Situation Normal. Atmosphere Breathable. Brainstem Injected. Dialogue Engaged.
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Tuesday, March 15, 2005

Waterlogged and Vicious

I may have lost my superhero status. My power wasn't particularly impressive. I was merely impervious to cold. I had a natural resistance to shivering, chattering, and nostril icicles. Events have conspired to strike down my magic.

There used to be an abandoned lot next to my house. Deer, raccoons, and other assorted mammalia would frolic and defecate amongst the illegally dumped toxic waste and poison oak. Recently the property was sold and for the past several months a construction crew has been laying brick and mortar for condominiums of some sort. They use our running water via a hose, and for some reason this is plugging our pipes.The washing machine could not empty last night, so the spin cycle did nothing to violently throw the water from the fabrics. Therefore all of my clothing went into the dryer sopping wet. After four dryer cycles the clothes were well cooked but still stewy. By that I mean soaked. All my clothes.

Today I left for work in wet clothing and a bad attitude. I've been entertaining myself by considering awful revenge perpetrations.

I would invite homeless and crackheads to the building site next door, but they'd eventually get rousted and I'd be awoken by sirens, bullhorns, and crackling tazer snaps in the middle of the night.

We got new garbagemen two weeks ago and they don't know to come get our bins from the side of the house. We've been ignored and we're overflowing. My garbage may find a cozy new home amongst the dusty infrastucture. It'll be nice to have the raccoons back in the neighborhood.

Spraypaint is so last decade, and arson is beyond my moral code. I'll just need a little patience and I'll move somewhere else in the middle of the summer.
6:27 AM - Bottle Rocket Fire Alarm

6 Comments:

March 15, 2005 9:34 AM, Blogger Chicken said...

You may want to move anyway if they are putting up condominiums.

 
March 15, 2005 9:53 AM, Blogger Other Brother said...

Get about 5 gallons of milk and a few cans of sardines. Then leave them all over the construction site to attract cats, raccoons, and whatever other vermin youse guys have up theres.

 
March 15, 2005 10:54 AM, Blogger Mishka said...

So who is paying for the water that they are using??? Perhaps that would solve your problems, just cut off their water supply....hee, hee...maybe you could even blame it on the washing machine.

 
March 15, 2005 7:13 PM, Blogger daniel said...

You, my friend, are a wordsmith. Gold post.


Personally, I believe defecation is the way to go.
Really get into it.. eat some rich food, maybe pop some "colonblow" and just get over there in the wee hours with your pants off and truly spray the place down.
Consider crapping in your hands and doing some kindy-style finger painting, using big nasty words.

Yes. The answer is Poo.
Oh, and top it off with your garbage!

 
March 15, 2005 7:52 PM, Blogger Cindy-Lou said...

Spray paint is out? Damn. Do I ever feel foolish.

 
March 16, 2005 2:48 AM, Blogger Lightning Bug's Butt said...

The flaming bag of crap is an old classic.

 

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