Friday, February 11, 2005
Polished And Waxed
I saw something about dead skin cells and gallons of sweat. I think it was a detergent advertisement during the Superbowl. I haven't done my laundry in two weeks now. This is made possible by the large quantities of socks and underwear I received for Christmas. I may be out of fresh pants and shirts, but the really important garments are still in stock. They fill a whole load by themselves. When I put them in the washer they scream "No, No! We can't breathe underwater, we'll bleed and shrink, this isn't fair! You step on us and sit on us and this is our reward? Fuck you buddy! Prepare to be itchy next time you need something from me!" It's a whole chorus of voices in unison, high and twangy. (They are strings after all)
Back to my shirts and pants. I have one big pile, but its sorted mentally into three groups.
Clean, not worn since the previous wash. These are available for usage. Today the only items left here either don't fit or I hate them.
Dirty. Worn and slathered in sweat, mud, pizza sauce, or whiskey. These cannot be worn under any circumstances until they are washed.
In-between. These have been worn but no exertion or accidents occurred while they were worn. Therefore there is no offending odor or rorshacht blots on them. These are important. These are the clothes that I can wear a second time.
According to my new knowledge, these clothes have a gallon of sweat and quarter of a sandwich baggy full of dead skin in them. Invisible. Did they really need to tell me this? No, I'm not grossed out or disturbed by this. I'm not the kind of person that freaks out because there might be some germs on a door handle. When people cough or sneeze in my face I don't care about the sickness. What bothers me is that I have to wipe mist or mucus off my eyelids, or that the offender has tuna breath. As George Carlin said, my immune system needs germs to practice on so it can be strong.
I am bothered by the sharing of this information for a different reason. It is leading our society down the wrong path. People already use too much hand sanitizer and soap and so forth. I'm not against cleanliness. I shower every morning. I'm against these obsessive compulsions to unnaturally dehumanize everything. I brush my teeth every day, but if I floss daily, my gums will bleed. So there might be some plaque between them sometimes. Big deal. I use deodorizer, because I sweat profusely when exerting myself and I don't want to smell like blue cheese dressing. But I don't understand anti-persperant. That's taking the notion too far. Some things were just meant to be.
I expect that soon they'll show us graphic displays of the poo slime that gets caught in our sphincter wrinkles. They'll have a very special, very expensive flossing machine for people to attach to their exits that will spread and wipe each little crevice.
Those dead skin cells? I'm sure they'll be able to add some chemical to your showerhead that will melt off your top skin layer once a week. You'll look rosy, too! No mention that the flush is because your blood is that much closer to the surface of your epidermis. You know somebody will find a way to use this as a murder weapon. Just picture that.
And sweat? Buy your own body thermostat! It'll keep you cool or warm so your nervous system doesn't get so stressed all the time. You won't need sweat glands, so have them removed. If the stat breaks down, just fork over some more cash for repair or we'll boil you alive with your own blood. Free pacemaker if you buy a maintenance contract.
Nope, I don't like where this personal hygiene trend is going. It almost makes me want to become an unwashed hippie scumfuck. Almost. The truth is, there's nothing horrible enough to make me listen to reggae or wear tye-dye. 10:31 AM - Bottle Rocket Fire Alarm
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