Situation Normal. Atmosphere Breathable. Brainstem Injected. Dialogue Engaged.
Tuesday, November 22, 2005

Crack Funky

"Yo! Yo, dawg! Hold up!"

I slammed my car door and rolled down the window. I'd just left the liquor barn on Irving Park Road and I was gearing up for a big night. It was time to wage a war against depression. My car was about to explode, my finances were fucked, and I'd just bought a massive jug of $8 wine and a bottle of fizzy Mandarin Jarritos to wash down the ephedrine pills that were gathering dust in the armrest.

"What's up?"

"What's that shit you poppin?"

"Trucker speed."

"So that's the shit keep yo blood warm and you like 'yee-yee-yee!'" To accompany his sound effects, he pantomimed a hyperactive beaver gnawing on a log.

"You got it. It's a cheap alternative to real drugs. Perfect for an ugly Tuesday like today."

"Real drugs? Man, I'll git you some real mahfuckin drugs, dawg."


"Whatchoo do?"

"Coke, usually."

"You ever smoke them rocks?"

"Not often. I hadn't for... let's see here, three years until last Saturday. I got a bit carried away over the weekend, I guess."

"I got both, my nigga. You got a pen?"

"Yeah, just a sec."

"Naw, forget it, here." He pulled a tiny blue slip of paper from a compartment in his wallet and handed it to me. Scrawled upon it was DAVE 847-(Internet Edit).

"Cool man. You around here or what? I got a dealer by Woodfield and a few in Chicago."

"Right here, dawg, I stay at Marrs Court, right over there." He pointed.

"I'll hit you up."

"What's all that in the backseat- Punisher?"

He was referring to the piles of classified ads, comic books, literary journals, empty antifreeze jugs, wire spools, and a pillow of a rollerskate I made in 7th grade home ec. My car was a mess. Still is.

"Can I see that?"

I handed him a Punisher comic, one I got signed by the writer, Garth Ennis, at the Comic Book Legal Defense Fund table a few years back at the Chicago Wizard World show.

"Aw, this ain't the movie. Damn. Got any movies?"

All I had was a copy of Silver City. I gave it to him. "Here, check this out. It's no high powered action thriller like The Punisher, but it's an okay flick. It makes fun of President Bush, so I got a kick out of it. Enjoy."

"I can have this?"

"Yeah. I buy $5 movies on sale all the time. No big deal. Take it."

"Aw cool, thanks! Hit me up dawg!"

"You know I will."

I probably won't. I buy my cocaine from real Mexican drug lords. If I ever need some crack? Maybe.
9:19 PM - Bottle Rocket Fire Alarm


November 23, 2005 12:26 PM, Blogger Kerouaced said...

Leave Dawg alone. You would be better off with a six pack of 16 oz Pabst Blue Ribbon. The crack of beer...

November 23, 2005 12:42 PM, Blogger ty bluesmith said...

i say i'll never do coke again until i have about twenty drinks in me.

then, cell phones magically appear in my hands.


November 23, 2005 1:34 PM, Blogger Stace said...

YOU are to much!!

November 24, 2005 1:24 AM, Blogger You Can't Afford Me said...

Happy Thanksgiving!

November 26, 2005 12:46 AM, Blogger clothosfate said...

"I buy my cocaine from real Mexican drug lords."

hahaha.... love it. Your car, whether its imaginary or real, sounds like mine, a little worse then mine i am happy to add... but not much.

My car is the last frontier...

November 26, 2005 12:58 PM, Blogger Floyd said...

I only respect men who have their own crack dealers. Happy that you've made the big time and can now truly earn my undying affection (and slight nausea - but that's to be expected).

November 26, 2005 3:37 PM, Blogger Bobby said...

the time may come where you'll need for him to remember your kindness . . . not to sound all fortune cookie on you and shit

November 28, 2005 10:22 AM, Blogger karen gsteiger said...

Hey, just catching up on your has sucked over here. Life appears to remain...interesting for you!

November 29, 2005 10:40 AM, Blogger FFFrapgirl said...

They all rip apart pens! What up with dat destroying a perfectly good pen!

November 30, 2005 6:55 AM, Blogger 1 said...

Good times, eh?

So, you've got the the cheap 'ho?

November 30, 2005 8:18 AM, Anonymous Red said...

where'd ya go, Steve? I miss your stories.

November 30, 2005 12:59 PM, Blogger Bottle Rocket Fire Alarm said...

I'll be back soon! I'm bronchially sick, busy with work, and ready to collapse.

But I'll have something soon, I promise.

November 30, 2005 8:42 PM, Anonymous Giles, A #1 said...

Stevie - skip the hippie crack, and all other crack for that matter and stick to the Cadbury Eggs, or Caramello's damnit. Remember the garage days. No hard stuff, just chocolate.
Anyway, I've really enjoyed "catching up with you" this week, even though we didn't actually talk. You're hilarious, and you conveyed Dad perfectly as he reached for a refill. Ha ha. Love you, feel better.


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