Situation Normal. Atmosphere Breathable. Brainstem Injected. Dialogue Engaged.
Wednesday, April 13, 2005

Steel Wool Underwear

I don't belong here. I know better than to drink heavily the night before I'm due to wake before the sun, but I expected to have three hours alone here to sulk and nap.

I arrived slightly late to a dark and silent office. Immediately the phone rang. Some restaurant manager was having a cheeseburger apocalypse. I wanted to tell him to go home and take a hot bath. You know, relax, forget everything. Go ahead, deprive the bovine hordes of their glistening lukewarm meatlike products.

But I couldn't. It's my job to pretend I care. I spent an hour quenching the volcanoes.

I then put my head down to rest when my boss pranced in. He was grinning like he'd just been sucked off. What gives him the right to be so damn happy this early? I realize my ire is simply hangover induced, but I can't help myself.

He's going camping for the rest of this week and vacation the next, he helped us win millions in business and he's imagining his office at the top of a skyscraper, and he's playing loud silly pop music and singing along in falsetto.

There's nothing worse than happy people when you're not.
8:25 AM - Bottle Rocket Fire Alarm


April 13, 2005 9:33 AM, Blogger clothosfate said...

here here... yeck, just the image of lukewarm non-meat, makes ME want to volcano. by the way I like your blog... you are a good writer, for a man. :P

April 13, 2005 11:39 AM, Blogger SJH said...

Attaboy! You're almost British. You know you've gone over when you're a better employee half drunk or completely lashed.

April 13, 2005 12:37 PM, Blogger Other Brother said...

See, I told you she likes you.

April 13, 2005 2:09 PM, Blogger Anonysis said...

aw, its a beautiful day, and there's a Cubs double header, so your game plan should involve hot dogs and beer as soon as you can manage it.

April 13, 2005 5:09 PM, Blogger if_i_had_a_hammer said...

even though it seems to be encouraged around here, i hate showing up at the office with a hangover; thankfully, i usually don't roll in until 11am.

the ultimate cheeseburger from jack in the box always works for me. if you don't have jack in the box in your area, almost any giant double toxic burger from your fast food joint of choice will clear that right up.

April 13, 2005 5:52 PM, Blogger OldHorsetailSnake said...

You should be happy too. The boss is going to be gone for at least 10 days. So you can get drunk 10 days in a row (like you always do, but this time you don't have to worry about going to work).

April 13, 2005 6:49 PM, Blogger Broccoli McGee said...

you hilarious bastard.

April 13, 2005 8:25 PM, Blogger simpleton said...

Cheeseburger Apocolypse would be a good name for a band, or a blog.

April 13, 2005 10:33 PM, Blogger Wino McHackenpuke said...

You see, Bottle Rocket? You see?

I predicted that we hadn't heard the last from clothosfate, and here we find her, milling about on the blogs that belong to the elite group of Handsomes.

What do you mean, "for a man," Clothofate? Everyone knows that history's best writers are (and continue to be) men!

Bake me a blueberry pie, on the double!

April 13, 2005 11:42 PM, Blogger Lightning Bug's Butt said...

How right you are. If I'm not happy, nobody's happy.

Or at least that's the way it should be.

April 14, 2005 12:23 AM, Blogger You've Got What I Need... said...

He was singing in falsetto... very suspect. Your boss probably was sucked off, but that doesn't mean he should tralala above middle "c"; it's just poor sportsmanship, as far as I'm concerned.

I'm sorry for your head pain, Steve. You should drink more water. It helps with the throbbing.

No joke.

April 14, 2005 1:38 AM, Blogger Mokuyobi said...

hey! You like Godspeed!! Although that has nothing to do with your post, "Clothosfate" (who, by the way is my harem girl) said something about you posting some comments and i should look at it what not then I did and I said "hey! This guy likes Godspeed! Kudos!" and so, Kudos.

also, maybe try kicking some grandmas. That makes me feel better when I'm down.

April 14, 2005 1:40 AM, Blogger Mokuyobi said...

PS...Sure maybe the best writers were men, but any man becomes a doormat for a young girl in a low cut shirt. So there. "Bake me a blueberry pie". Sheesh. Besides, what about Margaret Atwood? ANNE RICE?? the SLEEPING BEAUTY SERIES? Come on!

April 14, 2005 9:47 AM, Blogger clothosfate said...

Take that! You want blueberry pie you better go upstairs and ask your mama for one. Dusty you rock...Oh and don't forget about the high cut skirts, and big black boots! Men don't stand a chance.

April 14, 2005 3:16 PM, Blogger Wino McHackenpuke said...

The only women writers you can come up with are Margaret Atwood and Anne Rice, two trashy novelists?

You're funny. :)

Where's my PIE!?

April 14, 2005 11:38 PM, Blogger Mokuyobi said...

Harriet Beecher Stowe.

motherfucking charlotte and emily bronte! 'wuthering - mothafuckin - heights?'

jane austen. Harper Lee. Ayn Rand.


all very famous and not just trashy novelists. Do you even know who Anais Nin is?

April 15, 2005 1:29 AM, Blogger Wino McHackenpuke said...

Stowe's good.

And I believe Wuthering Heights is in my profile's list of books.

This is a better list.

April 15, 2005 1:07 PM, Blogger clothosfate said...

don't forget Marion Zimmer Bradley, Ursula LaGuin, Margret Atwood fucking rocks, Starhawk, I second Jane Austin and Anias Nin...


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