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Friday, February 11, 2005

Polished And Waxed

I saw something about dead skin cells and gallons of sweat. I think it was a detergent advertisement during the Superbowl. I haven't done my laundry in two weeks now. This is made possible by the large quantities of socks and underwear I received for Christmas. I may be out of fresh pants and shirts, but the really important garments are still in stock. They fill a whole load by themselves. When I put them in the washer they scream "No, No! We can't breathe underwater, we'll bleed and shrink, this isn't fair! You step on us and sit on us and this is our reward? Fuck you buddy! Prepare to be itchy next time you need something from me!" It's a whole chorus of voices in unison, high and twangy. (They are strings after all)

Back to my shirts and pants. I have one big pile, but its sorted mentally into three groups.

Clean, not worn since the previous wash. These are available for usage. Today the only items left here either don't fit or I hate them.

Dirty. Worn and slathered in sweat, mud, pizza sauce, or whiskey. These cannot be worn under any circumstances until they are washed.

In-between. These have been worn but no exertion or accidents occurred while they were worn. Therefore there is no offending odor or rorshacht blots on them. These are important. These are the clothes that I can wear a second time.

According to my new knowledge, these clothes have a gallon of sweat and quarter of a sandwich baggy full of dead skin in them. Invisible. Did they really need to tell me this? No, I'm not grossed out or disturbed by this. I'm not the kind of person that freaks out because there might be some germs on a door handle. When people cough or sneeze in my face I don't care about the sickness. What bothers me is that I have to wipe mist or mucus off my eyelids, or that the offender has tuna breath. As George Carlin said, my immune system needs germs to practice on so it can be strong.

I am bothered by the sharing of this information for a different reason. It is leading our society down the wrong path. People already use too much hand sanitizer and soap and so forth. I'm not against cleanliness. I shower every morning. I'm against these obsessive compulsions to unnaturally dehumanize everything. I brush my teeth every day, but if I floss daily, my gums will bleed. So there might be some plaque between them sometimes. Big deal. I use deodorizer, because I sweat profusely when exerting myself and I don't want to smell like blue cheese dressing. But I don't understand anti-persperant. That's taking the notion too far. Some things were just meant to be.

I expect that soon they'll show us graphic displays of the poo slime that gets caught in our sphincter wrinkles. They'll have a very special, very expensive flossing machine for people to attach to their exits that will spread and wipe each little crevice.

Those dead skin cells? I'm sure they'll be able to add some chemical to your showerhead that will melt off your top skin layer once a week. You'll look rosy, too! No mention that the flush is because your blood is that much closer to the surface of your epidermis. You know somebody will find a way to use this as a murder weapon. Just picture that.

And sweat? Buy your own body thermostat! It'll keep you cool or warm so your nervous system doesn't get so stressed all the time. You won't need sweat glands, so have them removed. If the stat breaks down, just fork over some more cash for repair or we'll boil you alive with your own blood. Free pacemaker if you buy a maintenance contract.

Nope, I don't like where this personal hygiene trend is going. It almost makes me want to become an unwashed hippie scumfuck. Almost. The truth is, there's nothing horrible enough to make me listen to reggae or wear tye-dye.
10:31 AM - Bottle Rocket Fire Alarm


February 11, 2005 11:18 AM, Blogger ang said...

IF you had a dog you would have more than 3 piles, and you would also own at least one lint roller.

It is a sad state of affairs.

February 11, 2005 2:03 PM, Blogger bethany said...

2 weeks ain't nothing! It has been possibly more than a month since I did laundry. Guess who's going comando tomorrow?

February 11, 2005 2:34 PM, Blogger sic said...

Over-sanitisation is bad. Under-sanitisation is bad. Somewhere in there, there must be a tolerable level.

Oh, and to Angela: I have the second hairiest dog on the planet and no lint roller. Where I go, his hair goes with me. My chair at work looks as if he'd been sitting in it.

February 11, 2005 2:35 PM, Blogger JD said...

"It almost makes me want to become an unwashed hippie scumfuck. Almost. The truth is, there's nothing horrible enough to make me listen to reggae or wear tye-dye."

But you listen to Wilco, so you are already half-way there!

February 11, 2005 2:45 PM, Blogger Bottle Rocket Fire Alarm said...

Bzzzt! Wrong answer!

Wilco... hippie music? Wilco has ranged from whiskey chugging country-rockers to heroin-injecting Prozac-popping interference noise rock, but hippie music has never been part of their spectrum.

The one time Wilco did use weird, lush, colorful instrumentation, most of the music was about depression, spousal abuse, and paranoia. That was Summerteeth, a pretty good album.

Thanks for visiting and commenting, though.

February 11, 2005 2:49 PM, Blogger Bottle Rocket Fire Alarm said...

Sorry for the hostility. I take music a little too seriously sometimes.

I'd love to hear how the Wilco and hippies correlate in your mind. I'm truly mystified.

To me, that's like saying that KC & The Sunshine Band is death metal.

February 11, 2005 3:37 PM, Blogger ~kimberly~ said...

Yeah...if you need me, ill be in the bathroom testing alternate uses for that sphincter machine. *smirks*

February 11, 2005 4:24 PM, Blogger Other Brother said...

If everyone developed an OCD complex and washed their hands 500 times a day, the only bacteria that would survive would be resistant to the antibiotics used in most handsoaps. That's why it's best to use regular old soap. Like Iory, which kills germs by physical means. No amount of evolution will prevent them from bursting if engorged with enough water.
Thanks for the tip and yes, I'm a DT fan. The last book threw me for a loop, though.

February 11, 2005 5:21 PM, Blogger Cindy-Lou said...

Congratulations on being the only person to ever use the words "poo slime" in a blog post. At least I believe that to be true, I have to say I can't know that for sure. I followed you over from Lightning Bug's blog, you're a funny guy. And I've got to love anyone who bear-hugs a keg.

February 11, 2005 7:48 PM, Blogger Lightning Bug's Butt said...

You make an astute observation, Soap. I think the personal hygene trend peaked with the bikini wax.

February 11, 2005 8:45 PM, Blogger Stace said...

I don't bathe, I don't shower, I just use a lot of perfume on the clothes that are in the "dirty" pile. so TAKE THAT!!!

February 11, 2005 9:33 PM, Blogger CJ Stone said...

Admit it: you already are a hippy. Ha!

February 12, 2005 10:37 AM, Blogger Dave Morris said...

My wife is completely appalled by the "pit sniff." It's truly the only way to know if the shirt is second- or third-wearable.

I could see her point if I asked HER to do the sniffing, but for chrissake, it's my own spleesh. What do I care?


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