Situation Normal. Atmosphere Breathable. Brainstem Injected. Dialogue Engaged.
stg-roadrunner-gfx
Friday, December 02, 2005

Half Hearted

"Where have you been, Steve? No phone calls, surprise visits, calls from jail, or even a post on your website. I was beginning to think you joined the army."

"Well, therein lies a tale. I was arrested for buying a middleaged hooker in Cicero. It was really cold out. Her nipples were stretching pleather. I couldn't resist. The cops caught us in the backseat, all coked up and naked. I think the window fog gave us away. I tried to play it off, you know, like we're a couple, but they knew her pretty well. She'd been nailed before. Wait, I mean arrested. Nailed was a bad choice of words. Certainly true, but not what I meant to say. So I was locked up and too ashamed to call someone for bail."

"No way did you pick up a hooker. I don't believe it."

"You're right. I lied. I didn't ."

"Okay, so where were you?"

"Here and there, you know. Thanksgiving with my family. Work. Umm... Car died again. Took all weekend to get that fixed."

"So you have nothing of interest or value to share? C'mon, man, I rely on you for entertainment."

"Okay, picture this. It's Tuesday morning. I'm so sick I'm melting. I have dark brown snot ejecting from my lungs every time I cough. Each wad sticks like a malformed suction cup to the monitor screen, or the wall, or wherever it splashes. Fucking gross. My nose wasn't your typical runny nose. It was crapping out green jelly turds instead of the usual oh so gentle and precious sniffle trickle. I'm talking illness here- glowing with infection.

"I showed up at work anyways. We had a training class for a new system. About an hour into the tedious, painful education about this newfangled register system, one of the other trainees asks me to go buy a bottle. He's from Indiana, and doesn't know the area too well. So I went a bought a bottle of Bushmills. 10:30am. So there we are, ten of us, drinking shots instead of learning. The class leader tried to make us eat the donuts he brought in the try to absorb the whiskey. Sugar just made us more unruly. It was a circus.

"Okay, I know, that's boring. But what if you put an extremely sick semi-buzzed guy in a swivel chair? A chair with support problems? That was me. A steel post shot through a seal at the bottom of the swivel, the swivel shot up the post, and that left me sitting on a spinning top, desperately cluthing at my desk as I toppled about. A chair on a stick. I was talking on the phone setting up an important sales call, too, trying to maintain my composure as I crashed to the floor with all the shit I knocked off my desk raining on me. I did not let go of that phone."

"Sounds like a blast."

"Yeah, it was. I had an audience. They were amused. So was I. I looked up from the floor to see nine faces staring down, wide-eyed and giggly. Hooray for shitty office furniture.

"But overall? Nothing much is happening. Nothing to write home about. I'm still sick. Gonna leave early today, in fact. I just don't have the pep-zesto to be entertaining right now. Sorry. I need more sleep."
12:28 PM - Bottle Rocket Fire Alarm

4 Comments:

December 02, 2005 1:36 PM, Blogger Murph said...

I've never been too ashamed to call for bail. And I've been arrested for throwing up on a churro vendor.

 
December 07, 2005 8:55 PM, Blogger Buoyant said...

testing ....one, too, tree

 
December 08, 2005 8:48 PM, Blogger Stace said...

I hope your feeling better!! I was slightly worried I catch up on your AWESOME, but sometimes graphic, stories when I'm bored I work. I needed you.

 
April 15, 2016 10:19 AM, Blogger Unknown said...

very unusual , the information is very interesting and useful , hopefully more successful your blog  obat penumbuh jambang yang ampuh

 

Post a Comment

left-arrow Home

stg-shark
Crack Funky
Addiction Fiction Part Four
Fetus Juggling 101
Mugger Anna & The Liquid Pumpkin
Addiction Fiction Part Three
Addiction Fiction Part Two
Addiction Fiction Part One
Electronic Kleenex
Black And Silver Swoop Part Three
Black And Silver Swoop Part Two
August 2002
September 2002
October 2002
November 2002
December 2002
January 2003
February 2003
March 2003
April 2003
May 2003
September 2003
October 2003
November 2003
December 2003
January 2004
February 2004
August 2004
December 2004
January 2005
February 2005
March 2005
April 2005
May 2005
June 2005
July 2005
August 2005
September 2005
October 2005
November 2005
December 2005
January 2006
February 2006
March 2006
April 2006
May 2006
June 2006
July 2006
August 2006
September 2006
October 2006
November 2006
December 2006
January 2007
February 2007
April 2007
May 2007
June 2007
July 2007
August 2007
September 2007
February 2008
May 2008
August 2008
March 2009
April 2009
May 2009
December 2009
February 2010
March 2010
April 2010
May 2010
August 2010
August 2011
September 2011
February 2012
June 2012
July 2012
August 2012
October 2012
November 2012
May 2013
August 2013
September 2013
December 2013
May 2014
October 2014
November 2014
December 2016