"You know anything about insurance claims?"

"Planning a murder?"

"What kind of guy do you think I am?"

"Oh, just fraud then?"

"That's real nice, John."

"Shit man. Murder, fraud, both together... what else is insurance used for?"

"Oh, I dunno... Medicine? Flood damage? Car accidents?"

"Aha! I heard that tone in your voice. A car accident, huh? So I was right about fraud. I'd try just about anything in your position, too. That car deserves to be wrecked. With extreme prejudice. What's your idea?"

"Extreme prejudice? Who are you, Charles Bronson? Wait, don't answer that. Yes, I wanna kill my car. I also want an obese settlement check so I can buy something better."

"I know you, Steve. You want another old fogey car. A four door midsize sedan. You should dye your hair grey and buy a cane. Hobble a bit. Buy discount coffees at McDonald's. Be incontinent. Bitch about Fixident. You dork. And I think of myself as more of a Chuck Norris type, not Bronson."

"Obviously fire is out of the question. They have chemical technicians and vehicle coroners these days. I think they have a show on cable called Auto Autopsy. So no fire. I guess I need to engineer a good accident that'll demolish the Dodge but leave me unscathed. You've rolled a car over before. What's the trick?"

"No! Don't try that. I got lucky. Your wheelbase is too low for that anyways. You need a decent pile-up, or maybe a sliding careen down an embankment. Let me think about this."

"A sliding careen?"

"Yeah, you know, careening?"

"Sure. Careening. An uncontrolled lateral motion."

"That sounds right."

"What about the old thievery bit?"

"First of all, what if they find the car? I know what you're thinking. Drive it to the ghetto, park it, leave it, expect it'll get stolen or destroyed, then report it. The insurance company suspects you of wrongdoing but can't prove it. Sounds like a good theory, right? Wrong. First of all, you need a plausible reason your car was parked there. Because if you imply it was stolen from your driveway, they'll never buy your story. Even if you do park it in a bad neighborhood, who's gonna want that old trap? You've kicked dents into the side ten times. It looks like it was used as a soccer goal. It still has pumpkin coffee stuck to parts of it, hail pockmarks all over the front hood, and your hubcaps look like intelligent grizzly bears used them as bedpans. You couldn't give that car away if you tried."

"So I need an accident."

"Yep. How about... let me think... Ice. It's winter. Your tires are balder than a leukemia patient. You need to make a sharp turn and skid out. Bam!"

"That would only cause body damage, John. I need to mangle my engine. Fracture my undercarriage. Think violent rending. The old bitch has to be completely useless. Think bigger."

"Okay, I got it. A local street. You're in front of the queue at the intersection. All you gotta do is stick your front end in front of a large oncoming vehicle going fast. It'll be your fault, of course, and your insurance will go up, but the worst that could happen is a broken leg or two. And you're clean. Stupid, but clean."

"Fuck that. I have a great idea."

"What?"

"I'm gonna go to a bar and wait for somebody really drunk to leave. Then I'll follow him, plow into him, and find a way to blame him. I could even sue for damages! Pain and suffering! That'll teach him a lesson!"

"That's so wrong."

"It's a public service, that's what it is. I'm like the neighborhood watch, but with teeth. Giant steel thousand pound vehicular teeth."

"I'm kinda tempted to try that myself now. I've never had the chance to wear a neck brace before. Or cry silently, my eyes pleading to a sympathetic jury. I could wallow in that kind of attention. I always wanted to be an actor, you know."

"That's the spirit, John." 12:39 PM - Bottle Rocket Fire Alarm