Situation Normal. Atmosphere Breathable. Brainstem Injected. Dialogue Engaged.
stg-roadrunner-gfx
Thursday, February 17, 2005

Fast Food Means Fast Digestion

Good afternoon. I'm back at my office throne after a relaxing morning tour of Harlem Avenue. I started in Elmwood Park and finished in Bridgeview. This is always a pleasant drive and a fine substitution for office work. I had to accomplish a silly task at yet another south side McDonald's that had lapsed hopelessly into disrepair. Naturally I lollygagged to and fro.

Immediately upon my return I have been assaulted by various office staff. One is trying to slice my ankle tendons with boxcutters. He claims I didn't lash down the satellite dish and Mexican garbage pickers used lassos to remove it from it's perch on the roof. Apparently they were spotted at sunrise bouncing away in a rusty pickup truck, cackling and singing accordion music. I can easily picture the sight of them thrusting their new trophy in the air, triumphant and crazed with joy. It will do them no good without a subscription, so maybe they can put candles on it and convert it into a Catholic altar. Maybe it could be a cooking basin of some sort.

Another shithead is shooting at me with a high powered staple gun. He seems to think I'm responsible for the dead squirrel in his trash. He said it was drowned in gasoline and the fumes are making his voice scratchy. I know who did that, but it wasn't me and I'm no rat, so I can't point the finger at the guy with the box cutters. If I'd been the culprit, I would've thrown the squirrel outside into the flowerpot for cigarette butts in the hope of an accidental ignition.

Finally my boss is blaming me for an angry customer. Apparently I told this indignant store manager that the last time I ate their food I was forced to take a murky, painful crap in a graveyard. During my emergency business a skeletal hand reached up through the soil and goosed me. Now whenever I shit while camping I think the cool breeze caressing my anus is proof positive of a supernatural presence. I told this customer to leave me alone and go call Ghostbusters.

All blatant lies.
1:33 PM - Bottle Rocket Fire Alarm

10 Comments:

February 17, 2005 6:50 PM, Blogger Bookfraud said...

you have a waaaaaaack bunch of people surrounding you.

keep it up. i hate it when i go out to the great outdoors to toss a loaf and a dead person grabs me.

 
February 17, 2005 7:48 PM, Blogger Dave Morris said...

Toss a loaf! haha!

I saw a good one today. "Taking the Browns to the Super Bowl."

That may be my favorite euphemism for dumping.

 
February 17, 2005 8:23 PM, Blogger Latigo Flint said...

Perhaps, but highly entertaining lies nonetheless.

 
February 18, 2005 5:32 AM, Blogger sCruuw said...

If I was a Shiite, I would think I was the shit! I don't know what drugs I am lacking today...ignore that.......

 
February 18, 2005 1:50 PM, Blogger sic said...

You're weird.

 
February 18, 2005 2:13 PM, Blogger Saucy Monk said...

have you ever thought about writing a screenplay?

keep tossin' pal

 
February 18, 2005 2:16 PM, Blogger Bottle Rocket Fire Alarm said...

Monk, no I haven't. My attention span barely stretches the length of a blog post.

 
February 18, 2005 3:25 PM, Blogger ty bluesmith said...

dude. you're like, a star. i swear, i've been fucking around with searching for blogs for about twenty minutes and you consistently turn/up everywhere.

 
February 18, 2005 3:53 PM, Blogger Bottle Rocket Fire Alarm said...

John, do you mean in the comments or on the links?

I have something like 50 blogs bookmarked now. I'm getting fired for this eventually. If I get caught.

 
February 18, 2005 6:03 PM, Blogger ty bluesmith said...

on the links, in "currently addicted to" and "blogs i read every day." etc.

praise well deserved, i believe, btw.
yours and a couple of others are definitely anticipated every day.

but you gotta know. that's what statcounter's are for. you're addicted to your stats, right? please, tell me it's not just me.

come to think of it, i also see you a lot in comments sections, too. comments sections rule, actually. they may be better than blogging. one has to work less.

 

Post a Comment

left-arrow Home

stg-shark
Newports and Milkbones
Mudflap Welcome Mat
From The Museum
From Me To You With Gut-Wrenching Terror
Hot Shot Jet Set Weekend
Past My Bedtime
Polished And Waxed
Troubleshooting The Messenger
Try This At Home
To Spite My Face
August 2002
September 2002
October 2002
November 2002
December 2002
January 2003
February 2003
March 2003
April 2003
May 2003
September 2003
October 2003
November 2003
December 2003
January 2004
February 2004
August 2004
December 2004
January 2005
February 2005
March 2005
April 2005
May 2005
June 2005
July 2005
August 2005
September 2005
October 2005
November 2005
December 2005
January 2006
February 2006
March 2006
April 2006
May 2006
June 2006
July 2006
August 2006
September 2006
October 2006
November 2006
December 2006
January 2007
February 2007
April 2007
May 2007
June 2007
July 2007
August 2007
September 2007
February 2008
May 2008
August 2008
March 2009
April 2009
May 2009
December 2009
February 2010
March 2010
April 2010
May 2010
August 2010
August 2011
September 2011
February 2012
June 2012
July 2012
August 2012
October 2012
November 2012
May 2013
August 2013
September 2013
December 2013
May 2014
October 2014
November 2014
December 2016