Situation Normal. Atmosphere Breathable. Brainstem Injected. Dialogue Engaged.
Tuesday, March 29, 2005

Victimless Anthropomorphism

I checked my voicemail messages yesterday afternoon.

"Hey Steve, it's me. You don't have to worry about the television. It is now.... working."

Hmm. I'm trying to piece together the late night events of last Saturday. Here's what I've got so far:

At approximately four in the morning I heard a warbling tone oscillating from the front room. Hypnotized, I slowly wove my way towards the source, my arms outstretched and my jaw slack.

When I arrived in the dark room the television went silent and began a rapid blinking. The pattern was impossible to discern but I couldn't tear my gaze away. I stood transfixed. The television was up to mischief. It detatched a black cable from the wall and began to twirl it about in the air. I'm immune to snake charming and this bizarre display actually broke my trance. I had never seen a television act with malicious intent, let alone free will. I was perturbed. I turned to flee. The television formed a lasso with the cable and roped me. I was violently jerked to the floor where I squirmed and drunkenly tried to scream for help.

Nobody came. I watched in horror as the teevee shimmy sashayed towards the brink of the cheap wicker table. It did a diving board bounce and frontflipped towards me. At this moment the lasso loosened and I rolled away. The televison anticipated my movement and dove for my torso, where it struck my right ribcage just below the nipple.

I was innocent of any clumsiness or wrongdoing. I did not knock that television off its perch. In fact, I saved the appliance a wrongful death lawsuit and a revocation of it's warranty.

People say television will rot your brain and make you lazy, but I know the truth. It is far, far worse than that.
6:08 AM - Bottle Rocket Fire Alarm


March 29, 2005 7:18 AM, Blogger Kerouaced said...

You have a great imagination. And like I've said your writing just keeps getting better.

Also, thanks for the feedback on my Prologue. It was very helpful. The main character is a crippled young man but I think the old man imagery I was using to explain his body is too confusing. I'm going to make a few changes this morning. If you have time later take a look and let me know what you think. Thanks.

March 29, 2005 8:55 AM, Blogger Other Brother said...

When in a drunken stupor, I often feel that the furniture is out to get me. Much like that Disney movie Beauty and the Beast. There is an evil coffee table at my friend's house that must love the taste of blood from my shins.

March 29, 2005 12:45 PM, Blogger Dave Morris said...

I once had a similar-but-not-exactly-the-same run in with a blender.

After some reconstructive surgery and an organ donation from a black former-porn-star-turned-born-again-christian, my life was able to return to pseudo-normal.

My wife will never find a way to adequately thank the donor. Or the blender.

March 29, 2005 3:02 PM, Blogger Isabella said...

You are obviously insane. Which, of course, means that if you are ever in California you are invited to my house to give my appliances obedience lessons.

March 29, 2005 10:00 PM, Blogger Cindy-Lou said...

If you're in California can you come here too? I need a new TV but I have to break this one before I can justify another.


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