Situation Normal. Atmosphere Breathable. Brainstem Injected. Dialogue Engaged.
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Friday, October 27, 2006

Side Order #1


I strolled into my new night job at the bar & grill. It was day three after the grand opening. The youngsters at the host station were smiling and energetic.

“Hey Steve! What’s up?”

“I’m drunk!”

They laughed. That crazy Steve, telling another wacky joke. He’s not serious.

After all, who would show up at a brand new job so drunk his breath could strip paint? Nobody. Well, except for me. I’d been coerced into waxing a bottle of Bacardi 151 at my day job, not to mention the six bottles of Oktoberfest I’d used as chasers.

When I left the alcoholics at my first job behind, I chewed some cinnamon gum, squeezed one eye shut, and drove a mile west to the night gig.

I repeated the same answer when the general manager clamped his meaty hand on my shoulder and asked my mood.

“Drunk as a skunk, sir! Ready to sling fried snacks and radiate sunshine!”

He grinned back at me.

“You all see this guy? We need more like him!"

"Anything to keep America happy and full of greasy food, sir."

"You’re a smartass, but I like that. We need energetic people like you. Gimme a high five!”

I even scored a raise that day for superior customer service and for mentoring my less adept coworkers in the nuances of touchscreen register usage.

If I start doing coke again, I could be a manager.

I'm gonna do some short takes for a while. I don't have the time or energy for anthing more involved these days, so I'm taking the lazy route and dropping my material unpolished in small, half thought out pieces like the above.

5:04 PM - Bottle Rocket Fire Alarm

7 Comments:

October 31, 2006 9:37 AM, Anonymous andy said...

I, having the attention span of Lindsay Lohan, appreciate the concise entries. Well played. I would also like you to know that based on your success I will be trying the same pre-work strategy with my teaching job. The High Schoolers should love that one.

 
October 31, 2006 8:11 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

make a biographical screenplay about your life. And, go fuck yourself.

 
November 01, 2006 10:08 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm on my way over, with booze, STAT.

 
November 01, 2006 5:00 PM, Anonymous Anita said...

See? I told you working with 151 vision would be fun! But I never imagined it would make you more money. And not that you didn't already know, but you're manager is a fuckin idiot! How perfect!
Love the shorts too, no problem. Just happy to read.....

 
November 01, 2006 7:05 PM, Blogger Bobby said...

Small, half thought out pieces are my bread and butter. Sometimes it's all I can do to send a text message posting to my blog.

The trick to driving drunk and working drunk is getting plenty of practice.

Bobby

 
November 02, 2006 3:13 PM, Blogger natalie said...

brilliantly done... and congrats on getting them to pay you more for working under the influence.

it's kind of the opposite where i work. as an 'architect', you are pretty much required to be an absolutely obscene alcoholic... as is evidenced by the fact that my bosses show up more hungover than me, every day. maybe it's some sort of twisted competition/midlife crisis thing, but it's sure fun as hell to watch.

 
November 03, 2006 8:49 AM, Blogger Mishka said...

Love the shorts...hilarious. Will assume it is fiction or I will have to get on your ass about drinking and driving...the drinking and working part is encouraged, however.

 

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