket Fire Alarm


March 03, 2005 10:49 AM, Blogger Imogene_Pix said...

Steve- I cannot find your e-mail address. Ever think of putting something together with what you've written? See if you have elements of a short story and enter it in some competitions. I know I'm making it sound overly simplistic, but who knows. You've got a good handle on writing clear narrative that draws one in. One meaning me, at least. A very good friend told me that if you want to get better at something you should always hang out with people who are a step or two above you so that you can learn. Hehheh that might mean that you would have to exclude me from your company.

March 03, 2005 11:02 AM, Blogger sic said...

My roommate (who's studying to be a nurse and therefore an expert) said that 10-15% of dog bites become infected, whereas 100% of human bites do. The reason for this is that the bacteria count in a human's mouth is much higher than in a dog's mouth, as dogs' saliva has natural astringent properties. Therefore you're probably much better off being li...

Um... Never mind.

March 03, 2005 11:10 AM, Blogger ~kimberly~ said...

Im a rum girl, myself.

March 03, 2005 1:23 PM, Blogger Kerouaced said...

You are not out of touch. Fruit candy booze was specifically designed for the underage lip gloss crowd.

'Crotch brewed saliva?' Now that is gross but true. Cats are good if you have a leak in your swimming pool. Their fur takes on water and they expand plugging the hole. Can they really use snorkels? I always assume they can.

March 03, 2005 2:39 PM, Blogger natalie said...

i say go with your bad pink-hat-wearing-self and tell those gin-induced dead baby jokes to as many catholics and/or non-catholics as possible. all is well that doesn't end in a hangover... right?

March 03, 2005 2:39 PM, Anonymous kristin said...

hi! your post totally made me laugh. good times!

March 03, 2005 5:28 PM, Blogger Stace said...

Hey if your "stud bartender" friend needs any other tasters. I AM AVAILABLE TO TRAVEL, and bring 3 other alcoholics!!!

March 03, 2005 7:01 PM, Blogger Lightning Bug's Butt said...

I knew this would be a good post the second I read about you doing shots.


March 04, 2005 1:05 AM, Blogger Kilroy Trout said...

Catholics don't like dead baby jokes?

March 04, 2005 1:20 PM, Blogger Imogene_Pix said...

Speak for yourself. I used to be Catholic and I adore dead baby jokes.


Post a Comment

left-arrow Home

Piwo Jasne Pelne Okocimskie
Grimace's Appropriate Name
Gnats, Rashes, and Malaria
Neon Safari
Low Brow Standard Bearers Unite
Atmospheric Devolution
Throttled Receptors
A Glancing Blow
Rest In Peace, Doctor
How's My Driving?
August 2002
September 2002
October 2002
November 2002
December 2002
January 2003
February 2003
March 2003
April 2003
May 2003
September 2003
October 2003
November 2003
December 2003
January 2004
February 2004
August 2004
December 2004
January 2005
February 2005
March 2005
April 2005
May 2005
June 2005
July 2005
August 2005
September 2005
October 2005
November 2005
December 2005
January 2006
February 2006
March 2006
April 2006
May 2006
June 2006
July 2006
August 2006
September 2006
October 2006
November 2006
December 2006
January 2007
February 2007
April 2007
May 2007
June 2007
July 2007
August 2007
September 2007
February 2008
May 2008
August 2008
March 2009
April 2009
May 2009
December 2009
February 2010
March 2010
April 2010
May 2010
August 2010
August 2011
September 2011
February 2012
June 2012
July 2012
August 2012
October 2012
November 2012
May 2013
August 2013
September 2013
December 2013
May 2014
October 2014
November 2014
December 2016