Friday, May 13, 2005
Stale Trail Mix
Dear Sneaky Bastard(s),
I'm not scared of you. Maybe you're an alien and you're afraid I'll expose your secret. Maybe you're afraid I'll raid the restaurant stockroom when you're closed on Monday. You wonder what would happen if I told people that I caught you dunking hypnotized people into giant buckets of flourescent snails. Snails that crawl inside them and eat something. Snails that excrete a glowing slime you cook and inject. Leaving mysterious mementos on my doorstep will not rattle me. It fails your objective to needle at my sanity. Jade turtles don't scare me.
I'm not scared of you. Maybe you're a government agent that has to investigate every potential threat made against the President. I didn't threaten anybody. So move on. You sadistic fucks think it's funny to sneak in my house and leave little statues on my oven, my television, and my dresser? I understand the imagery. I'm the fish and you're the bear, right? Go buy more plain sunglasses and leave me alone.
I'm not scared of you. I know you too well. All that satanic makeup, those gothic stuffed animals in nooses, the horror movie collection, the taped up cobwebs, the androgynous heavy metal, it's all a pose. I love prank calls too, and even practical jokes, but breaking and entering? To leave me statues of the guardians of the river Styx, or Baal, or whatever silly word you're worshipping this week? Okay. Thanks for the gargoyle, I guess.
Come together. Aliens, government spooks, Satanic fashionistas, gather all ye round my table. I sold those trinkets you so graciously donated. I bought alcohol. I can't wait to hear stories from your fascinating careers. Once we're drunk enough, I'll invite you to join a superhero team. I'll be the leader. We can have exciting adventures together.
8:47 AM - Bottle Rocket Fire Alarm
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