I checked my voicemail messages yesterday afternoon.

"Hey Steve, it's me. You don't have to worry about the television. It is now.... working."

Hmm. I'm trying to piece together the late night events of last Saturday. Here's what I've got so far:

At approximately four in the morning I heard a warbling tone oscillating from the front room. Hypnotized, I slowly wove my way towards the source, my arms outstretched and my jaw slack.

When I arrived in the dark room the television went silent and began a rapid blinking. The pattern was impossible to discern but I couldn't tear my gaze away. I stood transfixed. The television was up to mischief. It detatched a black cable from the wall and began to twirl it about in the air. I'm immune to snake charming and this bizarre display actually broke my trance. I had never seen a television act with malicious intent, let alone free will. I was perturbed. I turned to flee. The television formed a lasso with the cable and roped me. I was violently jerked to the floor where I squirmed and drunkenly tried to scream for help.

Nobody came. I watched in horror as the teevee shimmy sashayed towards the brink of the cheap wicker table. It did a diving board bounce and frontflipped towards me. At this moment the lasso loosened and I rolled away. The televison anticipated my movement and dove for my torso, where it struck my right ribcage just below the nipple.

I was innocent of any clumsiness or wrongdoing. I did not knock that television off its perch. In fact, I saved the appliance a wrongful death lawsuit and a revocation of it's warranty.

People say television will rot your brain and make you lazy, but I know the truth. It is far, far worse than that. 6:08 AM - Bottle Rocket Fire Alarm