Tinfoil Viking Science: Stale Trail Mix

Situation Normal. Atmosphere Breathable. Brainstem Injected. Dialogue Engaged.

Friday, May 13, 2005

Stale Trail Mix

Dear Sneaky Bastard(s),

I'm not scared of you. Maybe you're an alien and you're afraid I'll expose your secret. Maybe you're afraid I'll raid the restaurant stockroom when you're closed on Monday. You wonder what would happen if I told people that I caught you dunking hypnotized people into giant buckets of flourescent snails. Snails that crawl inside them and eat something. Snails that excrete a glowing slime you cook and inject. Leaving mysterious mementos on my doorstep will not rattle me. It fails your objective to needle at my sanity. Jade turtles don't scare me.

I'm not scared of you. Maybe you're a government agent that has to investigate every potential threat made against the President. I didn't threaten anybody. So move on. You sadistic fucks think it's funny to sneak in my house and leave little statues on my oven, my television, and my dresser? I understand the imagery. I'm the fish and you're the bear, right? Go buy more plain sunglasses and leave me alone.

I'm not scared of you. I know you too well. All that satanic makeup, those gothic stuffed animals in nooses, the horror movie collection, the taped up cobwebs, the androgynous heavy metal, it's all a pose. I love prank calls too, and even practical jokes, but breaking and entering? To leave me statues of the guardians of the river Styx, or Baal, or whatever silly word you're worshipping this week? Okay. Thanks for the gargoyle, I guess.

Come together. Aliens, government spooks, Satanic fashionistas, gather all ye round my table. I sold those trinkets you so graciously donated. I bought alcohol. I can't wait to hear stories from your fascinating careers. Once we're drunk enough, I'll invite you to join a superhero team. I'll be the leader. We can have exciting adventures together.

8:47 AM - Bottle Rocket Fire Alarm

15 Comments:

May 13, 2005 9:02 AM, Bottle Rocket Fire Alarm said...: If you need to be moved to a diferent geographic category on the sidebar, say so. Some of you I guessed, and some I just left under Transcontinental since I have no idea where you live.

I'd be happy to fix you up. Just tell me Canada, West Coast, Midwest, South, East Coast, Or World.
May 13, 2005 9:36 AM, Wardo said...: You've been a busy bee today. I'm guessing the boss is out getting liquored up someplace. Either that, or you're just monstrously bored with your job. Imagine that.

-A
May 13, 2005 10:17 AM, Bottle Rocket Fire Alarm said...: My boss is watching Band Of Brothers DVDs on the company television while chugging Dr Pepper's and inhaling half microwave cooked Hot Pockets. He keeps spitting the cold ham chunks from the frozen middles at the wastebasket, and he keeps missing.

Meanwhile, I'm "working." I drew the 6am - 2pm shift today, so I get to leave early and get drunk before my friends. This way I can vomit on their shoes and chuckle sheepishly.

It's going to be a great day.
May 13, 2005 11:17 AM, Dogman said...: Your blogs a good read... I'll be back.
May 13, 2005 1:03 PM, OldHorsetailSnake said...: Rocket: "Let's Get Drunk" might be good state motto for Ol' Hoss. I be working on your suggestion. Right now I'm thinking: "He eats flies off his own wings." But it lacks something....
May 13, 2005 1:41 PM, Isabella said...: i like this post despite my increasingly serious consideration of giving up alcohol. its depressing, you know? i want pills and cocaine.

Waxing Pathetic and Diminished Fifth are in Ohio.

California deserves its own category. Please rectify the situation and put me in it.
May 13, 2005 1:45 PM, Bottle Rocket Fire Alarm said...: I'll scootch them, thank you.

You are in the California category! To paraphrase the late great Bill Hicks, Arizona Bay will be wonderful beachfront property once California sinks into the ocean.

And hey, you threatened to quit bloggin! Congrats on the work, it sounds wonderful for you, but you don't get to make demands after that!
May 13, 2005 1:49 PM, Lostinspace said...: Ha, ha, thanks for the humor on a Friday. And yes, I agree with Isabella. California deserves its' own space, dammit! :)
May 13, 2005 2:55 PM, Isabella said...: WTF? i didn't threaten to quit blogging, i threatened to create some distance -- i may actually have to work during day hours soon. do you know who i am? i'm fucking Isabella Wunder, goddamnit, i'm addicted to blogging and i'll make demands anytime i want!

whew. that felt good.

ok, now, back to business. I know i'm in your "california category" . . . i'm trying to tell you that California is an empire and identity unto itself. Say what you will but its true.
May 13, 2005 5:22 PM, Bottle Rocket Fire Alarm said...: Your halo/tiara is in the mail. Please don't leave us. I am stricken and lost without royalty to guide and light me.

I love California. I just love Bill Hicks, hyperbole, and obscure references more. You understand. I hope.
May 13, 2005 5:24 PM, Isabella said...: royalty? i see your point. i do have that kind of grace and sense of entitlement. yes. it does make sense after all. good work.
May 14, 2005 3:39 AM, Latigo Flint said...: California's been good to me. Hope it don't fall into the sea.

(And jade turtles scare the fuck out of me... second only to spiders of course.)

Ready, set go! (First one to drink himself to death is the winner.)
May 14, 2005 4:31 AM, Cindy-Lou said...: I always knew you were a superhero.
May 14, 2005 12:24 PM, clothosfate said...: one of my favorite Hicks lines went something like this...

Jesus looks down from heaven:

"Shit! There still wearing those damned crosses... I don't think they've got the idea. Better not go back yet!"
May 16, 2005 2:19 AM, Ray Nolan said...: I'm in.