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Friday, March 18, 2005

Friday Morning Blues

I was fed up with the virus yesterday afternoon. I decided not to wait for the weekend. I would eradicate it immediately. On my voyage home, I stopped and acquired a fifth of Wild Turkey 101. I drank about half before slurping a tray of lasagna and crashing unceremoniously to my mattress. I slipped away from consciousness as the sun sunk below the horizon.

I feel somewhat better today. I woke happy and nimble. I stopped at the gas station for my morning cup of soup. A pudgy fellow with a red goatee and a winter stocking cap was listening intently to his horoscope as the counter girl read it. An undernourished eastern European lad in red Adidas gear was poking the donuts to check their freshness while a grizzly flannel clad grump glared at him for damaging the eclair he coveted. A curlyhaired old man wore the wrong prescription eyeglasses, very thick too, and he had to stick his face right up to each coffee pot label to determine which variety he sought. This caused the lenses to fog and he became irascible quickly. He muttered each time he wiped his glasses clear. I slowly wandered the store gazing at junk food and fizzy drinks, unsure and noncommital, like a leprechaun in a copper mine.

I arrived at work shortly after six and had my soup. The chicken that floated in it looked like chewed, bleached gum or tar lumps, depending on whether it was intended to imitate white or dark meat. I skipped the chicken and stuck to the broth, carrots, and noodles. Now that my stomach has food, a slight hangover has announced its arrival. As a result, I can't wait for this day to perish.

I want my mommy.
7:11 AM - Bottle Rocket Fire Alarm


March 18, 2005 10:04 AM, Blogger Dave Morris said...

A couple of pieces of info/advice for ya:

1- going without a jacket won't make you catch a cold. It has been beaten into my head for years not to go out without one, or "you'll be dead in a week!" Yeah, thanks Mom for those encouraging words. Now get back to beating me physically, instead.

2- The Wild Turkey is brilliant. It kills a cold much like antibiotics, only way more fun. And I also happen to know it's not alcohol that ruins your liver. When you get the sweats after drinking, your skin soaks the sweat BACK IN via osmosis. By then, the sweat has absorbed the impurities in the air caused by the beer/alcohol farts (and I'm sure a nearby coal mine). Those impurities are then filtered through the liver and THAT'S what causes the trouble.

PS - Try a bottle of Wild Turkey liquer. Chicks dig it.

March 18, 2005 11:30 AM, Blogger ty bluesmith said...


i'm reading, but this motherfucker will never let me post comments anymore.

please. please. please. get haloscan.

your sausage loving friend, ty bluesmith

March 18, 2005 5:21 PM, Blogger simpleton said...

Luckily, you had the foresight to leave yourself a half bottle of Wild Turkey.

Great planning, man.

March 18, 2005 7:59 PM, Blogger Stace said...

Damn this took FOREVER!!!! I am with TBlue. Either way HANG OVERS SUCK. That't it, period the end

March 18, 2005 11:50 PM, Blogger Latigo Flint said...

Hangovers build character.

March 19, 2005 1:27 AM, Blogger Lightning Bug's Butt said...

I loves me the Wild Turkey.

Get ready. That soup is going to be the medium for a high-charged case of diarrhea.

March 20, 2005 8:02 PM, Blogger Matteus Von Mustard said...

ha ha. i was amused by the double-pox cast upon that gentlemen by his improper eyewear.

March 20, 2005 8:10 PM, Blogger hiddenfish said...

There is something in the water. It makes the natives radiate with an odd glow. Why do we systematically ignore and deny these signs of the apocalypse? Why do we sit idly by and try to seek normalcy when it is merely an opiate of the mind. Why do we permit the madness? Take action now! Join the growing movement that strives to uncloak the mysteries that plague the global psyche!!! Show your support by encircling your wrists with orange marker to gain awareness. We will be heard and the world will know our cause! Learn more about the madness at or at

March 20, 2005 8:13 PM, Blogger Bookfraud said...

hope you're feeling better by now. i've partied many colds out of my system. helps clear the esophogus, too. sometimes i get worse, so i have to drink some more.

actually, this stops working once you turn 30. trust me.

March 20, 2005 8:15 PM, Blogger Bookfraud said...

p.s. i don't know wtf this bloody comment above mine is about, but i went to the blog and i wanted to drop a lincoln log on the twerp.


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