Tinfoil Viking Science: Animated Nostalgia Alchemy

Situation Normal. Atmosphere Breathable. Brainstem Injected. Dialogue Engaged.

Wednesday, May 04, 2005

Animated Nostalgia Alchemy

During my drive this morning I spied before me a green Grand Am with the license plate "SKUBY DU." In the back window sat ten or twelve plush toys in disturbing poses and guises. One Scooby Doo was dressed as a greaser, maybe the Fonz or James Dean. Another was a doctor. Another was Hawaiian. No punk mohawk Scooby, thankfully. What kind of adult buys vanity plates and decorates his car in the theme of a seventies cartoon?

I had to know the sex, age, and disposition of this strange driver. From behind, all I saw was the silhouette of a wide head with immobile dome hair. I maneuvered my way forward. It was an unshaven redhaired man wearing blackrimmed Velma glasses. He leaned forward over the wheel like a nearly blind grandmother terrified of raining anvils, yet his driving was superb, fast, loose and aggressive. He was about thirty, clad in slacker garb. A ragged t-shirt, a hemp necklace, a dangling cigarette.

I wondered what his home was like. Did he have a blow-up Daphne doll in his closet? Does he have a mystery van shower curtain? Certainly he wore themed boxers, pajamas, slippers, and tucked in under the official bedsheets every night.

Does he tell people with maddeningly frequency that Scooby is short for Scoobert? Do his friends call him Scoob? Scoobs? The Scoobster? No, they call him Shaggy for sure. The pot and the red hair are a dead giveaway. One thing was plain: this man smokes a lot of marijuana. Any adult that has an unheathly interest in an old cartoons falls into two categories: the stoner or the geek. The geeks latch onto cartoons like Transformers, Voltron, and the Thundercats. The stoners are stuck with shit like Scooby Doo, Fraggle Rock, and The Smurfs.

I actually liked the Smurfs, especially when they time travelled. I like time travel. It's cool.

I could just see this guy racing home after a long day working at the head shop to watch his favorite episode from season three while smoking a hookah. I can see him grinning through his fishlike expression while he exhales smoke rings he calls "the collar manuever." I can see his adam's apple bobbing as he recites the dialogue on cue. I can see his simpering jello eyes glisten and glaze as the weed takes effect. I can see him imitating Scooby's bark between shoveling handfuls of Tabasco Cheez-Its into his mouth. Cheez-its he gleefully and obnoxiously refers to as "scooby snacks" when he offers them to his deadbeat washed up stoner buddies. I can almost smell the patchouli. I'll bet this guy has a unifying theory of Scooby Doo and Bob Marley. I'll bet his jokes all suck.

I always hated that fucking cartoon.

12:20 PM - Bottle Rocket Fire Alarm

12 Comments:

May 04, 2005 12:24 PM, OldHorsetailSnake said...: I don't suppose you got his name and address??? In case he doesn't really have a blow-up doll he might like mine. Unless I enlarged the hole too much.
May 04, 2005 2:01 PM, Kerouaced said...: That was a funny observation. People that live in the past, especially within cartoons, scare me...
May 04, 2005 3:05 PM, Chicken said...: Instead of a hookah he would roll a Scoobie Doobie.
May 04, 2005 5:19 PM, Caroline said...: That is what I'm talking about. A refreshing break from a 1200 paper. If only I could figure out a way to incorporate "Does he tell people with maddeningly frequency that Scooby is short for Scoobert?" it to a paper about young adult literature.
May 04, 2005 5:55 PM, EcamirG said...: did you call fraggle rock shit? that makes me sad like a sad-faced smiley.
May 04, 2005 8:08 PM, Other Brother said...: I had a computer teacher in junior high who was convinced the Smurf were devil-worshippers. Of course we all sang the song and left Smurf stuff in her classroom all the time.
Scooby Doo was cool the first two times I watched it, then I caught on. It was always someone in a mask. Big fucking surprise.
Thundercats kick ass.
May 05, 2005 12:45 AM, Ray Nolan said...: I fall into the geek camp, but don't like any of the geek 'toons. You're still right, all my geek friends love them.

I liked the smurfs. Especially Johan and Peewee.
May 05, 2005 8:48 AM, Kerouaced said...: And another thing. Scrappy ruined the original Scooby Doo. I never met anyone that liked Scrappy. That damn puppy power crap grated on my young nerves and is the source of many of my modern day problems...I think.
May 05, 2005 9:16 AM, Chicken said...: Scrappy pissed me off too. I think that Captain Caveman went down hill when they added his son.
May 05, 2005 9:25 AM, c said...: How about Scooby's hillbilly cousin...what was his name?

Horrible.
May 05, 2005 10:26 AM, ... said...: I am in on the "I hate Scrappy" fan club too....and usually I like puppies...
May 05, 2005 2:48 PM, Wino McHackenpuke said...: I always prefered Scooby Doo to The Smurfs as a kid.

It was hardly a shock to discover that the 'hauntings' were always the work of insane adults, but I really enjoyed how it was such a gothic cartoon.

The Ghostbusters beat all, though.

Oh, and I see you've been trying out my suggestion. Visual aids help so much! :D