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Thursday, April 07, 2005

Buzzsaw Killjoy Mudslurping Pigfucker

Today is my fourth day operating under a critical lack of sleep. My recuperation habits have been pulverized by a wheelbarrow of bricks heaved from a skyscraper's height.

My skull is paste. My eyelids are trembling. The little capillaries in my eyeballs are pulsing and engorged with stale blood. I am ragged.

I'm not feeling sorry for myself, rather, I'm attempting to observe the results and symptoms with the utmost scientific objectivity. I may take poetic license in describing them, but don't think I'm whining.

My skin is rippling like light waves lapping on dry sand. It isn't firmly glued to my flesh, and I'm concerned that I might shed like a snake. The difference would be that I'd leave a wet bag of glistening inside-out skin behind instead of a dry husk.

I'm sure some spring ants would use their little mandibles to tear my steaming dermis puddle into tiny little giblets for their queen to gnaw upon. She would dutifully convert me into nutritious ant gelatin. In single serving containers.

I'm walking around like I have sailor's legs, but I haven't been on board a boat in years. The flat earth is seesawing nonetheless. My undigested food is enjoying the water park wave pool on the little Cherrios inner tubes littering the surface of my bile tank stomach. It's a nice relaxing comedown for a half-chewed celery chunk after the esophagus waterslide.

On my way to work I usually kill a hobo junkie with a broken pencil through the eyeball. I steal his syringe and drop it into my scorching hot coffee where it floats for ten minutes sterilizing. I withdraw it and shake it off like a thermometer.

I fill the syringe with my special brown syrup. The recipe for this wake-me-up is simple: boil a large bottle of Nyquil, several handfuls of freeze-dried coffee crystals, ten caffeine pills, and two cups of water for an hour or until the mixture is syrup. It makes for a rough injection, but I perform my job expeditiously all day long on that stuff. As an added bonus my coagulation time is tripled when I accidentally sever a limb. My blood is so adhesive I can just staple a finger right back to my hand with my trusty Bostich 7000 and I'm flexing and coring out earwax within minutes.

This results in numerous Frankenstein stitch jobs crisscrossing over my body like schizophrenic monorail tracks, but I like to think I've discovered the next big trend in body modification. Why get piercings or tattoos when I can have a map of Albuquerque on my torso?

As my day progresses I suckle from my coffee nipple. It keeps me happy and jumpy. You can never overdo the stimulants when you have a young heart.

I should probably get to bed early this evening.
8:11 AM - Bottle Rocket Fire Alarm

8 Comments:

April 07, 2005 8:23 AM, Blogger Kerouaced said...

"Suckle from the coffee nipple." Ha. That struck me as pretty damn funny.

 
April 07, 2005 1:50 PM, Blogger Anonysis said...

Your imagination can be a frightening place to visit.

 
April 07, 2005 2:06 PM, Blogger Bottle Rocket Fire Alarm said...

Thank you. I can't wait for mom to read all this. She'll regret me.

 
April 07, 2005 3:16 PM, Blogger Monkey said...

Damn I love your writing!!!!

Thank you!

 
April 07, 2005 3:39 PM, Anonymous sarcastrix said...

Dude. Don't be messing with the homeless people. They love me, and as such I feel it my duty to protect them from pencil wielding maniacs.

 
April 07, 2005 6:46 PM, Anonymous Old Horsetail Snake said...

Ain't no point in going to bed early, because after all that stuff you ain't getting up in the morning. Dude.

 
April 08, 2005 7:22 AM, Blogger ty bluesmith said...

mr. giles-

hi. john mcconnell here. while i am firmly in your camp with the hobo hatred and the stimulant planks,

i feel that i must once again implore you to install haloscan on your blog. blogger will not let me talk to you and i think that shit is wrong.

thank you for your time and consideration.

 
April 08, 2005 8:37 AM, Blogger Bottle Rocket Fire Alarm said...

I really don't want to lose all my previous comments.

I've also seen that haloscan has been funky lately, showing one comment on the post while eight hide within.

I've also heard rumors that comments will expire and pass into the void after a year or so.

So I'm not convinced.

 

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