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Friday, February 18, 2005

Now I Can Whistle

Today I had the luck to be sent back to Bridgeview. I ordered a porkchop from a little shack at 79th and Harlem early this afternoon. They make you wait outside in the freezing cold. There is no inside dining, just a moldy picnic bench under a plastic awning out front. I don't wear a jacket, a fact I recall sharing with you previously. I did not shiver despite the arctic gale. The other patrons were four firemen clad in full black rubber suits. They also wore those stupid pointy hats and had pickaxes hanging from their belts. They were scary and so were their walkie-talkies. I don't think they liked me.

My pork chop sandwich came with mustard and grilled onions just like a Maxwell Street polish sausage. A sharp bone in it stabbed through my cheek. Blood trickled out and a homeless guy started licking my face in case any of the pork chop juice seeped through. All he got was some mustard. I kicked him in the left kneecap and he fell to the ground and rolled onto his back, mewling like a baby chimpanzee. I pulled the bone out through my cheek and threw it at him like a dart. He pulled it out of his eye and nibbled on the meager flesh scraps loosely clinging to the bone. That might've been my flesh or the pigs, I don't care.

I looked at the firemen. They stopped chewing. Quickly they averted their collective gaze as if to say "We just spray water and catch babies flung from windows, we don't caulk cheeks, so don't look here for help." Maybe I was putting words in their brain, but I doubt it. The message was pretty clear to me.

I ordered a polish for the road. Hopefully I can seal the hole in my face with some congealed grilled onions. Otherwise everytime I drink sodapop I'm going to have fizzy foam squirting out. That might be fun at family gatherings but it's not very attractive at the library.

I'm sure it will heal eventually. That'll teach me to eat sandwiches with bones in them.
3:25 PM - Bottle Rocket Fire Alarm

6 Comments:

February 18, 2005 6:42 PM, Blogger Lightning Bug's Butt said...

Just squirt some Fix-A-Flat in your mouth.

Works like a charm.

 
February 18, 2005 6:49 PM, Blogger ty bluesmith said...

and take lots of ephedra. and drink. and then later, make sure the blinds are all the way closed and, umm,

you know, to the Internet

 
February 18, 2005 8:37 PM, Blogger Kerouaced said...

It's wise to be weary of the homeless. I was accosted by a scruffy homeless man. He used his guitar like a lance and tried to push me out onto the street because I got to close to him his shopping cart.

Those comments you put on my blog about seniors were hilarious. Tooth glue and tinkle pants.

 
February 19, 2005 9:34 PM, Blogger ~kimberly~ said...

Nooo dont fill it up...make a bay window out of it. Then you can go to schools and show teenage girls... "This is what happens when you get a bone in your mouth." Might cut down on teen pregnancies?

 
February 20, 2005 3:38 AM, Blogger sCruuw said...

I had to pay 40 dollars to get my cheek peirced! Here you got it done for free! Lucky fucker!

 
February 21, 2005 10:54 AM, Blogger sic said...

Hey! Since I'm so popular with the Homeless, I consider it my duty to stand up for them, or else they might not love me anymore and then how would I build my army?

I forget. What was the question?

 

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