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Tuesday, August 14, 2007

Incompetence & Flagellation

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I got fired.

I'm an honest kid, mostly. So here it is: I was doing a bad job. They weren't asking much from me, simply that I order some crap and package it up for technicians. The ugly truth is that I'm lazier than elderly bowels, and frequently waited for the last minute to pull the shit together. This resulted in wasted money in various ways too boring to elaborate upon. Let's just say I deserved it and move on.

I reacted just as any worthless, self-indulgent, addictive fuckpuddle would: I went on a bender. I slugged beer like a divorced man, stuffed my nose with powder like it was a musket rifle, and burned enough weed to give the entire DEA a Twinkie addiction.

After two weeks of this, I remembered food. I resuscitated myself with four trays of napolean flan, two loaves of dark rye, one pound of muenster, and three pounds of pastrami. Over two days. On the third, I shat a freight train. On the fourth, I rested. In diapers.

Then I started another bender that hasn't truly ended yet, although by now it's flitting away like a sluggish butterfly. (bad analogy, but I'm keeping it, fuck you)

I have prospects for gainful employment looming, but I intend to procrastinate. I'm receiving unemployment benefits. (I convinced my former employer not to contest my claim, and they still love me on a personal level, so that was an easy finagle.)

I kept a tight grip on my night job as a waiter at the buffalo joint, though I usually arrived appearing raped and pillaged. One Saturday morning I showed up, my hair askew, raccoon luggage beneath my eyes, stinking of Anchor Steam.

The GM was holding a pre-shift meeting when I staggered in, bewildered, disheveled, and damn ugly.

"Steve, you okay?"

"Mm? Oh yeah, o'course I am. Bright eyed and bushy-tailed."

"You look like hell. Sleep much?"

(keep in mind I have an assembled audience of the entire working staff)

"Well, no. See, last night I was feeling kind of lonely, so I figured, you know, I'd find some company, shoot the shit, pour my heart out and get a few things off my chest. Catharsis was my order of the night. But nobody answered my calls."

"Okay..."

"Well, nobody answered, so I went to Best Buy to look for a movie, or a game, or some such distracting nonsense. I was browsing when I saw something called The Baby Simulator. It's an awful product prospective parents put on their PCs to prepare them for parenthood."

"I'm not getting you, Steve. Is this going somewhere?"

"You install it and let it run all night, right? And see, this thing will randomly start crying and wake your silly ass up. There's buttons like burp, feed milk, feed Gerber's, rock baby, sing lullaby, and a couple more I can't think of right now. You pick one and click it repeatedly for ten minutes and hope like hell you picked the right button. If you're lucky, you get to go back to sleep for another half hour. What it needed was an 'I don't fucking know' button."

(people are sniggering and giving each other raised eyebrows)

I continued: "It's supposed to be just like have having an infant in a crib. It was a vile and horrible experience. I don't recommend children for anyone. Fuck propagation of the species, quite frankly. If my baby wasn't fake I would've strangled the little virtual fucker."

(Now they're all outright laughing at me. Even the GM. I'm his longstanding unique comedy snowflake, or he'd have cut me off by this time.)

"So yeah, I'm exhausted and exasperated and downright miserable. I need a new hobby. So far, I've got two ideas on my list. The first is drinking heavily. That works. Trust me, I know. The other is microwaving things that aren't supposed to microwaved, and I'm starting with my goddamn computer hard drive. Then I'm going to drink until I render myself imbecilic. How are you?"

"Are you fucking with me, Steve?"

"Yeah. That was all complete bullshit. I was drinking heavily last night. Got a mint?"
5:15 PM - Bottle Rocket Fire Alarm

13 Comments:

August 14, 2007 9:23 PM, Blogger Bottle Rocket Fire Alarm said...

I am at home listening to Bruce Hornsby and Vanessa Carlton. Try me, assh0les.

 
August 14, 2007 10:30 PM, Blogger Stinkbait Boucher said...

OK - here's a hobby suggestion - submit this stuff to a publisher.

I love the product of your suffering. That's probably callous and mean on my part but it's my sluggish butterfly and I choose to keep it as well.

You're living one hell of a novel my sleepy friend.

Great to see you back here - even if it is at your expense.

 
August 14, 2007 11:20 PM, Blogger Bottle Rocket Fire Alarm said...

Maybe I'm a defeatist, but that failed during the six months I tried it.

I'll have to invent my own niche somehow to make any cash from this brutal masochism/misanthropy.

 
August 15, 2007 3:20 AM, Blogger christina said...

i love vanessa carlton. well, at least that one song. but i may be thinking of kelly clarkson.

life is hard.

i'm glad you're writing again.

 
August 18, 2007 6:16 PM, Blogger christina said...

since i didn't remember commenting on your site, i can only assume i was drunk when i confessed what i confessed in my previous comment. despite the fact that it is true.

 
August 21, 2007 12:11 AM, Blogger Aaron X said...

Dude you're a fucking psychotropic nut-ball. The virtual baby bender story is so good I'm appropriating it as my own, I know you won't mind. By the way, I need some killer ganja, serious hydroponic globulation if you please, preferably Amsterdam bubble gum. Can you help a brother out?

 
August 22, 2007 3:33 PM, Blogger Bobby said...

If you jam a fork in the microwave oven door latch, it will spray the world with microwaves including you. I would point it out the window before you hit 'Go'

Every time I quit or get fired, I watch either Fight Club or Full Metal Jacket.

 
August 22, 2007 9:16 PM, Blogger King Sausage said...

One word for you: Ho'oponopono

 
August 23, 2007 1:34 AM, Blogger Bottle Rocket Fire Alarm said...

Bobby, that's fantastic. Will try. (that's a promise)

Tom, I'm not sure I can do that. I would hate being happy, healed, and one with everything. I'd probably start self-cutting.

 
August 23, 2007 2:46 AM, Blogger natalie blair said...

brilliant. i envy your sly, on-your-toes wit and want you to teach me to be more clever. (i'm back, by the way, and more bitter than ever)

 
August 25, 2007 11:43 PM, Blogger Bottle Rocket Fire Alarm said...

Thanks Nat.

BTW, Aaron X, I love you.

 
August 26, 2007 8:33 PM, Blogger staticwarp said...

who the fuck is vanessa carlton?

 
September 10, 2007 1:54 AM, Blogger Rebekka said...

Hilarious. Completely hilarious.

 

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