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Tuesday, May 17, 2005

Mystery Shopper Demographic Analysis

Early on Sunday afternoon happenstance and circumstance collided like drunken hobos in the night. That's a bit overdramatic, but hey. I was surprised by frantic angry doorbell pressings at one in the afternoon. One of my roommate's relatives had gone grocery shopping for us. What a surprise! A secret santa had visted the grocery store after an uplifting worshipping session at a local papal stroke center. I am truly grateful for free food. I would not spit in the face of help. And yet, I cannot pass up this opportunity to reflect.

Why were we chosen? Why did we recieve this bounty?

Perhaps somebody had whispered:

"Those filth stricken imbecilic freaks cannot feed themselves. Those boys are laying on their couches chugging beers, smoking joints, masturbating, playing video games, and eating Twinkies. They fart and giggle all day long without washing dishes or clothes, and they've become encrusted with some sort of former pizza sauce that's mold-morphed into a sentient exoskeleton that's consciously accelerating their depravity. Somebody go feed them! Inject them with vitamins and minerals! Sprinkle green Comet brand chemical sanitizer upon their greasy skin until they sneeze themselves off their couches! Make them wash!"

What a terrible impression. They think so lowly of me. I am an employed citizen who pays bills and enjoys mediocre credit. I shower once or twice daily and I even spend the occasional day sober. I can't speak for my roommate. I'll let him defend himself. That impression was likely derived from anecdotes of his behavior, not mine.

Let's wade throught the items and find out what they really mean. Shall we?

Chips Ahoy Deluxe Double Chocolate Chip Cookies, 1 bag.

I don't eat storebought cookies. While I usually love processed foods with large amounts of coloring agents and preservatives, cookies do not qualify. I like cookies fresh from the oven, preferrably made by my mommy. I suppose this purchase was intended to prevent me from suffering a sugar jones. She didn't want me to dive into a barrel of gummy bears at the candy store and do a backstroke through them, rubbing myself down with the rainbow gelatins, mashing them against my sugar starved gums.

Oscar Meyer Weiners, 1 package, 12 dogs.

This food is meant to indicate that I am a child who still has peanut butter from his lunchtime sandwich dripping from his chin. This food is intended to be dinner. These weiners are an amalgamation of pig lips and assholes ground into paste and reformed into dick-shaped flesh-toned jello logs. For children. They even put some oozing cheese in some of them so the kids won't freak out when they see STDs in ten years.

Also included were those mealy whitebread buns that are better balled up and thrown at other children than actually eaten. Fucking gross, all of it.

Hamburgers, one dozen, preformed, frozen.

Ah, frozen burger planks. They clack on the counter. Apparently I'm so ignorant that garlic powder, onion flakes, and Worchesteshire sauce are beyond the realm of my awareness. Those idiot boys can't form a patty! Give them something they can cook by knocking the toaster on its side!

She also bought more of that nasty breadlike bun material product, this time shaped in squares with rounded off corners.

Toilet paper, double-ply, three rolls.

Bought in the fervent hope that I was taught as a child not to shit in my pants. Buying this was a calculated risk, but since there's no one around to change my diapers, might as well buy something that could potentially be used in an asswiping situation.

Chorizo, two sticks.

Holy shit! Faith in action! Here's a glimmer of hope that I might have the patience to stand in front of a pan for ten whole minutes. Assuming I'm smart enought to squeeze the greased meat out of the platic tubing, that is. If not, the roomie and I will die by melted plastic toxin ingestion.

As it happens, I've already used this. I made chorizo vegetable soup on Sunday night, and it was damn good. (I had to go buy vegetables.) My roommate hijacked the last of it and sequestered it away in the back of the refrigerater for later consumption. Easy, killer.

Eggs, one dozen.

My stock is rising by the paragraph. She thinks I can fry an egg! Without leaving eggshell shrapnel in it! Awesome! I need to invite her over for an omelette. I'll even wear clean clothes and speak in complete sentences.

Bread, three loaves, two white, one raisin.

I hate white bread. Occasionally I'll use it for grilled cheese, but even then it takes half a stick of butter burned to it to make it worthwhile for me. Actually french toast, too. I hope my roommate eats white bread, or there's gonna be some happy ducks in my neighborhood.

Raisin bread is great. She even bought some spread butter for it. Spread butter is for lazy assholes. She nailed that one.

Pizzas, two frozen, Tombstone brand.

Yeah, okay. Sure.

Beef ribs, two racks, in that reddish orange Mexican marinade.

I don't have a grill. Shit. I'll figure out how to make these in the oven. She really took a stab here. I admire that. Between this and the chorizo she must think that somebody around here made it past elementary school. Which I did.

Dear relative,

I love free food. Thank you so much for buying it for us. I will eat it every day.
11:10 AM - Bottle Rocket Fire Alarm


May 17, 2005 11:28 AM, Blogger Dave Morris said...

An amalgamation of pig lips and assholes ground into paste and reformed into dick-shaped flesh-toned jello logs.

Burger planks.

More pure magic. And although the whole "gift horse in the mouth" thing comes to mind, I'd be wondering too.

