Situation Normal. Atmosphere Breathable. Brainstem Injected. Dialogue Engaged.
Saturday, December 03, 2005

Drunk Kickboxer

Alternate Title: Mutiny On The Gravy

"Gimme that."


"C'mon man, give it over."

"No. I'm... I'm drunk. I need this keyboard. I'm gonna type now."

"Okay. Dumb idea, though. You can barely talk drunk. Typin ain't gonna improve your eloquence. You're a bottle deep. Ten High ain't Kool-Aid."


"Yeah, you heard me. Don't play dumb."

"Oh shut up."

"Your funeral, Steve. Have at it."


I'm a clean person. Shower daily, fond of bathing, Mom works for a dentist, etc. I wouldn't label myself groomed, although I shave with frequency. My clothes are shoddy. I'm fashion impaired. But I'm clean.

Ever live in a place with no dishwasher? No big deal, I know. I have. However, when the kitchen sink plastic pipes plug up with so much sludgy fuck the pipes explode and the kitchen is out of commision, a person is left in a whole nother realm of culinary decency. Or lack thereof. Allow me to expound.

I know I whined about children a week or two ago. Shame on me. That's not a good reason to bitch. I should have a seriously capital point of hell to raise on a flagpole and flap in the breeze before I raise my voice. Got one this time. Promise.

No kitchen sink and no DW (that's short for dishwasher) means I'm scrubbing out pots and pans in other receptacles. Either in the bathroom sink, the toilet, or the tub. What would you pick?

I try to be practical. Big un, goes in the tub. Little un, goes in the sink. Rotting uneaten muck gets scooped out by a Minnie Mouse spoon into the toilet, where I flush it little by little, not quite thrilled to be feeding sewer rats with the finest quality gourmet turkey stew.

One day, a couple days ago, specifically, I made a critical mistake. It was the big yellow pan. I washed it out, giblets and all, down the bathtub drain. It didn't go: I repeat: it didn't go. It stayed. Turkey chunk and carrot pulp and celery flesh and more. A puddle of vitamin rich swamp congealed over the drainhole.

The next morning, dumb and blind, I cranked the shower up to full heat and stepped into the searing steamy pelting hot water assault. It was glorious. That glory was short-lived.

I realized my feet were stepping in imaginary giant nostrils. I was showering with hot rain above, turkey soup below. Restless marrow tickled those gentle little nerves between my toes. Clots of fat burbled beneath my toenails. My feet were socially mingling with carrots. Finally, truly, a new all time low. I was ashamed to be a bipedal.

At least I didn't lather in gravy. Like a sick pervert. I have some dignity. Just a little.

Welcome to my life. Glad you're here.
2:46 AM - Bottle Rocket Fire Alarm


December 03, 2005 4:41 AM, Blogger if_i_had_a_hammer said...

I wish I could say the same. When I lived alone, I fell hard into the bell jar. I moved my mattress, just the mattress, out of my bedroom and into the living room, all of my dishes and pots were dirty in the sink and the only thing in my refridgerator or freezer was Jagermeister. I kinda miss those days, but I'm also glad they're over.

December 03, 2005 12:08 PM, Blogger EcamirG said...


though, on the bright side, "typin' ain't gonna improve your eloquence" is a fine, fine line in and of itself.

perhaps not fine enough to make up for turkey stew showers, but you could always just consider that a "turkish bath" and call it a day. i won't tell anyone.

pinky swear.

December 03, 2005 10:48 PM, Blogger Nobody special said...

I never know when your BSing or not, but if this is true and happened on top of you being sick ..POOR BABY! :(

Hope things start to look up soon.

December 04, 2005 11:46 AM, Blogger The Winged Pig said...

Well... The food remains could have attracted roaches which would have swarmed over your feet as your were attempting to shower. Roaches are attracted to water and food particles... I am thinking you got off light. Yeah - think that.

December 04, 2005 8:06 PM, Blogger Latigo Flint said...

If you had a baby you could have left it in the tub overnight to lick clean the floor and walls.

(or am I thinking of fish-tank snails?)

December 05, 2005 7:19 AM, Anonymous red said...

would that fall into the "taking a taxi around the block" catagory??

December 05, 2005 9:14 AM, Blogger Chicken said...

I can't wait to hear about Christmas leftovers.

December 05, 2005 12:16 PM, Blogger Kerouaced said...

It's all good. I think I read turkey broth gets rid of athletes foot and other toe fungus...

December 05, 2005 3:52 PM, Blogger ty bluesmith said...


December 06, 2005 3:00 PM, Anonymous sarcastrix said...

On the bright side, your pain is our gain. Good story.


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