Tinfoil Viking Science: Calcium Deposits

Situation Normal. Atmosphere Breathable. Brainstem Injected. Dialogue Engaged.

Tuesday, May 24, 2005

Calcium Deposits

My employer has a big hardware unveiling at a restaurant in Wisconsin today. I've been invited. Attendance is optional. I thought about attending. I would love to drive my unreliable expolding vehicle 100 miles straight north along the lake to shake their hands. I'd love to traverse the open country all afternoon long to arrive at a fast food joint that I could've visited two blocks from work. And I'd still have to pay for my sandwich? Wear a button shirt and slacks? Holy shit. I think I've got diarrhea. Yep. Sorry, can't go.

I think I'm going to stay here. To be fair, while I was encouraged to attend, and it would be the proper cheerleading asskissing chuckleheaded thing to do, they didn't make it mandatory. They would understand my decision to decline since my boss put me on the 6am shift this week. My sleep schedule is so fucked up I would probably nod off on a sparkling Wisconsin toilet. I can picture it already:

I can hear my snoring. I can see ribbons of shredded lettuce fluttering from my mouth, anchored between teeth, rusting quickly in the heat of my breath. I can see smears of unwiped mustard and mayonaise encrusting around my mouth, flakes of oregano poking out like tiny stegosaurus blades. My pants sit around my ankles. Thank god this store is new and the floor is pristine, or I'd have drain flies beginning to nest. The auto-flusher keeps triggering whenever I twitch or snore too loud, and the spray is keeping my ass perpetually moistened. I'm so relaxed that my shit is skydiving out in small little recreational clusters, enjoying the novelty of getting out without being pushed or squeezed. Outside, my boss is beginning to worry, unable to do anything for fear of creating an embarassing scene for our fair company.

I am tempted to go for one reason. I love visiting the tourist trap cheese shops right over the border. I love cheese. Goudas, Cheddars, Muensters, Bricks, you name it, they have all the best there. After brief consideration and reflection, I am deterred by milk. Milk? Yes.

When I wrote about the surprise grocery bounty last week I neglected to mention the two gallons of two percent. I already had a full untouched carton before all the free stuff arrived. That adds up to three gallons total for you math whizzes out there, and the first had a sell-by date of May 17th. Since Sunday I've been drinking a lot of milk. Every day. Don't do that.

My skin feels soft and squishy, my brains feels like yogurt, my bowels have just begun stewing the most disgusting farts of my life, and I have slimy white clumps of leftover enzymes squirting out of my facial pores like a thousand little toothpaste nozzles. I can't talk without phlegm bubbles foaming and popping in my throat. It's fucking gross. Want some cheese? No. Tonight I'm going to burn all the curdled sludge away with whiskey and hot sauce.

Sorry boss. Sorry Wisconsin. Maybe next time.

7:30 AM - Bottle Rocket Fire Alarm

13 Comments:

May 24, 2005 8:04 AM, Kerouaced said...: That much dairy in your system could be a potentialy nasty road trip companion. What if your exploding car really exploded and you were strained on the highway with all that dairy gurgling in your stomach. I prefer not to think about it...
May 24, 2005 12:08 PM, Stace said...: Maybe you are lactose intolerant? Good idea on staying home though. And really what does the world look like at 6am?
May 24, 2005 12:20 PM, Bottle Rocket Fire Alarm said...: Stace, I'm okay with dairy. It's only when I drink gallons of milk through a moldy beer bong that I get digestive challenges. I drank two gallons in two days, almost, plus some chili-cheese fries yesterday.

I was asking for the trots. My poo is so pulpy I could sculpt brown Gumby statues with it, and they would work as great bedny toys for weeks before decomposing.

I'm not that immature though. Instead I'm going to ball the poops up and practice my four seam fastball at the traffic passing my apartment.
May 24, 2005 1:37 PM, Vance Jefferson said...: Would they make you wear any Flair?
May 24, 2005 5:24 PM, OldHorsetailSnake said...: I love it when you take a crap on my time. Especially the kind that comes in "recreational clusters." That's so good it almost makes sense.
May 24, 2005 7:41 PM, Other Brother said...: Go pop a squat at that construction site next to your house. Preferably on some of the noisier equipment. That'll teach 'em.
May 24, 2005 10:58 PM, Lostinspace said...: whenever i eat cheese, it kills me. hey how come you are always sleeping at work? :)
May 25, 2005 1:02 AM, Cav said...: I heard most milk (non organic) is puss. Awesome huh?

anywho...say your name on my friends blog....and wanted to say hola...
so...

Hola
May 25, 2005 10:33 AM, Dave Morris said...: I've done a lot of things on the toilet. Read, type (laptop), thumb wrestle myself (I always win), focus intently on a spot on the floor wondering what caused it, vomited voluminously, knitted (shut up)... but I've never slept there.

I feel I've been missing one of life's simple pleasures.
May 25, 2005 12:17 PM, ... said...: Once again, you have outdone yourself...you have me craving cheese and ready to vomit all in the same paragraph....
May 25, 2005 1:14 PM, Wardo said...: Sorry, Mom. Sorry, God.
May 30, 2005 8:23 PM, Anonymous said...: well falling asleep on the toilet may be one of the more exciting things to do in wisconsin. except drinking. a lot. and i mean a lot.

but alcohol and milk are bitter enemies and usually wage war in my stomach when combined. then i have a really bad day.

that's what happens when you live in wisconsin until age 21. you learn stupid things like milk and beer don't mix. yaaay wisconsin.
December 14, 2005 1:59 PM, Anonymous said...: Thank you for the information on minerials and supplements. I am going to be starting my own blog on calcium absorbtion and found your posting to be very helpful.