Sort of a "what the fuck? But uh, thanks" thing.

May 17, 2005 12:22 PM, Blogger Isabella said...

What? no velveeta?

You need some hippie/gucci food, stat: pesto, salsa, irish cheddar, olives, tortillas, sour cream or plain yoghurt, tomatoes, basil, garlic, chicken breasts, etc. . . i like food.

May 17, 2005 12:23 PM, Blogger Kerouaced said...

"Ah, frozen burger planks. They clack on the counter." Nice. They do "clack." Great late night half cooked drunken snack...

May 17, 2005 1:55 PM, Blogger Anonysis said...

you know you're going to eat those cookies. You know the chips ahoy commercials where the cookie hops around and talks, laughs, has a personality? Doesn't it just tug at your belly?

May 17, 2005 1:57 PM, Blogger HarleyWriter said...

This is very helpful. I've thought of one day going to the grocery story.

May 17, 2005 2:10 PM, Blogger Bottle Rocket Fire Alarm said...

Isabella, I boil things. I'm good at it. It sounds easy, and it is. It does't take skill. But it does take effort. And time.

Sis, no. I would love to kill the dancing singing chocolate, but not with my teeth. With a shovel. Or my urine.

May 17, 2005 2:35 PM, Blogger Lostinspace said...

if i am ever in illinois, i will bake you fresh cookies. yes, please send the mystery relative over here. i need someone to do that for me :). i don't eat oscar weiners, but i suppose i could.

May 17, 2005 3:22 PM, Blogger Mister Jinxy said...

We just went to Whole Foods and I have just one question:

If all the Vegans and Lefties out there are so into organic foods and compassion for the poor and downtrodden, then why can't they find a way to make the shit in their store a little less fucking expensive?

May 17, 2005 4:10 PM, Blogger P/O said...

love the explanation for the existence of freaky cheese-stuffed hot dogs!

May 17, 2005 4:23 PM, Blogger Stace said...

Can we send that relative to Texas, THANKS

May 17, 2005 5:03 PM, Blogger simpleton said...

I'm a leftie and I think organic foods are a scam.

May 17, 2005 5:25 PM, Blogger Chris said...

food as scam. fascinating.

i don't like store boughts either. when i see the cookie man, i think of how long he could live in my house without being eaten and how much his stale life would suck after only a few weeks of being out of the package. have another drink, cookie...we're going to be here a while.

May 17, 2005 6:09 PM, Blogger OldHorsetailSnake said...

No staff of life? (Tostitos)

No staff of life? (Cream of wheat)

No staff of life? (Beer)

Son, you're going to starve to death.

May 17, 2005 8:54 PM, Blogger Mishka said...

Chorizo and eggs is a good combination that stuff.

Burger planks are just my days a fast food restaurant (don't know why this keeps coming up today) we had to use those and we would actually bang them on the grill to separate them.

It is amazing that you can make a trip to the grocery store interesting. I applaud your talent.

May 18, 2005 9:09 AM, Blogger karen gsteiger said...

I hate those "kid's foods" commercials where the food product is anthropomorphic and wants to save its own life. Creeps me out. Like the Chips Ahoy cookie...or I think Pop Tarts have similar commericials.

In the meantime, you can find the world's best chocolate chip cookie recipe at Let Tako the Octopus show you the way! The secret is the cake flour.


May 18, 2005 11:07 AM, Blogger Lightning Bug's Butt said...

Your food philosophy rivals the work of Aristotle.

I always hated hotdogs, though.

May 18, 2005 12:49 PM, Blogger Cindy-Lou said...

I was going to advise you to scramble the eggs with the chorizo too, but Mishka beat me to it. You could live for weeks on that food. It is quite funny that you're a charity case now though.

May 18, 2005 5:49 PM, Blogger OldHorsetailSnake said...

Rocket: I finally remembered to tell you how much I appreciate your funny (and uplifting, erudite, consciousness-raising) comments at my place. Sometimes I read them and say to myself, "What did I just get hit with?" With the aid of several dictionaries, I manage to understand.

May 18, 2005 11:01 PM, Blogger couchpotato said...

Am feeling rather, curiously, hungry.

*pant* *pant*

Think am getting crazier than I thought I was.


May 18, 2005 11:44 PM, Blogger ty bluesmith said...


May 18, 2005 11:47 PM, Blogger ty bluesmith said...

yo can i share?

May 18, 2005 11:51 PM, Blogger ty bluesmith said...

yo can i share?

May 18, 2005 11:52 PM, Blogger ty bluesmith said...

sorry about that. i'm high.

May 19, 2005 7:00 AM, Blogger Bottle Rocket Fire Alarm said...

Thank you all. I like chorizo and eggs, and chorizo flautas a whole lot.

Thanks, Hoss.

John, here you go bud. Cookies are all yours.

May 19, 2005 10:08 AM, Blogger Matteus Von Mustard said...

This post was awesome, the amount of depth you dredged out of an incident that other people would hardly notice... also your paranoid delusion about teenage/twentysomething male roomates... amazing.

May 19, 2005 1:48 PM, Blogger ErntsBloggo said...

No beer?


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