Situation Normal. Atmosphere Breathable. Brainstem Injected. Dialogue Engaged.
Wednesday, January 03, 2007

More Altrusim


“Karaoke’s over. Finished. Kaput. It’s ten to four. Get the fuck out.”

The surly bouncer grabbed the half full beer from my clammy grasp and pointed at the door. The man obviously derived glee from hostility. He was short, fat, and wore a t-shirt with a motorcycle on the front. Or, in one word: douchebag.

With mere hours before dawn, it was time for my group to filter out to vehicles, time for us to fumble with keys, to gnaw upon handfuls of mints, and to close one eye and weave homeward.

I hadn’t arrived until three, and since I was nearly sober and perfectly capable of navigation, I decided to deliver one extremely wasted soul to his front door. No driving for him. No way, no how, not gonna happen, pass the potatoes, please and thank you.

He didn’t know where to find his home. He just moved there. We got lost in the woods of South Barrington, the dark twists of Penny Road smashing my mental compass.

“You need me to pull over? You gonna splash out?”

“Nuh-nnooooo…. I neeeeevvver puke. I haven’t puked in six years. Oh man I’m so drunk. Thanks for taking me… taking me...ulg.

He rolled down the window. Icy sharp air flooded the car, slapping me in the face.

He broke his six year puke-free streak with a barrage of tepid beer and chicken wings, which streaked the side of the silver G6 I was driving.

“Iz… iss all outside your car. I dint get any in.”

He kept rolling the window up and down, effectively squeezing his regurgitation down where the window slots into the door. I saw chicken shred and potato chunks inside the car. His accuracy and reportage were not be trusted.

After we finally found his abode I inspected the car. Puke painted the exterior all the way to the back bumper. Bile trickles dripped from the ceiling onto the passenger seat.

Fuck it, that’s what rentals are for, right?

12:57 PM - Bottle Rocket Fire Alarm


January 04, 2007 4:55 PM, Blogger karen gsteiger said...

At least you weren't the pukee this time. I karaoked on New Year's Eve too! My best friend and I did the WORLD'S WORST rendition of Whitney Houston's "One Moment in Time."


Post a Comment

left-arrow Home

Aprons For Slaves
Snow Burn
Fast Alone
Happy Holocaust
Side Order #3
Side Order #2
Side Order #1
The Perfect Kiss
Drowning Dignity Like An Unwanted Kitten
August 2002
September 2002
October 2002
November 2002
December 2002
January 2003
February 2003
March 2003
April 2003
May 2003
September 2003
October 2003
November 2003
December 2003
January 2004
February 2004
August 2004
December 2004
January 2005
February 2005
March 2005
April 2005
May 2005
June 2005
July 2005
August 2005
September 2005
October 2005
November 2005
December 2005
January 2006
February 2006
March 2006
April 2006
May 2006
June 2006
July 2006
August 2006
September 2006
October 2006
November 2006
December 2006
January 2007
February 2007
April 2007
May 2007
June 2007
July 2007
August 2007
September 2007
February 2008
May 2008
August 2008
March 2009
April 2009
May 2009
December 2009
February 2010
March 2010
April 2010
May 2010
August 2010
August 2011
September 2011
February 2012
June 2012
July 2012
August 2012
October 2012
November 2012
May 2013
August 2013
September 2013
December 2013
May 2014
October 2014
November 2014
December 2016