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Monday, April 11, 2005


Translucent Onion

On Friday night I overdosed on Doctor Who, Old Style, cocaine, weightlifting, and pornography. I let the blinds down when the sunlight morphed into darting sewing needles and my eyes threatened to bleed. I thought I heard the ocean murmuring from a seashell, but it was just my lazy pulse circulating under my earlobes. At noon I took a shower, blew out some red jelly, gargled, then slipped between my downy sheets. I had a great time.

Angry Potato

I woke up at four o'clock, wild-eyed and frantic. I checked my telephone. My father had not called. He was, no doubt, hungover like me. Surely by this time in the afternoon he was resigned to bourbon and omelettes. I wasn't exactly raring to go visit the hospital, so my ailing grandmother was shamefully neglected. I began the thawing process.

Ultrasmooth Carrot

Sunday I rose at nine and began my recipe. Again. I baked a shank of pork last Tuesday expressly for the bone. Now I could use it for Sunday soup. To my usual recipe I added parsley and some jalapeno jelly my mother had brought me from Arizona. I took special care to loosen the exposed marrow at the bone ends. It really adds life.

I ate seven or eight bowls over the course of the afternoon. I watched three baseball games. I felt giddy and had a silly smile on my face all day long. The breeze combed my hair. The food warmed my tum. The hypnotic monotony of the announcers lullabyed me into blank perfection. Sunday was a good day.

Relfex Celery

Now I'm back at work. I feel intensely healthy. By my count I've eaten 12 onions, 23 stalks of celery, 14 carrots, 6 cloves of garlic, 9 potatoes, and 15 gallons of spiced water during the past six days. I could lift a house.
10:29 AM - Bottle Rocket Fire Alarm


April 11, 2005 11:00 AM, Blogger ty bluesmith said...

i get the first comment.


i beat you, cindy.

April 11, 2005 11:49 AM, Blogger Dave Morris said...

The amount of healthy food you consumed makes me suspicious of you. I certainly hope you plan to follow that up with something more relatable to the rest of us!

April 11, 2005 2:14 PM, Blogger Other Brother said...

Sometimes it is necessary to stay home and force yourself to get motivated. Eat right, exercise, do rails, jerk off. Sounds like a good therapeutic weekend.

April 11, 2005 7:19 PM, Blogger Mister Jinxy said...

I bet your farts really stink.

April 11, 2005 10:11 PM, Blogger Kerouaced said...

You are really getting into this soup thing. It might be time to switch careers but don't let it go to your head when people start praising your broth. We don't need another soup Nazi on our hands. Have you dabbled in cream soups yet?

April 11, 2005 10:48 PM, Blogger Bottle Rocket Fire Alarm said...

John, ever thought of running marathons? You're faster than greased luge.

Dave, I ate meats and cheeses today. Smoked gouda and several pounds of summer sausage. I'm going to shit butter tomorrow. Good enough?

OB, indeed, indeed.

Mr. Jinxy, they certainly putrefy. I may be nearly 26 but I still giggle at a good rippler. I'm tempted to discover a method for affixing ballons to my asshole so I can preserve my noxious methane for future generations. You know, people in the distant future, long after the end of vegetable matter and slaughtered animals. In that far off day people will eat machine generated nutrient paste and their farts will smell like diesel exhuast. A sad notion, to me.

Steve, not yet. I want to make a roux, which I realize is easy, but I haven't gotten to it yet as I am infatuated with rendering animal corpses at this time. Creams and rouxs are up next. A friend of mine makes an amazing cream of poblano pepper soup that I must learn to replicate.

April 12, 2005 1:27 AM, Blogger Lightning Bug's Butt said...

You should write a diet and fitness book.


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