Tinfoil Viking Science: Squirrels With Attitudes

Situation Normal. Atmosphere Breathable. Brainstem Injected. Dialogue Engaged.

Tuesday, May 31, 2005

Squirrels With Attitudes

Good morning. What a lazy, contemptible weekend I just spent. Much like the rest of my fair country, I honored America's dead soldiers yesterday. Different folks have different ways of showing their gratitude, and I am no different.

Get that squirrel a flak jacket, an assault rifle, and ship him off.

I sat around like a bag of pudding. I spread out over my furniture and let my limbs splay out. I made no effort whatsoever to support even one ounce of my flesh. My arms dangled from the sides of my plush chair, my head lolled back against the cushion, and my eyelids only opened halfway. Occasionally I made the effort to push a button or two on my remote. Several times I napped.

I watched sports. Nothing says "thanks for your noble sacrifice" like nine straight hours of baseball. I threw wide the windows and the perfect weather swept in, constantly refreshing me. I was still shower fresh halfway through the second game. I felt I was a gleaming infant. Well, barring the occasional profanity I muttered at the swarthy baseball umpires inside my television. I suppose I was more like a gruff talking infant with facial stubble and a soggy cigar. Sort of.

Finally, I made food. I boiled a few pig necks and made vegetable soup with them. I made a pepperoni pizza with six cheeses on premade crust. I was pleased with myself. Of course I chose to ignore the few nitpicks about the pizza and soup, comforting myself with the thought that I made the effort, and therefore I get things my way. Complainers can go eat dry toast.

My next door neighbors celebrated differently. They began on Monday night at 10:30pm. They grilled hamburgers, smoked blunts, blasted Cypress Hill, threw down slang, and threw up gang signs like they just didn't care. It always makes me happy to see docile boring suburban white children imitate music videos. It's even better when they get tattoos on their knuckles that read BORN 2DIE. These kids are the same as the role-playing types, except these ones haven't figured out they're playing roles yet. They're not smoking crack, throwing dice, or bustin' caps yet, but I can dream. I managed to refrain from starting trouble. I wanted to hide around the corner yelling "Holla!" while they zipped around looking for the perpetrator, constantly tripping over their low-slung pants.

Okay, time for me to get some work done. Time to purge all the tasks that have built up like infectuous diseases in a humid asylum. I really don't feel like interrupting my lazy streak, but I have no choice. It's gonna take a lot of chemical sanitzer to erase this scum:

Not my actual job. I am not a custodian. No, I don't know what the purple stuff is, so don't ask me.

11:30 AM - Bottle Rocket Fire Alarm

14 Comments:

May 31, 2005 12:04 PM, Kerouaced said...: I misread this at one point and thought you said you ate six pizzas instead of a six cheese pizza. I was thinking damn that Steve can really eat. Soon the gangsta types next door won't be his biggest problem it will be getting a crane to hoist himself out of his bedroom...also, good one as usual.
May 31, 2005 12:29 PM, Wardo said...: I misread the six-pizza thing too. I thought that was a hell of a lot of food, since you expended maybe 80 calories total being a lump of pudding all day.

That photo is bizarre...I think the purple stuff is the remains of Hunter S. Thompson's liver...oozing and coagulating on the floor...

-A
May 31, 2005 1:20 PM, Anonymous said...: I misread the pizza part too.
I know you can at least take down 2 larges all day eating style.

I recognize those kids on your blog. I don't remember where i saw it. It might have been on a redneck site or something.

The purple stuff in the laundry section........my guess it looks to me that it's one of the 1000 toilet flusher cleaner juice that some one is washing their laundry with.
May 31, 2005 1:43 PM, OldHorsetailSnake said...: Somebody get away with the hog HEADS? Too bad. They look really good in the beds of kids BORN 2DIE.

Also good in soup. Better than neck.
May 31, 2005 1:51 PM, SS said...: LOL! i also miss read the pizza thing. i was thinking 'damn! who can eat six pizza's?'.
May 31, 2005 2:23 PM, Vance Jefferson said...: Squirrel!
Oh-three-hundred, infantry! You made it!
May 31, 2005 2:37 PM, Bottle Rocket Fire Alarm said...: Okay, I changed it. It no longer reads "a six cheese pepperoni pizza."
May 31, 2005 2:48 PM, Stace said...: Ok the first 3 pictures were ok, I understood them. Now that last one. . .I might have been able to do without. :) But glad you managed to do NOTHING on Memorial day.
May 31, 2005 7:31 PM, Kilroy Trout said...: Than last photo makes me hungry for chorizo.
May 31, 2005 11:35 PM, Wino McHackenpuke said...: I want to shoot that squirrel - and then eat it.
June 01, 2005 9:50 AM, clothosfate said...: "Complainers can go eat dry toast."

I loved this line, and please forgive me if I use it on a few of my lazy-ass friends. An excellent waste of time!
June 01, 2005 12:05 PM, Anonymous said...: "Several times I napped."

How could you tell? Is there a trick? Lazy off days like that, I'm never sure if I was asleep or not.
June 01, 2005 12:20 PM, Isabella said...: sometimes when i call my mom around 5 or so and ask her what she did that day, the response, "i peed", is about the most impressive thing i can hope to hear. ah, kudos to both you and my mom.
June 01, 2005 8:13 PM, Bottle Rocket Fire Alarm said...: Pat, it was wiggaz.com.

Jinxy! Good for you on your abstinence. I encourage family over internet attention whoring any day of the week. Some of my favorites have quit for the very same reason, and I'll always respect that.

Stace, my one true talent is being gross. I found that picture while trolling for a good stomach picture for my chorizo entry last friday. Apparently that's the stomach contents of some massive deep sea monster. I had to use it somehow, so I'm using it as a loose comparison to my work tasks.

Clothos, John, thank you both.

Al, the key is innings. If the last thing I saw was a Neifi Perez strikeout in the top of the 3rd, and the next thing I see is a Derrek Lee homer in the top of the 6th, I can extrapolate.

Isabella, isn't life glorious?