Situation Normal. Atmosphere Breathable. Brainstem Injected. Dialogue Engaged.
stg-roadrunner-gfx
Thursday, April 07, 2005

Buzzsaw Killjoy Mudslurping Pigfucker

Today is my fourth day operating under a critical lack of sleep. My recuperation habits have been pulverized by a wheelbarrow of bricks heaved from a skyscraper's height.

My skull is paste. My eyelids are trembling. The little capillaries in my eyeballs are pulsing and engorged with stale blood. I am ragged.

I'm not feeling sorry for myself, rather, I'm attempting to observe the results and symptoms with the utmost scientific objectivity. I may take poetic license in describing them, but don't think I'm whining.

My skin is rippling like light waves lapping on dry sand. It isn't firmly glued to my flesh, and I'm concerned that I might shed like a snake. The difference would be that I'd leave a wet bag of glistening inside-out skin behind instead of a dry husk.

I'm sure some spring ants would use their little mandibles to tear my steaming dermis puddle into tiny little giblets for their queen to gnaw upon. She would dutifully convert me into nutritious ant gelatin. In single serving containers.

I'm walking around like I have sailor's legs, but I haven't been on board a boat in years. The flat earth is seesawing nonetheless. My undigested food is enjoying the water park wave pool on the little Cherrios inner tubes littering the surface of my bile tank stomach. It's a nice relaxing comedown for a half-chewed celery chunk after the esophagus waterslide.

On my way to work I usually kill a hobo junkie with a broken pencil through the eyeball. I steal his syringe and drop it into my scorching hot coffee where it floats for ten minutes sterilizing. I withdraw it and shake it off like a thermometer.

I fill the syringe with my special brown syrup. The recipe for this wake-me-up is simple: boil a large bottle of Nyquil, several handfuls of freeze-dried coffee crystals, ten caffeine pills, and two cups of water for an hour or until the mixture is syrup. It makes for a rough injection, but I perform my job expeditiously all day long on that stuff. As an added bonus my coagulation time is tripled when I accidentally sever a limb. My blood is so adhesive I can just staple a finger right back to my hand with my trusty Bostich 7000 and I'm flexing and coring out earwax within minutes.

This results in numerous Frankenstein stitch jobs crisscrossing over my body like schizophrenic monorail tracks, but I like to think I've discovered the next big trend in body modification. Why get piercings or tattoos when I can have a map of Albuquerque on my torso?

As my day progresses I suckle from my coffee nipple. It keeps me happy and jumpy. You can never overdo the stimulants when you have a young heart.

I should probably get to bed early this evening.
8:11 AM - Bottle Rocket Fire Alarm

6 Comments:

April 07, 2005 8:23 AM, Blogger Kerouaced said...

"Suckle from the coffee nipple." Ha. That struck me as pretty damn funny.

 
April 07, 2005 2:06 PM, Blogger Bottle Rocket Fire Alarm said...

Thank you. I can't wait for mom to read all this. She'll regret me.

 
April 07, 2005 3:16 PM, Blogger Monkey said...

Damn I love your writing!!!!

Thank you!

 
April 07, 2005 3:39 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dude. Don't be messing with the homeless people. They love me, and as such I feel it my duty to protect them from pencil wielding maniacs.

 
April 07, 2005 6:46 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ain't no point in going to bed early, because after all that stuff you ain't getting up in the morning. Dude.

 
April 08, 2005 8:37 AM, Blogger Bottle Rocket Fire Alarm said...

I really don't want to lose all my previous comments.

I've also seen that haloscan has been funky lately, showing one comment on the post while eight hide within.

I've also heard rumors that comments will expire and pass into the void after a year or so.

So I'm not convinced.

 

Post a Comment

left-arrow Home

stg-shark
Public Service Announcement
Class of '84
Magic Soup
Just A Bit Outside
Tumble Grumble
I Mean It
Tinfoil Viking Science
Celery Stalker
Captured Again
Insect Necklace
August 2002
September 2002
October 2002
November 2002
December 2002
January 2003
February 2003
March 2003
April 2003
May 2003
September 2003
October 2003
November 2003
December 2003
January 2004
February 2004
August 2004
December 2004
January 2005
February 2005
March 2005
April 2005
May 2005
June 2005
July 2005
August 2005
September 2005
October 2005
November 2005
December 2005
January 2006
February 2006
March 2006
April 2006
May 2006
June 2006
July 2006
August 2006
September 2006
October 2006
November 2006
December 2006
January 2007
February 2007
April 2007
May 2007
June 2007
July 2007
August 2007
September 2007
February 2008
May 2008
August 2008
March 2009
April 2009
May 2009
December 2009
February 2010
March 2010
April 2010
May 2010
August 2010
August 2011
September 2011
February 2012
June 2012
July 2012
August 2012
October 2012
November 2012
May 2013
August 2013
September 2013
December 2013
May 2014
October 2014
November 2014
December 2016