Tinfoil Viking Science: Steel Wool Underwear

Situation Normal. Atmosphere Breathable. Brainstem Injected. Dialogue Engaged.

Wednesday, April 13, 2005

Steel Wool Underwear

I don't belong here. I know better than to drink heavily the night before I'm due to wake before the sun, but I expected to have three hours alone here to sulk and nap.

I arrived slightly late to a dark and silent office. Immediately the phone rang. Some restaurant manager was having a cheeseburger apocalypse. I wanted to tell him to go home and take a hot bath. You know, relax, forget everything. Go ahead, deprive the bovine hordes of their glistening lukewarm meatlike products.

But I couldn't. It's my job to pretend I care. I spent an hour quenching the volcanoes.

I then put my head down to rest when my boss pranced in. He was grinning like he'd just been sucked off. What gives him the right to be so damn happy this early? I realize my ire is simply hangover induced, but I can't help myself.

He's going camping for the rest of this week and vacation the next, he helped us win millions in business and he's imagining his office at the top of a skyscraper, and he's playing loud silly pop music and singing along in falsetto.

There's nothing worse than happy people when you're not.

8:25 AM - Bottle Rocket Fire Alarm

13 Comments:

April 13, 2005 9:33 AM, clothosfate said...: here here... yeck, just the image of lukewarm non-meat, makes ME want to volcano. by the way I like your blog... you are a good writer, for a man. :P
April 13, 2005 11:39 AM, SJH said...: Attaboy! You're almost British. You know you've gone over when you're a better employee half drunk or completely lashed.
April 13, 2005 12:37 PM, Other Brother said...: See, I told you she likes you.
April 13, 2005 5:09 PM, if_i_had_a_hammer said...: even though it seems to be encouraged around here, i hate showing up at the office with a hangover; thankfully, i usually don't roll in until 11am.

the ultimate cheeseburger from jack in the box always works for me. if you don't have jack in the box in your area, almost any giant double toxic burger from your fast food joint of choice will clear that right up.
April 13, 2005 5:52 PM, OldHorsetailSnake said...: You should be happy too. The boss is going to be gone for at least 10 days. So you can get drunk 10 days in a row (like you always do, but this time you don't have to worry about going to work).
April 13, 2005 6:49 PM, Lil McGill said...: you hilarious bastard.
April 13, 2005 8:25 PM, Ray Nolan said...: Cheeseburger Apocolypse would be a good name for a band, or a blog.
April 13, 2005 10:33 PM, Wino McHackenpuke said...: You see, Bottle Rocket? You see?

I predicted that we hadn't heard the last from clothosfate, and here we find her, milling about on the blogs that belong to the elite group of Handsomes.

What do you mean, "for a man," Clothofate? Everyone knows that history's best writers are (and continue to be) men!

Bake me a blueberry pie, on the double!
April 14, 2005 12:23 AM, You've Got What I Need... said...: He was singing in falsetto... very suspect. Your boss probably was sucked off, but that doesn't mean he should tralala above middle "c"; it's just poor sportsmanship, as far as I'm concerned.

I'm sorry for your head pain, Steve. You should drink more water. It helps with the throbbing.

No joke.
April 14, 2005 9:47 AM, clothosfate said...: Take that! You want blueberry pie you better go upstairs and ask your mama for one. Dusty you rock...Oh and don't forget about the high cut skirts, and big black boots! Men don't stand a chance.
April 14, 2005 3:16 PM, Wino McHackenpuke said...: The only women writers you can come up with are Margaret Atwood and Anne Rice, two trashy novelists?

You're funny. :)

Where's my PIE!?
April 15, 2005 1:29 AM, Wino McHackenpuke said...: Stowe's good.

And I believe Wuthering Heights is in my profile's list of books.

This is a better list.
April 15, 2005 1:07 PM, clothosfate said...: don't forget Marion Zimmer Bradley, Ursula LaGuin, Margret Atwood fucking rocks, Starhawk, I second Jane Austin and Anias Nin...