Situation Normal. Atmosphere Breathable. Brainstem Injected. Dialogue Engaged.
Wednesday, February 16, 2005

Mudflap Welcome Mat

I was only a mile away from work this morning when I stopped behind a pale, banana-yellow, jeep-like vehicle manufactured at least twenty years ago. In the back window was a Git-R-Done decal and another stencilled on the front windshield: Redneck. In red letters, of course.

I was immediately reminded of a field contractor my company employs. This guy attended school with me. He was a shy, geeky guy that had an unhealthy obsession with the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

I didn't see him for seven years until we hired him and he showed up in the biggest pickup truck I've ever seen. It was black as death and decorated with confederate flags, stickers of angry looking bald eagles, a shotgun rack, and huge muffler pipes aimed to the sky like a big rig's. It was terrifying. What happened to this guy? I know he's not a real redneck. He's a geeky suburban kid.

Now he wears camoulflage and carries the Skoal Points catalog in his ass pocket. His voice is too low and mumbly for me to discern whether there's a fake southern drawl thing going on. I have to assume he suffered brain damage from huffing too much paint thinner with his toothless grain alcohol chugging buddies.

I want to hang out with them one day. I've always wondered if it would be fun to hold squirrels in a bucket of gasoline until they reach the near drowning point, let them go, and then throw matches at the sopping little critters.

I've also never had the opportunity to laugh more loudly than necessary at things like "Dang I kint seem ta git mah hand around ta mah mud slope deez daze!"

I like cheap beer and farting so I'm sure we'll have something in common.

I got to work and the yellow obscenity pulled in behind me. It had turned away 3 minutes before. As it turns out he'd been taking a short cut that saved no time. It was the very same pseudo-hick that works for us. I didn't ask what happened to the black truck.
9:10 AM - Bottle Rocket Fire Alarm


February 16, 2005 11:10 AM, Blogger ty bluesmith said...

cheap beer is okay when your mooching friends are over. have you ever tried delirium tremens or nocturnum delirium? whoosh.

February 16, 2005 11:14 AM, Blogger Bottle Rocket Fire Alarm said...

My former roomie is insanely crazy about Delerium beer. I tried it once and it tasted like electric apples. I think. Very good.

I balk at the notion of spending $7 on a single pint when I can have a 12 pack of Old Style for the same.

February 16, 2005 11:23 AM, Blogger Other Brother said...

When you can't afford decent brew, head for the mountains of Busch... beer.

February 16, 2005 12:11 PM, Blogger ty bluesmith said...

i'm not gonna argue the price thing becuz you're right. but i'm telling you, sierra nevada bigfoot is 10 bucks for a six pack at 9.6 delicious percent alcohol. it's like drinking wine, but you don't look like such a pussy, or have red teeth.

February 16, 2005 12:27 PM, Blogger ang said...

Pabst Blue Ribbon. Award winnong beer (of 1886- or something over 100 years ago). $6.00 a 12-pack

Good shite!

February 16, 2005 2:21 PM, Blogger bethany said...

If you want cheap beer that only tastes slightly like rotten ass go Schlitz all the way.

February 16, 2005 3:14 PM, Blogger Bottle Rocket Fire Alarm said...

Thanks for the ideas, all. I don't buy the whole stigma that cheap beers suck. Not true, go macrobrew! I like my Old Style. I like the shameless marketing Cubs can campaign they run each summer. Sometimes I switch it up and go with Old Milwaukee which tastes great when it's nearly frozen.

TBlue, is the bigfoot anything like their Pale Ale? Because if it is, I'll pass. Sierra Nevada Pale Ale is quite possibly the most digusting alcohol I've tried. It tasted like sweat strained from Chris Farley's jockstrap.

February 16, 2005 3:21 PM, Blogger Lightning Bug's Butt said...

Moral to the story: Rednecks don't know any good shortcuts.

February 16, 2005 4:03 PM, Blogger ty bluesmith said...

no. nothing like their pale ale at all. i equally hate that nasty water. in fact, i probably hate all pale ale.

i'm not saying bigfoot is the best thing ever. but coors light and miller and every other shitty beer have burned a hole at the top of my stomach and they no longer do anything except make me tired unless i drink fifteen-ish. and then i start in on the aliens and the lizards and the government and get all grabby with the females and everyone either laughs at me or gets mad and i soon find myself alone with my internet porn.

oh, and you're a cubs fan, then?
i was until WGN and Fox decided to fuck me over on how their games are carried nationally. the cubs were a big part of my summer, come el wimbledon y the us open.

then, once the cubs get decent, blam, no more almost every game.

so, now i'm all about the sox. i love it when they win in interleague.

and please, call me john.

February 16, 2005 4:47 PM, Blogger Bottle Rocket Fire Alarm said...

There, I rewrote this entry. It was all blocky and sluggish, like a fourwheeler once you pee in the gas tank. Better now.

Yep, I am a Cubs fan. I don't hate the White Sox but I do find the inferiority complex their local fans hold to be really funny.

They resort to insulting Wrigley Field and being happy that the White Sox beat the Cubs even if the Indians finish ahead of them. It's great.

February 16, 2005 9:04 PM, Blogger Dave Morris said...

Quick clarification, Farley's strap pre-death or now?


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